GIA

watching the movie Gia.

Mental illness is such a dark place but it was my comfort for so long. I use to scream and rub my face against my carpet, getting huge burns on my face. I would rock myself to sleep at night and make sure i was tucked in so tight that nothing could come and get me. The blanket was my safe net.
I use to shake uncontrollably. It was because i was hypoglycemic from eating 500 calories a day. I would sit in class and my hands would shake so hard. I couldnt write. I would just sit there, wondering if i was burning calories by shaking.
But my issues werent all from my eating disorder. That was a big part of it but i've also had a panic disorder for a long time.
It felt like i was on drugs. All the time. i would wake up at night and wander the halls, always soooo cold.
Im having a bad trip again. I might be diagnosed with cyclothymia

Cyclothymia= A form of bipolar disorder. It is less severe, meaning i am able to still function.

Trip- thats what im going to call it. When my emotions are out of control. Its like a trip like a vacation and also a trip on drugs. Because i dont know whats going to happen, and i am unavailable to people around me. I. Am. Simply. Gone.
Im having a hard trip lately. Its 10 30 on sunday night and i dont feel well. But heres the thing... people arent going to put up with me 'not feeling well' for that long. it only takes a week like this for people to get irritated and want me to come home. just one week. one week for people to wonder when im coming home.
im so grateful for those in my life tho. They havnt given up on me. they get pissed and stomp their feet on the ground and throw a fit, but they stay. they dont run like i do.
ive been seeming to shut myself off from people lately.
ive been a real debbie downer about marriage and kids. I am a very relational person and i loooooove children... but i think if i have my own, i will think every fault they make is because of me. and a husband to me seems so out of the question.
i am someone people like, not someone they could love.
i am the crush. i am the butterflies in their stomachs.
i am not the one they cant get of their mind. i am not the one they want to spend their lives with.
i am complicated and independent. I refuse to wear the pants! but i usually am forced to.
i refuse to settle again. so if you do not put the pants on and wear them like a man.... i wont settle for you. i have no time to give away to someone who only takes. I need a guy that will pursue me. And if hes not there, then i wont settle.
i am in no rush.
hah!
i need to sleep. i cant get on the anti- feminism rant. maybe another day.