19:40
today. was. near. Hell.
Its still something where I don’t understand what the line is between good and bad days. Getting closer to what you need and desire in life I feel is a good day.
With that definition. Today was hell. I went and got a haircut. Fine. But it was obsessive. I started really caring about what it looked like. Not long enough. Not thin enough. Not curly enough. Not. Wtf.
Then I went to the doctor. Reality check. Weighed in heavy. But justifying it… I ate lunch right before I got weighed in. lots of water. Period.
But my brain kicked in and said… no… your fat. Don’t even try to talk yourself out of this one.
Bmi is 24. 26 is in danger of being slightly overweight. And 18 is danger of underweight. 24 is closer to 26. Its math….you wouldn’t understand.
I want bmi of 120. I would have to weigh 110-115lbs. the whole time I was sitting in the waiting room I was calculating how much weight I could lose before my grad party. How many calories I would have to eat each day to do it. How much I would have to run. Its healthy to lose up to 2lbs a week. But for some reason 7.5 seemed pretty reasonable to me.
Another thing accured to me when I was at the doctor. I have this nasty ass cyst and ive been meaning to get that taken care of. But apparently its not nasty enough for me to remember. But this time, there was a med student, a cute med student. A smart cute, doctor, med student, at the University of Minnesota. Mmmmhmmmmm. Bah! But here I am and I have to tell this guy about the cyst on my ass. And its not that I had any intentions with this guy, but its just like …really? Really? Im telling you about this sac of shit that’s on my ass? Really?
I figure that this is what it would be like (in the most removed sense) when we go to God about all our crap, I feel like this is what we should feel. Like omg your so cute and I have to tell you something so gross! Except it would be like holy shit, you love me like the sunshines on my ass, but I totally just shit on your face.
Anyways. I was sitting in the car and I hadn’t eaten since 11 and it was now 5. Banana. Cried. Shoved it down my throat and promised myself I wouldn’t see it again while I prayed gladys wouldn’t make me eat dinner. She insisted. So I ate. My usual meal. When I was really sick. Readddddddy???
Ketcup and lettuce.
I feel sick. No wonder. I eat shit like this. Because its 5 calories per tablespoon. (if you get the sugar free kind). Gag me. The song of today is stay or leave by dave matthews.
Talked about boys with the women at the pool. Felt pretty happy that I have a hard time attaching emotion to things.
I read through my journal from the trip and I think that I shouldn’t write it all out. Its inappropriate. (look at me, all sensitive to what people think!). I wrote a lot of things, that I didn’t know if I meant. There were emotions flaring and people glaring and pigeons wearing…? But yeah. It was fun. I learned a lot about myself. And I will say this.
When people leave for trips, theres this crazy Idea that they fall in love with some mystery man and end up living happily ever after. Well they are so right. I fell in love. But in a different way. I saw what I could have, and what I wanted, and what I definitely didn’t, and I saw risk. And I know what I want. I fell in love with some mystery man, that is nameless to me. Because I finally fell in love with the idea of being with someone, not a particular person, but I felt that I had the compacity to love and to be loved. I have no idea what im going to do with all the guys in my life, but the ones that are worth it will stay, eh? They will try. And I don’t believe that the guy is the one that needs to pick up all this slack and sweep the girl totally off her feet, but in my case… that might be what it takes. If you want to be with me, you better treat me like a damned princess. Because otherwise, you are like every guy that ive been with. And I seem to be getting more standards. And I believe in second chances… but its also not hard for me to get rid of people out of my life. Hahah. I don’t get attached easily.
But omg I have to say, I was very surprised how attached I got to kurt. 2 weeks. Slept over every night. Ate at every meal with me. How could I not get attached. But I wish I wasn’t. I have a best friend on the other side of the world. Its pretty inconvieniet. But man is that guy in love with me. We planned what our house would look like if we got married. Hahah we said that when we are 30 if we weren’t married already, we would get married. So that’s that I guess.
Out of sight out of mind.
Im not ready to have my life together.
I hope I don’t fall apart. Not again. Please let me love myself and not be ruined again.
I feel hopeless right now. I havnt taken my meds. I don’t want to. Because I want to be difficult today. I don’t work tomorrow. Why not be a shithead and sleep all day tomorrow, cry a little, turn my phone off, and lock myself in my room. Lights off. No daylight in, no smiles out. Im pissed.
Lets be dark today. tomorrow ill tell you all you want to hear and make your heart the warmest place on earth. But today. lets be pissed. Lets hate the world together.
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