nothing says christmas dinner like vaginal yeast infections

i was driving to my cabin today. which means i have to pass by my ex boyfriends house. i was thinking about it almost the whole time i was driving up. unforgiven.
i have been trying to be right with him for a long time now. we dated for 2 years and theres alot we need to talk about like...
why did you think it was okay to promise me you wouldnt break my heart.
why did you think it was okay to promise me anything.
why did you shut down.
why did you leave.
why did you let me leave.
he says that since i got over him so quickly that i never actually cared.
what was i suppose to do?
the things that were said sucked but the things left unsaid hurt the most. we can talk it up and say whatever the hell we want but when it comes down to it, not many people say how they feel. and i dont think words can ever express what it is that we feel.
me? i feel ache.
not like a drag or a bind or a nuisence....
i feel an ache.
a longing. a pain.
i feel that the next moment is uncertain. i can plan and plan and plan but i cant produce. i cant show up. i cant make it through. i fail, i cry, i run.
i feel like thats why i want to talk to my ex. i want to hear that i wasnt what made him run. that it wasnt because he was unhappy, like he said. but that by some magical chance it was a better reason..like maybe one of those.. "its not you its me" type things. i so badly want to hear it wasnt me. all i know now is that i wasnt the one that gave up. and honestly i dont care if you are reading this right now... i didnt give up. it was you not me. i kept my end of the deal, and my end of the deal didnt include you having the time of your life. my end of the deal was being the best i could be. and i was. ive tried to help but 2 years seem to go to waste like wine to you. if you can forget, i can forget.
im sick of wasting my time. im sick of expectations, or lack there of... no one expects anything great to come out of an 18 year old. no one expects a senior to give a shit about anyone. i will not let anyone say that nothing great will come out of me. i was made for much more than that.
but.as.for.now.I.Am.Simply....pissed