Today was.... weird. Emotional....rOlLerCoasTer. But not like the scary and fast rollercoasters...but the slow and rolling hills type rollercoaster...the kind that you can only take so many times in a row and that makes you want to throw up and lay down for a while.
That kind of rollercoaster.
The morning was fine... this week im picking up Bret (my neighbor) from school and driving him home after. Hes pretty quiet. Im pretty loud. My brother, Jay, is pretty loud. Sooo the morning consisted of us talking and Bret listening, until we talked about heavy metal...and his face lit right up. It was beautiful! I love seeing passion. It gives you a reason to go through the day and not have the thought of, "why am i here!?".
Classes were fine as well. Government test I am sooo unprepared for, checking emails during study hall, talking about sex in religion...
SEX. Suchhh a sketchy topic for me. I was molested 3 times throughout my childhood and that really helped me start an eating disorder.
Mr. D started talking about his friends whos husband was this total prick. I cried. Things like that break my heart. Women that are beautiful and love so much, deserve so much more than men like that. He told her, after having 4 kids, that she needed to lose weight. That her body belonged to him (quoting scripture!!!!) and that he was disgusted by her body.
So...I cried.
I was the girl that didnt dream of my wedding day and the man at the front of the church... I had nightmares of divorce and abuse and rape. When I hear stories like this, i cry. Because I feel like that is my destiny. And it breaks my heart.
Lunch: talking about Prom with Kendra and Ali (BESTIES!!!) ...but prom....sooooo confusing. Since I am single... dates for dances has now become a stress. I use to just call up my boyfriend and tell him the day and time and what to wear...now I have to look for a date. BAHHHHHH!
Didnt eat much today... Granola (am) yogurt and kiwi (lunch) pretzals (snack) vegan/GF cupcake and granola bar (pm)
Feeling kinda guitly about that but i think overall thats 1000. Ill eat something before bed and it will be fine. I worked out for an hour and a half today too tho. Ugh.
Well the good part of my day came when i got home.
I got a call from Anne Trapp of St.Davids Care Center. I applied to a PCA (Personal Care Attendent) ....so basically, i applied to be a care provider for a child that has mental or physical disabilites. This is a dream for me. I almost cried when i got off the phone with her (after setting up an INTERVIEW...tomorrow!) this is something i love.
Then i went with kendra and ali to get Vegan/Gluten free food from Cub. Its stressful being allergic to sooo many foods, but its my fault in the first place. How do you expect to be able to eat foods that you denied yourself for 6 years...??? soooo dairy=no, carbs= no, red meats= BIG no. sooo vegan and gluten free is the life for...me.
and onto the topic of boys.. i feel like they are wasting my time. I dont need a relationship to be valuable, so i dont want to just date around. I just get irritated when guys act so sweet to me and then leave me hanging. I feel so stupid!
Tonight just needs to be chill, i need to rest my mind. I need to figure things out.
I think its time to be a little more careful with my time and with my heart. Im way more fragile than i tell myself.
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