big day today!
actually its not but i keep telling myself it is so i can be excited. its going to be a major let down when i go to sleep tonight and realize there was nothing big about today.
but maybe thats how i should act? maybe i should take everyday like its huge. days of our lives. i almost said that in chapel yesterday... instead i said years of our lives. BAH!
im on my period now, i usually dont act much different. i get emotional easily. i complain. i eat chocolate. thats about it. i dont get mad or crabby, and i dont explode on people. i just mostly cuddle.
Ive been really missing Andrew lately. i havnt been able to talk to him for a while. i want to record so bad with him again. his family is so amazing. i think i might see if i can sleepover at his house Thursday night.
last night my grandpa sent me a gift in the mail. he records me singing on a tape recorder all the time and he put them all on a cassette for me. it was the cutest thing ever and i cried when i heard it. it wasnt that he spent money on the postage, or spent so much time on making something, it was that he rejoiced in something about me. it was like i possess something that is beautiful to him, and he delights in it, even more than that...he obsesses about it. enough to beg me to sing to him every time i see him {last time i came i forgot to bring a guitar so he went out and asked around the neighborhood to see if i could use their guitar} enough to record it on the one thing he has, enough to tape it so he can listen to it in the car every day, and enough to send it to me because i have an older car and i might not have a CD player.
My grandpa was an alcoholic all his life but he just taught me one of the most important lessons. that im worth it. that i have beauty and its not the fleeting kind. its the kind that is given and taken that can be shared to so many and can multiply.
Will talked to me yesterday about how he likes girls to have a little meat on them. he also made a very interesting face when he said it. it was a face that really made me believe him. its like as long as i am healthy and taking care of my body, my body will be attractive. my body will be good enough. its so simple.
if you A then B
A. Take care of your body
B. You feel better, look better, are more happy
A. love yourself
B. you give others the chance to love you
but if you...
a. starve yourself
b. you become a twig and are unattractive to everyone
i dont get how it took me so long to understand this. I have a beauty that is worth it. one that is going to stay and not get old and saggie (and musky smelling).
i also decided that this is how i should be treated. by anyone. in a relationship i need someone who is like minded and can see that beauty is not skin deep.
i made an art project and it was a mess of paint over a cardboard box. i wrote on it "the I of the beholder". and "We cant all be blind" I believe that it is in each one of us to decide what we believe and that is what shapes who we are and the decisions we make. its your decision what is beauty and what isnt. but you need to make the choice of be blind or not.
I need someone that sees me for who i am. not for bipolar. not for brain injury. not for ED. thats my body. thats not me. i am so much more than bipolar.
bipolar is something you check on webmd and see the symptoms.
Jenessa is not something you can check there.
i am not a stereo type. i am an individual. and in the face of conflict... i will be Jenessa.
im on my period now, i usually dont act much different. i get emotional easily. i complain. i eat chocolate. thats about it. i dont get mad or crabby, and i dont explode on people. i just mostly cuddle.
Ive been really missing Andrew lately. i havnt been able to talk to him for a while. i want to record so bad with him again. his family is so amazing. i think i might see if i can sleepover at his house Thursday night.
last night my grandpa sent me a gift in the mail. he records me singing on a tape recorder all the time and he put them all on a cassette for me. it was the cutest thing ever and i cried when i heard it. it wasnt that he spent money on the postage, or spent so much time on making something, it was that he rejoiced in something about me. it was like i possess something that is beautiful to him, and he delights in it, even more than that...he obsesses about it. enough to beg me to sing to him every time i see him {last time i came i forgot to bring a guitar so he went out and asked around the neighborhood to see if i could use their guitar} enough to record it on the one thing he has, enough to tape it so he can listen to it in the car every day, and enough to send it to me because i have an older car and i might not have a CD player.
My grandpa was an alcoholic all his life but he just taught me one of the most important lessons. that im worth it. that i have beauty and its not the fleeting kind. its the kind that is given and taken that can be shared to so many and can multiply.
Will talked to me yesterday about how he likes girls to have a little meat on them. he also made a very interesting face when he said it. it was a face that really made me believe him. its like as long as i am healthy and taking care of my body, my body will be attractive. my body will be good enough. its so simple.
if you A then B
A. Take care of your body
B. You feel better, look better, are more happy
A. love yourself
B. you give others the chance to love you
but if you...
a. starve yourself
b. you become a twig and are unattractive to everyone
i dont get how it took me so long to understand this. I have a beauty that is worth it. one that is going to stay and not get old and saggie (and musky smelling).
i also decided that this is how i should be treated. by anyone. in a relationship i need someone who is like minded and can see that beauty is not skin deep.
i made an art project and it was a mess of paint over a cardboard box. i wrote on it "the I of the beholder". and "We cant all be blind" I believe that it is in each one of us to decide what we believe and that is what shapes who we are and the decisions we make. its your decision what is beauty and what isnt. but you need to make the choice of be blind or not.
I need someone that sees me for who i am. not for bipolar. not for brain injury. not for ED. thats my body. thats not me. i am so much more than bipolar.
bipolar is something you check on webmd and see the symptoms.
Jenessa is not something you can check there.
i am not a stereo type. i am an individual. and in the face of conflict... i will be Jenessa.
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