sunday: up at the cabin in wisconsin.
ive been thinking about a lot of things... Such as; is it okay that i wear my skimpy night dress for 2 days in a row out in public... it STILL seems like a good idea. i justified it by wearing "shorts" underneath (shorts, meaning enough fabric to cover over my parts, but not enough to keep their bulges from coming out). i also justified it because i was terribly sick for the past couple days...
sick. sickness.
i have been throwing up again. its hard because if im sick i justify that throwing up is okay. that its okay i throw up because it could have been just my sickness, not nessicarily me purging. I havnt been eating much lately either. i just feel uneasy. i feel stressed. i have sores all over from stress. picking at my skin, biting my lips, cuts and bruises. My body just shuts down when i am in this mode. i get headaches. i get weak knees. i get lost. i like to say that i am strong, but im afraid i get uneasy from the memories.
im just in a dark place right now. Im getting antsy to leave my family. Joh and i have been trying to find a house to buy. a forclosure. my parents expect the world out of me and if i dont sacrifice all of my time for the family, i am a failure. i am worthless.
yes my family loves me. but its an awkward love. a love i dont quite understand. i am the sensitive one so i am the one that gets dumped on. the cabin is messy...its jenessas fault....jenessa says its not her fault....shes being an ass and is an ungreatful bitch. THANKS GUYS!
I AM NOT CRAZY! i do not imagine this is all happening. you guys can be overbearing. i have been working like crazy so i can earn enough to make payments on a house. i have been studying so i can get the hell out of school and have a career. EVEN THEN... i will be responsible for all the little shit you guys have for me to do. You say i am ungreatful, i think that you guys have 5 properties and you plan rediculous vacations that require tremendous attention. Yeah thank you so much for the extravegant lifestyle, but i can go without. you guys stress yourself over the most outlandish things. sell the 3 cabins... forget about european vacations... stop planning parties at the house...stop. just stop. I will live, i will be more than happy, because i will have your undivided attention and we might actually understand something about eachother. I cannot have children. i cant do it.
1. i might not be able to get pregnant because of my size/lack of body care
2. if i get pregnant i will get fat...i will hate myself...i will starve myself..the baby will die
3. if i get morning sickness i will then have an excuse to be throwing up..."its JUST morning sickness..."
4. i dont want to have kids that have the same problems as me
5. if they turn out all bad and whatever, i will take it personally and blame myself
6. i dont want to treat them the way i grew up
i am just fed up. i cant get things straight right now. i have been so disapointed lately.
you said you would be there and you werent. you said. do you want me to take you for your word? do you want me to trust you? than that is in your court. i cannot make you a trustworthly person. I CANNNNNOT. so if there is a doubt in your mind, tell me no, tell me you wont be there, tell me you wont try, tell me you dont want this. i will get mad, i will be hurt, but i would much rather be hurt than crushed. and you will crush me when you say it will happen and i get all excited and you dont do what you said.
im on the edge of tears
i havnt taken my meds, so i can feel.
i have yet to place trust into someone. and a big part of me hopes no one has put trust in me. i cannot be who i want to be.
i m a wreck, im a mess.
i am crushed, and weak.
my parents refuse to accept that i have bipolar. so to them i am just a hotheaded bitch. to my sister, i am a fake.
i stand up for myself and you shoot me down. thank you. because you have made me distant. you have pushed me far. theres not a recovery for that. theres not a way back from here. but when you cry i will come home and when you go i will cry.
i need rest. i need sanity. i need to quit my job. my boss can bitch, but it will never cut me like your bitching. never.
i need to find a way to live like i havnt been.
and with this i give you one tear and nothing else.
No comments:
Post a Comment