I want a RUDE BOY

when you plan for your future, you usually dont add "life sentence" in the options column.
just saying.
im starving right now. not literally starving... but i like to say that to overemphasise the fact that im hungry. I get very sick in the mornings and its hard for me to keep things down then. but im ready for food right now. mac is getting me lunch from noodles and that will be grrreeeaat.
im sitting in study hall in my last day of highschool and the longer im here the more i convince myself that im younger. today i said to myself...this isnt right...your not reallly graduating. you are definitely toooo young.
im ready to move on though. theres always going to be the people that i cant stand, but im ready for a new batch of them. im getting sick of these ones. the stale drama. the smell. its getting old. I feel that in graduating, i can take what i want from Concordia. I can take all the good things and thrive off that and i can leave all the bad. i can lose the idiots, keep the friends.
i do not want to spend a minute reliving the past though. I will not be the person that watches home videos of their sports highlights.
I feel that for me to grow up is going to be much harder than alot of people. I have bipolar so there are times that i am very immature. i am the strongest woman you will know, but you can break me in a second. i want so badly to be off on my own, but i cant be alone. i dont feel that being in college will bring my eating disorder back, but i dont know whats going to happen... i like to think im stronger than that.
i have that feeling in the pit of my stomach. hunger. something that I use to love. i would tell my body...just eat yourself...im not feeding you. it felt like a fire that consumed me. a hole that left me. when i would get this feeling i would pour down some diet coke, cucumbers, and mustard down into that deep hole. lightheaded. woooozie. out.
A day in my life a year ago consisted of this....
10:00 Coffee. black. (0 calories)
12:00 Lettuce. Cucumbers. Broccoli. salad dressing. (100 calories)
3:00 rice cakes. 2. (60 calories)
6:00 applesauce. unsweetened. wafer crackers. 1/2 a fruit (250 calories)
i wouldnt start eating until 10 or 11 so that i could go longer without food. to me, the kitchen closed at 7:00. if i went over my 500 calorie limit.....exercise....running....2 hours.
it was sick. it was a waste. i was a waste. i knew that all i was doing was taking up space (which i was) and the only way to fix it was to get smaller. the addiction gets so strong.
i would never have known the greatest joy, if i did not know the greatest pain.