so this is what its like to have 18% body fat... good to know.

my heart is beating but i have no pulse.

I have been throwing. No. Hurling myself into my work.

If i starting thinking.. theres numerous things i could do.
1) work out at lifetime fitness
2) choreograph a dance
3) party
4) work
5) going on dates
6) shopping
7) eating ice cream (which i resort to quite a bit)
8) pray/ cry to God because thats what we seem to do when we are upset right?


I HAVE LOST MYSELF.

but maybe thats how ill find myself.
maybe.

I had a conversation with my personal trainer and we talked about being boy crazy.
i feel like there are so many women out there that have the potiential to actually do something and instead they insert their thumbs up their asses and obsess about men.

beyond this...
I have the oportunity to be with someone that would really be there for me. I know how my life would go. I know I would be safe and comfortable and loved. I would be far away. I could start over. but what if i stayed. and what if i waited. and what if i saw what else was out there? I would miss out on this opportunity and never have it again.
but i feel like my reluctance to take this chance might mean something. I know that right now is not my time to be in a relationship. its my time to laugh and cry and grow and become a better person and to develop myself. and its not a selfish thing.
Im taking care of myself so that i can be a better person for the rest of this world. i dont think thats too selfish.

all these boy issues keep me from holding my breath.
i realized that need i have to be rocked to sleep isnt a need but an addiction. an obession that keeps me up at night. I wander the house because im looking for something.
saying "rock me, rock me, rock me, please for the love of God rock me."
and i am losing sleep over this.
but i dont want just you to rock me. i want anything to rock me.
thats not love and thats not commitment and thats not a relationship. its an obsession. its a fixation.
i dont love you, i love a feeling.

and feelings arent love.

so here i am. its 11:30 pm
and im going to curl my hair in the morning

im going to live this life and this dull existance is going to be made heroic. because i will not get where i want to be with my thumb up my ass. this is when it matters. when things get hard... what do you do? where do you go? because this is when it matters.

Im better than that.