Its been forever.

hi. friends. curiousity seekers. exboyfriends.

its been a while hasnt it.

i am sitting in my living room watching cake boss.

the italian in me is just lovin it.

Update: prom happened. it was great. i have a weird bromance for my date. he is a sweetheart. we are getting married but he doesnt know that yet.
i am now at 135 lbs and am wanting so badly to loose weight. 125 is the lowest my doctor would let me go for sports. so im hoping that i can go down 120 without being in sports. i shouldnt risk it. 10lbs. 1-2lbs a week. 5-10 weeks. cardio= jogging,biking,dance. weight lifting= shoulders, arms, obliques. cardio=monday,wed,fri. lifting=tues,thurs. this will be good. i have to eat 1,200 cal a day. theres no risking that. i cannot go lower because thats how it starts.
that being said. i am 135lbs and i dont hate myself. i dont nessicarrily like it, but im able to go outside and see people!
i went through my pictures for my grad party and i found all these ones from last summer when i was so sick. i was small. i never knew i was that small. i cried when i saw them. so much pain in my eyes. i knew at that time i hated myself. and i see it now and i cry cause i was so beautiful.
i need sanity in my life. I ate lunch with an ex- pediphile. (spelling???) but you know what i mean...he impregnated his litttle daughter. that kinda thing. Me being sexually abused when i was little, i didnt think i would be able to look this guy in the face. but lunch changed so much. everyone is hurting so bad. everyone. he was... kind in a sad sort of way.
bipolar has got the best of me today. im not able to really put things into words.
my friends have had a fun time setting me up with different guys.
yesturday i was set up with this guy, and he apparently didnt know that we were going on a blind date, he explained to me that he was still in love with his ex girlfriend and that he was glad he could talk to me about it. IT WAS AT THIS MOMENT I REALIZED WE WERE NOT GOING ON A DATE! hahahahahah its funny but i should have known

i think im getting sick of all these blind dates.

just in case you didnt realize, if you are in my life, i will talk about you in my blog, i will not say your name but i will talk about you!

that being said. i went on my first blind date a while ago back in january. It was great. everything was going great and then he sstood me up. 6 times. i was fed up, i told him he was an asshole. and that was the end of it. you shit on me, i leave. the end.
but then the asshole came back. wrote me an email saying that he was sorry and he wants me back and i said okay well im not crawling back to you. you want this to work, you make it work.
that was two weeks ago. nothing. i think he was drunk when he wrote this to me. im just sick of it. i have gotten walked over so much and this is the end of it all.

My name is Jen.
I have a beautiful smile, i am the most honest person you will meet. i am emotional and real. I love my God with all i have, i am so good with children. and hey, i have a good sense of humour. you dont like me, its not my fault. I try. not one guy has been able to tell me why he has broken up with me. I am not being concieted, i am being honest about this.
1. you wouldnt have sex with me
2. you wouldnt drink with me
3. i wasnt having fun anymore/i fell out of love with you

yeah none of these things seem like my problem! hahah. one day i will find some guy that will put up with me and my bipolar and love every minute of it! and i am no longer going to say that this stupid bipolar is what is keeping me from people.

im done venting. sorry if i hurt your feelings. but it was never me, always you.