so much as gone through my head today
let me start with what happened today
friday june 11th 2010
sommers birthday. she is so beautiful.
we left early in the morning to see town. grave sites. meet the rest of the family.
it was all about family today
i was good all day. never crabby.
but it got to a point where it hit me. that i am in norway with my family. and it hit me. my family.
my mom and solvieg sat down with me and discussed the family line. i am so interested with stuff like this! so i am writing and writing and writing. and my mom is telling me stories about each person. that is when i realize how small i am and how big my story is. my grandfather was the most influencial person in my life. next to my own father. i respect them more than anyone. i didnt give myself any time to hate God or be angry at the way life works when he died. i cried once. wrote a song. felt nothing. and today i cried over him.
His family was very messed up. his parents were fine but his brothers and sisters were very messed up. marrying eachother to selfish to favored to everything. and when he married my Nona, he felt love for the first time. when my mother was born, he said it was the happiest day of his life. and he said that this is what family is. johanna and i were the first grandchildren and he loved us so much. it makes me shake to think about it. he would take us from home and we changed his life. honestly. he quit smoking he started carying gum around in his pockets for us and he would bring us real close and give us a piece and say you are the best one i have. or he would say, "call me mr.wonderful and i will give you some gum" it was Extra. the green kind. whenever i have some now it warms my heart. it brings me back.
every picture i have of my childhood he is there. if he isnt, its cause he was taking the picture. i was his life. and when he got sick i was still his life. he would always say, i love you...anyways. hence the blog web title.
today i saw that family has changed me. i was so stupid and i was so young and i so hated them all. and now i wish i could take those years back.
i want to make my dad proud of me.
because i made his life scary.
in the movie, "the divine secrets of the yaya sisterhood" i feel like the mother. i get flashbacks of who i was. watching my father cry because his daughter was dying. and she wanted to die.
holding me so tight when i would get the attacks and shake. run me to the hospital and hold my hair back. listened to me scream. he wanted me so bad. he wanted jenessa. and i was simply ED. and i connected with that. it was my identity. to have that taken from me meant that i was nothing. i had nothing to offer. i had no where to hang my head at night. at the end of the day i said at least i have you ED. at least i am not alone.
i had these flashbacks all day today. my gandpa dying, my father crying. i dont know who that girl was. i stand in the mirror now and i know who i am. but i dont know who that girl was. its a total disconnect. i feel that i want to take it all back and be the normal child that has crushes on boys and playes kitchen with her friends and learns math and reading early and who cant really play basketball so she makes dinner for her family. always cheerful. always laughing.
but what is normal?
and why do i want that?
for my family.
i know that if they saw this they would make me take that back becuase they want me for who i am. but i made life hard.
110lbs? for 6 years? hospital stays really?
break
i just said goodbye to solvieg. i am a mess.puddle. ohh wow i havnt cried like this in a long time. i havnt felt this in a long time. heights of love. i realize that family is the most important. and all this talk about guys and whatever dating... i need to be picky. my husband will have to be so good. haha he has alot of expectations i guess! but to him they wont be expectations, they will be who he is.
i was my grandpas life, as long as he lived. and i am my dads life as long as he will live. and i feel that they dedicated their life to me before i was even born because of the choices they made. i will do the same. and my husband will do the same.
they figured out who they were. they were rock in who they were. the wind did not bring them down. the waves did not wash them up. and they will no longer do that to me.
this is where i belong.
Paul says that everything is permissable but not everything is beneficial. i live like this. you do whatever the hell you want, but realize life will not be a cake walk. do whatever. God will still love you. you have permission to fuck up your life. God will still be there. and because he will still be there, you wont stay f-ed. i feel the best thing in life is to mess up a little and love a lot. we mess up to stay current. we love. we mess up to stay humble. we love. we mess up to be real. we love. we mess up to feel what its like to be the last one.
the only thing that matters is realtionship.
the only reason we have rules is because we made a government. im not entirely sure that if adam and eve stayed perfect, they would have had kids. because they had everything. but when God "cut them off" they needed a saviour which only came from...kids. so family and having kids and whatever is for what we needed when God wasnt "directly" walking with us. and i feel that after the cross.... everyone was saved. so there was no point in the world continuing. like God wants us to go through the dirt of life so we can see how big his love is. and he lets life go on for so long so that we can get to that point. and i feel that he loves our creations. and i dont know what heaven will be like and i feel that we wont be robots...but in life... we have the choice. in heaven we cant leave. we wont want to leave. but...we cant either way. and so the love we have for God on earth is for what we have and what we dont have and for everything we dont know. because nothing bad will happen in heaven. we wont have a chance to hate God. but here... life happens and it hits real hard. and we have the choice. and when we say, through the deepest pain, God is enough. thats real love.
because we love God for who he wasnt in our life at that time. (idk if that makes sense) but we love God because of who he has been. and who we know him to be. and who he says he is. even if he takes it all away. because he loves us like that. he gets angry at us too i think. but he would never leave. i feel there is so much of God in us. (not that we are gods) (im not mormon) (thanks Jesus) but i feel that he really did make us in his image.
life gets so screwy.
ohh and random things of today:
christina asked me to move to Norway next summer. Im considering it. if not next summer... it will be a year from then. i need this family.
im thinking about quitting my job. red robin. it is not apart of my life goals. (like not making those move forward) and i get paid so much for PCA... and i want time. i think i make my life so busy.
i want to learn way too much in University. Art, Dance, Music, sign language <-- all in theraputic setting and Norwegian=]
going to start thinking about the important things... dont worry... having fun is most important! =]
i think those cliche phrases should be changed. live, laugh, love... its should be die, rise, cry
EXPLINATION..... die to yourself, rise up in who you are, cry from laughing!
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