this is one of those moments.
your hands have been shaking.
your heart has been beating through your head.
this is when it starts coming out.
like a sponge.
like water.
i am a puddle.
i cannot do this anymore.
i need to take my medications.
and no its not about that.
its not some neurotic emotional burst of anger and passion and rage.shuke
its jenessa.
and who is jenessa?
im still trying to figure that out.
ive been looking at pictures.
ive been running through my memory who you are and what that would look like.
im so nervous for next year because sometimes i dont know if there is going to be a next year.
it feels like somedays i could just stop. the running. the chaos. the madness. just stop.
i could wake up one morning and the thoughts would stop circling round and round this empty space.
if i keep going the way that i am, it will ruin all my "next years"
i need to find a way to make this all stop. i need to find a way that lets me run away from it all.
cause isnt that what would be so perfect.
if i could drop this thing like ive been dropped so many times. it would be a distant memory. like a dream.
remember jenessa? when you shook so violently and dad held you so tight and begged you to stop. remember jenessa?
how about when you hit your head because you hadnt eaten in days. remember that? when you were on the fucking floor unable to move? screaming at the empty house, gasping for air trying to think of where the phone was. calling brooke and telling her you thought you were dying. having 5 people pick you up while you are thrashing your body with convulsions. that was great wasnt it? well that was highschool. and now its time to grow up. and i am scared to death.
my parents do not want to let go of me. because those 'bad dreams' of what i recall was my past, are starting to seem more real as time goes by. i ruined myself. in 6 years. i ruined myself.
how am i suppose to think that in 8 months it will all be back together. you didnt make me forget. you helped me hide it. and night is the worst. because no one is there to tell me a great story of the past of how i was there for them or had such a pretty smile, great hair. these stories dont exist. that person didnt exist back then.
im trying the damn hardest i can.
just let me cry. please.
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