Alprazolam.

11:00 Fruity Pebbles w/ soy .....200 calories
14:30 Lucky Charms w/ soy......200 calories
19:00 Small Salad at Good Earth....250 calories
20:30-22:00 Gym
22:30 Frozen peas....150 calories
Muscle Milk....100 calories


900 calories + 1 1/2 hours at the gym= panic attack.


this is just the beginning. this is what happens when i lose control.
this is the crash. but this time was different because no one was there.

here is what it is:
(and im beginning to not care who read this so im sorry, but this blog is for me to vent on)
i dont think i am ready to date. i think i am mature enough. but i think that i might not be able to handle it. I could barely handle today. obviously. im a nervous wreck. these things get at me so hard. they just eat me up. i cant eat.
All day i thought you were not going to show up.
trust ey?
sick.
and beyond that. i see college as this cest pool of stds and horny men. my trust in men has been so shattered that i dont think i could trust someone again. it makes me sick. like physically sick. and it makes me angry. when my body is in stress mode, it acts against me. i shake. im cold. im nauseous. i get sores in my mouth. i break out all over my body. and i shut myself down. i either lose or gain weight.
so heres the options.
1. Shut everything out, get college over with
2. Risk everything i hold onto tight, get crushed, shut myself off
3. risk it, and it works out.
but i dont date for the fun of it. i date for purpose. and in dating you either break up or you get married.

so heres to putting it off for another couple months!
kewl beans!