The worst part about it has to be how much I feel.
I feel probably about 99 things in one day.
They used to diagnose that as bipolar, but I guess they realized the real diagnosis is half blindness and half god.
to be a blind god.. to have so much power but no way to see… all you can do is feel.
“Am I doing it right? Am I doing it right? I cant feel fire yet…but maybe that’s because ive been on fire for so long. Can I feel a breaze yet?” No.
Its been hell over here.
It is hell.
And the winds aren’t going to pick up anytime soon.
I love you because we will never be in love.
I hate you because you are bringing me far into this oblivion that I was leading myself blindly.
I guess its more comforting when you get somewhere blindly than by somebody leading you. Because at the end of the day you could blame it on your blindness instead of your faith.
But I hate you. I really do. Ive been banging my head against this wall too long while all you do is bang me.
Im losing my hair again. Im losing shape and weight and body. Its slipping through my fingers. Im losing myself. Literally.
One of my old friends use to tell me that during my ‘chubby’ phase… in which I weighed about 125 lbs…. that there was ‘more of me to love’
Regardless of the definition of ‘chubby’ there is quite literally less of me to love today.
Im losing myself and im losing my mind.
Maybe I just want something to cry about. I want something to be sorry about.
I want to make sure that life goes this certain way.
I was loved so badly
And I traded it in to be beaten.
And that pain gave me a sick puzzle piece that, if jammed and cut and glued the right way, could fit in the same place ‘love’ use to take.
And there are people offering to remove that piece and give me the right one… but I don’t like the way it fits so perfectly. So snug and comfortable.
i measured everything in 'my last'
my last hour at work, my last minute,
my last piece of gum, my last ounce of patience,
my last mile home, my last track on my grandfathers cassette,
my last emergency contact, my last pill
my last night feeling like this.
and it wont be. pain seems to have its way of coming full circle.
i feel that it doesnt matter whether im happy or sad or i should be happy or sad with you.. because i dont love you... and i will never love you the way i should. so im leaving... because i love to leave. and i dont think thats a bad thing... because one day i will find a man that will leave with me. at the same time. and we will go to find ourselves and we will only find eachother. and we will push and push and cry and push and at the end of the day when no one is watching... we will smile. because we know we have fallen in love.
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