today. ugh. fat.
this weekend. ugh. crazy.
I've been thinking so many things. Friday night i was awaken from my slumber from allison, who told me i needed to go straight away to her choir concert. I put my hair up and grabbed my jacket and drove to her mommas house and we made our way to Jehovah Lutheran in st.paul.
I was amazed. I loved the emotion and passion of the music. but alot of the people looked so miserable! and conductors. I cannot stand watching them. I almost peed my pants. I actually probably did pee my pants but was so distracted to even notice! After Bernice told me i had to behave i settled down a bit. Terrrrrrrible migraine. Slept at alis. refused to take my meds. caved. fell asleep, and slept hard.
I woke up and i felt like i had a hangover. it took me about a half hour to realize where i was. toss around, get up, light headed, lay down, get up....look for food. Nothing. Since i am a gluten free vegan there are not alot of foods i can eat. but for some reason i was shocked at this discovery, and i made rice for breakfast.
my love afair with food has really made me upset. im at the point now where i hate eating and im ligit not hungry that often, but i eat because im scared. I am terrified that at any moment, im going to waste away again, that im going to be standing in the doorway of my parents bedroom with my dad crying because they are afraid im going to die.
its like this constant battle. I hate it, i hate the weight, i hate the feeling of my clothes on me now. They use to just hang and now they seem to hug me, i just hate that, but the thing i hate more is making my parents pay thousands of dollars, month after month, and having my momma cry herself to sleep at night becuase her daughter is literally disappearing.
I feel like i have to keep replaying that 'movie' in my head so i wont do this again. But i feel like im lost without it. my identity was in this eating disorder for so long, and its hard to find myself, without finding ED.
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