ive never had to do this before, and now i have to think only of myself.
what do i want to do?
with no commitments and no excuses or roadblocks holding me back...what do i want?
ive been sitting on this for about half of today.
if money had nothing to do with it. which i know i have to let go of. i want to be an artist. and i want to teach people how art can heal them. this is an art therapist. duh.
i want to keep dancing and doing music, but thats not what i want my career to be.
as far as career, my dream is to sell my artwork as something that reminds people of how far they came, kind of like "spoon fed art", i want to do art and have a studio, where i will have therapy sessions.
(school wise this means, business, psych, and art)
as far as 'hobbies' i want to dance and sing.
dance goals are to be in some sort of club or recreational thing. swing dance thursdays, salsa mondays, reggae wednesdays, whatever. i have this love for modern and ballet and that would honestly be amazing. so as far as opportunities in that, i dont care that im not a prema. im jenessa.
Music goals are to finish this CD and get it out there. Write in my spare time and experience life so i can write about it. I need to experience culture and i need to practice my damn piano and guitar!
living goals: i want to be able to support myself. i want to be content with what i have as far as possessions so that i dont have to have these 'money fights' with my husband. that is the biggest cause ey.
as of right now i have no idea where i will be doing this. what country. what university. but i do know that i want to study abroad in norway.
what i also know, is something is pulling me to Oz and so i need to go there and make a decision. i know that yesterday i was very hasty, but after taking my meds and being honest with myself... i cant think about living there for a year if i cant even do it for a week. so the plan is. i will be making a trip there this august the 16th to august the 25th. so one week (it takes 2 days to get over there). i will visit the campus. i will live with jill/noel/kurt. and i will see if this is something that will be a reality. if i hate it, its not happening at all. if i love it, then i have another option to consider.
but as for now? i dont know what the right answer is. and its not going to hurt me to try. all i will be losing is 3 days of work. so 18 hours....180$. not too upset. the flight i found is $1,158.60 and will make a stop in LAX, where i have never been. so it will be good for me all around. kurts being kind of an ass hole hahahah his attention span is worse than mine. he is so confused as to what the word swagga means, that he doesnt understand how to have a normal conversation. so as for now, ill be talking to his 'mum' to figure the trip out.
i feel this is something i have to do.
how will i know if i dont go?
if it doesnt work, then i get on with college and study abroad in norway like i planned and have peace about it.
but if i never go, i will always feel that i missed out on something great.
this is when my decisions come into play. i need to learn from mistakes, so i need to make mistakes.
im still young enough that i can bounce back.
and this boy thing. its all worked out.
and i dont have to worry about a thing.
i hate the relationship pending, but i love the friendship title.
and whoever the hell you are, out there, in the black abiss of earth, ill see you one day, while im painting in my studio, and then a while later, you will propose to me with a song and dance....and a kitty.
how could i turn down a kitty?!?!?
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