its like the light at the end of the tunnel...except not the death light.
its like all the puzzle pieces are coming together...or else i just feel a little more optimistic on my chances of completing the puzzle.
Ive recently written about my crazy mood swings and inability to contain myself.
Its not that these have gone away...but i guess ive stopped trying so hard to be someone else.
Ive applied to Wollongong and got denied
Ive applied to Macquarie and have a pending application that looks promising
Ive almost finished my application to UNSW but have decent chances once i do
usually in my blog i say...well this is what i will do...THIS IS THE PLAN.
but "pending" seems more like the plan lately.
School - Pending
Living arangements in australia- Pending
Major- Pending
Friendships- Pending
Kurt and I- Pending
Ive realized that i have needed my life to be in some sort of linear order. but im afraid it doesnt work like that. You dont find someone, date, and either break up or get married. (well yes you do...but bare with me)....thats some sort of depressing chain of events that makes you feel like either the ball or the chain. Its like this circular pattern of finding who you are, being who you are, and refining who you are, and over and over and over. Life happens. dont try so hard for life to happen.
I talked to one of my math class friends recently about sexuality. Being that im a virgin, i have made a choice in my life. Somedays you think you made that choice because you were afraid...and then somedays you know your not afraid. I am so happy of my choice but i feel like theres way too much emphasis on this choice. Sexuality is not about the amount of sex you have...
Im going to include in here a segment from the book Sex God by Rob Bell... i absoululy love this!
“We’re severed and cut off and disconnected in a thousand ways, and we know it, we feel it, we’re aware of it every day. It’s an ache in our bones that won’t go away.
So from an early age we have this awareness of the state of disconnection we were born into, and we have a longing to reconnect.
Scholars believe that the word sex is related to the Latin word secare, which means “to sever, to amputate, or to disconnect from the whole.” This is where we get words like sect, section, dissect, bisect.
Our sexuality, then, has two dimensions. First, our sexuality is our awareness of how profoundly we’re severed and cut off and disconnected. Second, our sexuality is all of the ways we go about trying to reconnect…”
And later in the chapter…
“If we take this understanding of our natural state seriously, we have to rethink what sexuality is. For many, sexuality is simply what happens between two people involving physical pleasure. But that’s only a small percentage of what sexuality is. Our sexuality is all of the ways we strive to reconnect with our world, with each other, and with God.
A friend of mine has given his life to standing with those who have been forgotten and oppressed the most. He’s in his early thirties, he’s single, and he talks openly about his celibacy. What makes his life so powerful is that he’s a very sexual person, but he has focused his sexuality, his “energies for connection,” on a specific group of people.
Some of the most sexual people I know are celibate.
They sleep alone.
They have chosen to give themselves to lots of people, to serve and give and connect their lives with beautiful worthy causes. These friends help me understand why the Red Light District in Amsterdam is so sexually repressed. If you’ve ever walked through this part of the city, where prostitution is legal, you know that it can be a bit jarring to have the women in the windows gesturing to you, inviting you to come in and have “sex” with them.
What is so striking is how unisexual that whole section of the city is. There are lots of people “having sex” night and day, but that’s all it is. There’s no connection. That’s, actually, the only way it works. They agree to a certain fee for certain acts performed, she performs them, he pays her, and then they part ways… There’s no connection whatsoever. If she for a moment connected with him in any other way than the strictly physical, it would put her job, and therefore her financial security, in jeopardy.
And so in the Red Light District there’s lots of physical interaction and no connection. There are lots of people having lots of physical sex – for some it’s there job – and yet it’s not a very sexual place at all.
There’s even a phrase that people use with a straight face – “casual sex.” The rationale is often, “It’s just sex.”
Exactly. When it’s just sex, then that’s all it is. It leaves the person deeply unconnected.
You can have be having sex with many, and yet you’re alone. And the more sex you have, the more alone you are.
And it’s possible to be sleeping alone, and celibate, and to be very sexual. Connected with many.
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