everything is settling down. i had a super manic day today, and it was honestly kind of nice. it was a nice feeling after so many anxiety filled depressed days. I finally feel at peace with what i am doing.
On this trip i will not figure it all out. i will not have some revelation of what i need to do, or who i need to be.
on this trip, i will become confident in who i am, that i can climb this mountain and say to myself...
"yeah, i have these mental illnesses, but they arent who i am. I have been told i will never make it on my own, but this is the day i prove them all wrong. i am strong. i am capable."
this isnt about finding who i need to be, but finding who i am. just a piece of me. i know i am not the timid girl i seem to be sometimes. i know there is so much inside of me that needs this adventure. I will not figure anything out, but i will become something. and things arent all going to be roses. this trip will make me grow up. i will change. and things will be hard. but thats how we grow.
i cannot believe i almost missed andrews grad party. i feel terrible. i changed my flight to july 27th to august 19th, i wouldnt miss this for the world. Andrew is my best guy friend. and i love him so much. and his family is my family. i will be there no matter what.
i know i have been putting immense pressure on myself. its my senior year, time to calm down. i need confidence so much in who i am, and its time for me to do this. i know its not natural and its very sudden, but opportunities come this way. I need to take my talents out of the ground and explore, gain knowledge, and get more talents! This trip is going to open my mind to what ive been blind to.
this is my jahari window and this is the box thats filled with things i dont know. I need to figure them out by myself.
i cannot have expectations for this next month. it will be what i make it.
im sorry to all i am leaving behind this month, please pray for me and let me go. my mom and dad, you have helped me so much and i cannot tell you how proud you should be, that you trained me well enough to accomplish something like this. thanks for beliving in me. i love you!
besides this, my life is a mess. its not that people are dying, or im losing my job, its that i am driving myself insane with all the expectations i have. i need to go somewhere its not familiar.
i know i was just on a trip a month ago and i traveled all over northern europe, that trip was shorter than this one will be. which is crazy because i felt so homesick for a while. it will be different because i will not be with my family, i will not be alone, but not with my family. I feel that i am in great need of seeing kurt. i realized that i value my friendship with him more than i thought i did. its time to start fresh. start over.
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