bread makes you skinny, carrots make you fat.

Monday June 7, 2010

Make a promise to me now, reassure my heart somehow, that the love I feel, is so much more real than anything
21:15- on the airplane. Cannot sleep to save my life. I took a handful of sleeping pills before the flight and they seem to not have an effect on me. Tired. So tired. But so uncomfortable. I am excited to get there. The view outside the plane is beautiful. We have about 4 hours left. I don’t know if I can do it! I might take a sleep aide and try again. When I got on the flight my arm rest broke off so I have no way of reclining my seat or turning things on and off. I am fine with this. I do not think that my seat reclining 2 inches would help anything at all.
I miss people. I will be strong. I will be independent.

Tuesday June 8, 2010
We arrive in Iceland at 6am their time (midnight ours) I feel already adjusted to the time. We had a rocky start.
1. going to the wrong airport (saw an old friend of mine that works security and he helped us out)
2. we get on the plane and my armrest is broken along with all the electronical things with my chair. Don’t worry…they taped it up. And shuved the rest under my seat.
3. We arrive and hand the passports to customs and he informs us that we have 5 passports. There are 6 of us. This is an “oh shit” moment. We search everything and we have nothing. Jorgina is officially and illegal alien. Bahah. But seriously it was scary. We didn’t know if we could leave the airport or if we had to go back to Minneapolis. The man said he had no heart to send us back or leave us there so he gave us the USA embassy address and we made our way over there praying to dear jesus that we can stay.
As of now, 15:34, we are sitting at the airport with jorgina….on our way to London with a new ‘emergency’ passport.
Thoughts.
Not a lot. Ive been totally crabby or out of it the majority of this time. I do not feel fat today. I do not feel much of anything today. i am some girl in the airport that is listening to her ipod and might possibly be American. I mean nothing to the people here except for the 5 other ones with me who are just as wreckless and immature as I am. On the plane, when the woman was speaking icelantic, my dad said, “why does it sound like she keeps saying ‘shut the fuck up’?”
So far everyone has understood me when I explain my allergies. A man today was so kind about it and he would bring the food and say….can you have cheese? I would shake my head….he would go downstairs….come back up…can you eat mushrooms?....no…..downstairs….and no gluten?....yep!....i am so sorry!....ohh you are fine!.... here you go.
And….it was so good! I went down and thanked him afterward. It was so weird but soooo good!
Ive been thinking a lot about relationships lately. Why is it that I do not have a boyfriend? Is it because of the risk? I have to take the chance. If I do not, I will never have relationships. Its all about giving the person every chance to destroy you and knowing they wont. You will get hurt. I cant deny myself that. It will happen. It does happen. And its hard. But that’s the risk. I will give you just enough about myself to tear me into pieces, and I will trust that you wont. And when you do. I will cry. I will be a puddle. Hah! So why does this seem so desirable? I don’t know yet. Yet. Such a promising word for such an uncertain thing. For right now, I am in Europe. I am no able to contact anyone in America, so will not worry about relationships in America. I know being here gives me mountains of time to think, but I would rather worry about it when it comes. Right now, there are no relationships pending status. I have friends and very good friends. I will not pursue, I will be pursued. And I need things spelled out to me. I will either assume or be completely oblivious. It’s a wonderful life, I live. Wonderful. But then I also wonder… I will not sit back and wait. Right?
Life doesn’t go like that. I don’t pray and wait. I pray and live. I pray and do. And if in doing I mess up. At least I did something. At least I didn’t sit on my butt and assume my life would go by me unharmed.
So what do I do? Act interested? Act? Be interested? But am I pursuing then? What is my role. I will not be the “damsel in distress” because I do not need help. I need a solace. I do not need a hero, I need a friend.
17:41
watching avatar on the flight to London. So weird. Its like they have sex with animals… weird. Tired. Excited to get to London. We will be spending the night in London and then off to Norway. In Norway we will be 8 hours ahead of USA. I will be with miss sommer, neva, julianna, chirstina, and mr. johan rud. I cannot wait to see them. We brought all these crazy things over here like pancake mix and beer. You know, the necessities! My family has been good I think. Its hard to be with them all for so long, im not the only one that has issues.
I love them and I do not need to explain what is wrong. They mess up like all people do. They should not be made into this freakshow. They are amazing people. Sometimes I do not know what to do with them. Or how to treat them. I love them to death but I pray that my family will be able to get along this trip.

We are in London and it is 22:30 I am so tired. I might be able to get on the internet tonight and be able to say hi to everyone! I know that hunter has already written me an email. He wrote me all throughout my last trip to Europe. Without fail. I check my inbox. And there it is. I am able to see my inbox from my phone. But not read them.
Jorgie left about 30 mins ago to get the internet code. I know shes not coming back for a while.
I think expectations are my problem. I either expect nothing or everything. And it totally changes from person to person. I remember when I expected the world out of my ex boyfriend. And he couldn’t do it. But Kendra offers to buy me taco bell and I almost faint with gratitude??? If my ex would have offered me that I probably would have said, “damn.straight” I expect a lot out of my older sister, my brother, my dad, probably bittner as well. So when they do something great I say…well I knew you had it in yourself all along. But then when they mess up I get so irritated. But on the other hand, the ones that I don’t have expectations for…they tend to not piss me off…they also tend to not dissapoint me…but the problem is…why don’t I have expectations of them? Is that right? I think I should trust people but not to either extream as I am doing. I know that I put a lot of expectations into all my ex boyfriends. I expected something great to come from them. I know that hunter felt that. When we broke up I remember him saying that I put him on this pedistal and looked up to him for so much and the only direction he could go was down. The only thing he could do, because of my expectations, was dissapoint me. So what do I do? Lower my expectations, and I end up dating someone who was not good for me. Its like I see my whole life in a line. Instead of separate waves. Hunter is not connected to the next guy on the list. So when the next guy does something that hunter used to do, I cannot get pissed off at that guy. He has no idea. He is not living my life through my eyes. That would be creepy!
I think the reason that I want to start dating again is because I am a very relational person. I love having that companionship, and I want to learn. I want to do the best for someone else. I want to have the best in mind for someone else. I have been feeling so selfish. But I needed to be to figure things out. I just don’t want to complete someone. I don’t want to be your life. I don’t want to be the reason you wake up everymorning. I want you to have that figured out. So please do not find me until you get your shit together! Have a job, have some sort of direction with your life (I don’t care what it is be a mail currior, whatever the hell you want!) and have a reason for the hope you have, I will not be your life, I will not. I cannot. Because I am unstable. You are unstable. I could probably write a song about how much people suck. But I will not complete you because I cannot. I cant fill any sort of longing you have. I can hide it, sure. But I cant heal it. I only make it worse. So when you are complete. When you are lacking nothing. That is when you can come find me. And ill be here. (well not ‘here’ cause right now ‘here’ is London) but you know what I mean. idiot. =]
And for all the girlies out there. Please do not be this sobbing mess. Do not parade around like you are some trophy. If you want to be the trophy wife, you will find a man, and he will treat you like shit, because that’s what you have demanded from him. You will be eye candy and nothing else. You will be the one helping him wack off and that’s it. You might as well sign the divorce papers at the wedding reception. Its not going to last. And no sobb story is going to keep a man at your feet. Feeling sorry for someone is not the same as love.

Wednesday June 9th 2010
00:00 midnight.
it is 6 in minnesota and i know that no one will be on the internet. i am however, connected. here is where my fear lies. will they talk? will they not. so far... i dont want to talk about it.