the countdown began today for me. the point where i cannot wait. where i so badly want to count down the hours, but im not that great at math. 2 days.
in 2 days i will get on that plane. and beyond that, i dont know much.
Things have been pretty interesting.
i got the whole birth control situation figured out and im not worried about it anymore.
i think thats been something thats been on my mind a lot.
im so glad that i havnt had sex with anyone. it makes relationships a lot easier.
you know theres no way it could be based on sex, because there is none. And for you to stay in a relationship with someone without doing anything, you must really care about them.
ive been in an interesting place with people lately. ive become quite a bit more independant and im starting to make my own judgements about people.
i smoked sooo many cigars this past week. i nearly chucked a vommie.
anyways. i just feel like, my eyes are open wider to the whole picture. the canvas. which i am painting. which the world paints. i feel like ecclesiastes is my life right now.
ive been thinking about getting a tattoo. yeah kinda reckless. thats why ive only thought about it and i havnt done it yet.
i want song of solomon 6:3 written in hebrew. It says "i am my beloveds, and my beloveds is mine. He feeds me by the lilles"
The reason i want the whole thing in there is because "he feeds me among the lillies" makes me think of the conditions i provided myself with and what he wants for me. i think that if i were to create an imagry of it, it would be something liek this.
i feed among the concrete walls.
but He feeds me among the lilies. among beauty. he provides. and i belong to him as he belongs to me.
i have no idea where i should get it. im thinking about on my shoulder blade or down my spine maybe?
i have a while to figure it out.
i think that chemistry is so huge. i never realized how much of a deal that was until lately. if you are just a walking checklist, you meet the criteria, but theres no chemistry... your SOL. But for some reason i usually fall for the guys that dont make the checklists. but i kinda like it that way. because i think if you meet my criteria you would have no personality. hah!
but faith is... strange.
it cannot be measured. i feel.
it cannot be tested. because God doesnt test our faith, he knows our faith. He breaks us down because he wants us to be stronger. no so he can test if we would be faithful.
and it cannot be measured because its always changing.
its easy for me to have faith when im driving to work. or opening the refrigerator.
but when im buying a plane ticket, its a little harder.
kurt has seemed to take an intrest in just about everyone i know. i dont mind it, i think its pretty funny actually.
i cut my hair today. i felt that when allie and i did it before it wasnt even, so i just got more off.
today is one of the days that my brain feels so scattered. im on my meds and everything is fine. im happy, but not manic. but man when hunter came to my house... i was off the walls manic. i kept running around touching everything and talking about each thing i touched. and then i played drums for him. hah!
it was great to see him again, but i wish i could have sat still and talked.
its about 2:30am and im not able to sleep at all.
ive been trying to separate myself from this all, so it wont define me. and i mean im not letting it hold me back, i do the best i cant. and sometimes i have to just feel it out and feel what i need to feel at the time. whatever extreme.
what frustrates me is when people say i dont have a problem. because i feel that they dont understand. its not that i want it, so im not upset that you say i dont have it, but its the fact that i do have it and you are ignoring the fact that i act this way for a reason.
hahah its funny to me.
my brain is getting so much better.
i remember when this was all happening. this is the progression of my bipolar...
I had my brain injury. felt crazy stupid. felt a lot of strange things.
depression. major.
doctors tell me that i might have bipolar but the depression is so bad its overshadowing my mania.
depression gets under control and signs of mania are showing up.
diagnosis of cyclothmia. (mild bipolar)
no meds makes it into full on bipolar, but with meds...im just mild and its managable.
i still have a couple more things i need to pack before i can leave. my biggest fear for this trip is that my luggage will get lost! hahah nothing else. just my luggage.
i need to buy a curling iron when im in australia. kurt said i can use his straightener, so i dont have to worry about that.
ive started becoming very close to kurt. I met him three years ago on a trip to italy and our familes became really close. We planned the trip to norway together and so i just saw them in june. but when i planned this trip, we started talking more and we are pretty close now.
i think its frustrating how i know who reads my blog. i just wish i didnt know because than i could be more real about it all. i mean im pretty crazy real now but i think i refrain some things because of different people that read this. so dont tell me you read it if you want me to be able to write freely.
write freely. is there such a thing? i feel that if i wrote what i was thinking without any guard on it, i would have pages and pages and i would have offended everyone and then 10 min later i would have to write out a new blog about how i realized my thought process was wrong.
It feels like theres so many things you have to filter. like theres all these things that im still debating in my head and they are not to the point where i could resolve it, so im not to the point where i could process it out physically (blog it).
its like theres all these "pending" files up there.
but it makes me realize that we are all so similar.
and what this blog is for me, is a picture in time of how i am feeling.right now. in the best way i can tell it.
theres pictures of me that are unflattering or my eyes are closed. and there are pictures that i love and want to frame up! thats what this blog is. its a picture in time. and its not all of me. its just a piece. and so many people will say, ohh thats terrible she said that, or i cant belive she did that, but we all do. im just the one thats writing it on a blog.
and what is the judge of some of these things? culture? God leaves quite a bit up to us. thats the whole free will piece.
everything is permissable but not everything is beneficial.
like cutting my hair. hah. theres going to be some 'pro' out there that doesnt like it but to me, its my creation, and its all of me. i cant change it at that moment in time, i gotta let it grow. but everyone has their opinion of you when you are far away from them. but when they are your best friends the opinion is so much more possitive. because they take the time to really know you.
i think im just about through.
thats good enough for me. its 3:00 in the morning. and there is a time for sleep.
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