its 10:00 on a thursday morning....

and im sitting in that space God gives us. The spot between total sleep and total alertness. The spot where your almost floating. and what am i thinking about?? updating my blog. pathetic!
I've been reading Elizabeth Gilbert books recently and have fallen in love.

I was suffering the easily foreseeable consequences. Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never dared to admit you wanted-an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with a hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is witheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy, and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore-- despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have 'that thing' even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is,you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess,unrecognizable even to your own eyes. So that's it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination-- the complete and merciless devaluation of self." - pg 20-21"
— Elizabeth Gilbert

This is my story right now. I have been having these issues with guys and its driving me crazy. I want to be single and just BE.
however the forces that be have pulled over 10 different guys in my direction and they are strangling me with this. last night was probably the first night that i hadnt been texted to sleep.. so this gave me room to think... and what did i think about??? WHY ISNT ANYONE TEXTING ME TO SLEEP!
I started this addiction to the drug called "someone" it also goes by the name of "anyone". I think i was in recovery for probably 9 days... its gotta stop.
Im not saying to be void of emotions and feelings and longings and desires... but that i never expected my best friends to fill a void in me. I asked for help and they helped... but we never made a habit of it. I help, you help. and then we get on with our lives of hanging out and having a great time. making eachother better independant people. That desire i have to be texted to sleep isnt that at all.. the desire i have to be held isnt that at all... its an addiction.
but what a wonderful thing life would be if we didnt get addicted to drugs!!! Maybe the solution to this is everything in moderation. Hold me, but not every day. because then where is our balance? Moderation.
I like to think of my situation in a really unpleasant way so just bare with me...
its like wiping with paper towels instead of toilet paper.
no one wants to do it... but its there. its really uncomfortable but it gets the job done! However, in samalian countries (i may be mistaken) they wipe with their left hand. They never need toilet paper and so they never have the uncomfort of using paper towels when they run out of toilet paper. now im not suggesting we wipe our ass with our left hand... im trying to give a parallel...
He was my toilet paper (funny i know.. but i said to bare with me) and the other ones were my paper towels. I longed for the toilet paper because it was so much nicer and kinder and it was there.. but i took too much of it and now its gone. The paper towels hurt because they remind me of how i should have been using less toilet paper to make it last. but if i wasnt so severely grossed out i could use my left hand.

make sense??? dont think to much into it..

i decided not to move to australia. there was no way that i could. im staying here to train as a ballroom dance instructor and if all goes well, ill have the job by march. its a one year commitment to that studio and then i can either stay or go to another of the 120 studios around the world or i can leave.

Something about staying and leaving. If im torn between leaving and staying... it all comes down to whos asking me to stay. He never asked me to stay with him so im leaving him. he never asked me to stay with him in australia so im leaving that thought and living here. and im in love with the idea of who he was in the beginning. nothing now. just the person i knew about 7 months ago. and i think it was that i took so much of him. He fed my addictions until he couldnt anymore and i lost myself in those addiction i didnt know i had.

time to move on.