people suck.
My biggest fear in life is abandonment.
Everyone in my life, has an option to be there or not. Everyone. And I am terrified that one day they will all pick up and leave.
I was sexually abused as a child and that scared my parents to death, and i dont blame them, but they didnt know what to do. I think they hoped that i would just forget about it. Maybe if we dont talk about it or draw attention to it....it will be as though it never happened. So i went through my life, like it happened, but like it didnt matter. Here where these guys (3 different unrelated guys) that met me, got what they wanted, and left. And as a 4 year old, what the hell am i suppose to do?
so here i am, 18, and i dont think i will ever be able to trust someone. I have these amazing friends, and god forbid they do anything wrong, and i think they hate me and that i messed up our entire friendship.
i realized today that i am a runner, and not just the mamby pamby sprint or two, but the full out marathon. I am constantly running away. I feel like i finally get to where i want to be and where i am safe, and its just been a mile. So i sprint away from the mile marker, thinking that the faster i go, the safer i will be, but in all reality....my running faster doesnt make the mile marker go away, it just distances me from it.
I ran out of peer support today and when i opened my car door, i knew i was sprinting again.
Our topic was 'LOSS' and I couldnt handle it. I lost my fricken childhood to the guys that locked me in a treehouse. I lost my pre-teen years to the guy that pinned me down in his friends basement. And i lost my teenage years to post concussive syndrome, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, unresponsive boyfriends, and illness in my family.
7th grade. Im one of the lead parts in our schools musical. My grandparents come to a performance and my grandpa gets a stroke in the audience during one of my solos. I run off stage and have teachers holding me back and telling me to stop crying because i have another solo coming up.
What kind of crap is that! This is the first day that my grandpa started slowing dying, and you expect me to leave him so i can finish my solo. Ohhhh and when my grandpa did die.... you come up to me and shove it in my face , "awww... grandpa died..." thanks.
our society is made off of abandonment. I mean honestly...America started because a whole mess of people left their friends and family and came over here...
And another thing! I can play my music as loud as i want. One of my ex boyfriends would get soooo mad at me for playing music loud. I feel that this is the reason why i blast my music and roll the windows down and scream! I feel free. free from the dynasty of bad choices.
Im reading marylin monroes autobiography and she explained it as...I would never be bought by a man even when I was dirt poor, because I will not be used.
So that is how im going to describe it. I will never be persuaded by lofty speech, i will never open my heart to the man that opens doors for me, and i will never believe for one minute...that he is the only one i will ever love.
He is not 'as good as it gets'. And i feel this is a legit response. Once i cry over a man, he is done. So as of right now...theres alot of men that are non options. I have been bought with a price, so as long as i am respecting myself, you will respect me. I dont need to wonder why you havnt called, why you wouldnt open up, why you treated me that way, because my body and my mind and my spirit are a holy temple. You do not mess with Gods little girl. I will not throw my pearls to the pigs. AND I WILL PLAY MY MUSIC AS LOUD AS I WANT.
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