waking up after a bad day is like a dream. you can remember bits and pieces but you pray to God that none of it really happened. throughout the day you have little flashbacks of the dream. but the one thing thats different is that this 'dream' happened to other people too. so as long as it haunts me, its doing the same to everyone else.
this is why i was scared. i dont have room to fall apart. once someone starts getting close. i freak out. i thought that when i came home everything would be over. not that i want it that way, but im getting older. im getting to the point where im starting to like myself. and when i get this shitty attitude, i just wouldnt talk to anyone. but now you get all my shit. and want to know why i do that? because im trying to get rid of you. im trying to get rid of all you guys that are in my life. im trying to scare you to see if your worth it. i seem to do this a lot. theres no logic to it. but i think i know why i do it.
i always pretended to be someone i wasnt. i dated all these guys that had this picture of who i was. never cried. never complained. never did anything real that would admit that i have some sort of soul, or governing body in my system. they never lasted. obviously...cause im not with any of those guys now. maybe im bitter? maybe it is logical? its worked. sometimes. and other times it leaves me like this. a million things to apologize for. no space for them to let it go. i need to have a system. when i get pissy... i cannot vent to people about it. im not in the right mind. i have no intention of working things out. i just want to attack and show the world how i can get. so then maybe ill weed out the ones that can handle it and the ones that cant. but what this all is coming to.. is that i hurt people in the process. i dont care how messed up i am and sick and whatever. but if my 'quest' for myself is hurting other people.. it makes me wonder what kind of 'quest' that i am on. what am i trying to prove to myself? that when i dump on other people they run and hide just like i would? it doesnt make sense. i cant just say sorry if im not going to change it.
but let me try to explain where the root of this is coming from. you got the end that was soaked in bitterness and sleep deprivation.
you scare the shit out of me. we came to this conclusion yesterday. its not the person that you are, but the position you are in right now. i have no idea what your intentions are. im trying hard not to get to attached. because thats when feelings are involved. kinda like now. but if i had no feelings about you, then if anything happened, like this, i could just walk out without a scratch. which obviously isnt happening. i went over and over this when i was gone. and now that i can finally talk to you... i seem to be having a shit time explaining myself.
pretty messed up huh?
you're dealing with a lot of shit.
im asking for a lot of shit.
and im sorry.
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