watch this.
"Just start dancing, and the band will find you"
I have been terrified that i am not any good. That this brain injury has taken my life. But i will not belive it anymore. I know that i have been told a lot in the past couple months that my emotions are too much, that Im a little too extreme, that i need to grow up. This may be true. but there comes a time when i seperate the things that i can change, with the things i cant.
Before i had this brain injury, i was calm, sweet, patient, i had this drive to be different. To be the change i wanted to see in the world. I still am this way, but i can no longer do certain things that i always felt defined me. I never wanted to be treated differently because of what happened, but i realized i wasnt being fare to myself. To deny this happened would be to deny a piece of myself. This happened. I was in and out of hospitals for years. I could not run for years, i could not read for years, i could not...for years. But the thing is... i ran away from it all. It tore me up inside everyday to watch people interacting and living this normal teenage life, when i was trapped in this world i didnt want to be a part of. I just kept asking myself, why?
Why cant i read, why cant i talk normal, why cant i understand what people are saying to me. Its like everything that defined me. I have always been there for everyone. denying myself. so that i could be there for people. and people latched on to me like crazy. but all of a sudden jen doesnt know, jen doesnt have the answer, jen doesnt. and i kept hearing all these voices saying that i dont. so i started telling myself "i did". I have the potential to be wonderful, and im the only one that is standing in the way.
recently i have been reminded almost everyday that i have a short temper, that i have extreme emotions. And it kills me because i know this comes with what happened to me years ago. I know that im like a computer now and you keep clicking these links but its too much. i shut down. and its no ones fault. But it sucks. im getting to the point where i dont know what to tell you anymore. I had a brain injury and yes i will blame these things on my brain injury because its not my fault. I was never like this when i didnt have my brain injury, but if i can take things day by day...you can too. and if you cannot give me the patience i require... i cannot give you the person you require.
i know that i am beautiful and worthy of love even after a brain injury. and just because you feel differently, like you could never love me unless i became more logical or intelligent, doesnt mean i dont matter. doesnt mean i dont deserve love. My life is better because of this, and i will not forget that. I will stand by this truth with all i have. I will not hate myself because i can no longer be what you want.
No comments:
Post a Comment