at work.
this photo album cant last forever. right?
glady is showing me pictures. she brings the same photo album everywhere we go. i have seen these pictures numerous times. i love her to death, but i think death is a good way to describe today.
Lets start with yesterday. Didnt blog because i was paaaaa-issed.
pissed in the sense of...tired and didnt want to do shit.
jay jay was in a lot of pain and it hurt me to see him like that. mark david and his girlfriend broke up and that broke my heart too. but allie and david are back together and kendra and pete are just swell. i feel like things are coming together. and i kinda find it boring. not that i live off drama, but ive been in stress mode since god knows when, and now that my biggest worries are keeping eddie and gladys happy and cleaning for my grad party... i just need something in my life. and i know what im going to do.
my schedule as of now is...
Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Friday = Eddie and Gladys 3-9
butttttt.....
Im going to start with Mary soon about teaching pottery.
im on a leave at red robin.
im recording with andrew when i can.
my life is starting to get to the point where organization can happen.
i feel that things constantly run through my head. not important thoughts, but schedules.
i write lists, endlessly.
everywhere.
the same thing.
its part of my injury. but it doesnt stop moving through my head. not until i have no work. no plans. nothing. but that doesnt happen. so im sorry when i forget about you...because i forget about everything.
my family has been increasingly more pissed off at me, and i could care less. i love them.
but.
there are a lot of them. and each has demands. and im the smallest one.
last night i went out with the girls and after kidnapping me and bringing me to market fest we went out and got some kettle corn and cigars. yum. each time i have smoked, i have gotten sick and thrown up. no exception this time either. i took a big drag and started crying bent over and choked. took a couple more drags. smart. i felt like trash. throwing up is such a trashy thing. i always say to myself that im not going to throw up in public. thats what i do out with the door locked and the water on. i cant let anyone in on my little secret. ive been feeling sick most of today. not food sick. but stomach sick. not the kind of sickness that food makes me queazy, but the kind of sickness that i make myself queazy.
I keep telling my stomach... i dont have time for this today, lets eat tomorrow. but this isnt going to make me happy. its not making me happy.
im not happy.
i want to go for a long run around a new park that doesnt bring me back to snail lake. i know you read my blog. but dont you think thats a little unfair to me? dont you think that since you refuse to talk to me, you shouldnt be able to see how i feel? but since when have you cared about what is fare and what isnt. and since when have i gotten the long end of the straw?? so here i go mr. potatoe head... you are a coward. And that is how i feel. and honestly, i say that out of immense love. You will never own up to anything if you dont own up to one small thing. you stand for nothing. you believe in anything that will get you out of whatever it is at that moment. you are fake. you are pathetic. im doing great. thanks for asking.
oh and by the way... the one song that ive written that i will never record, is the one i wrote for you.
wow anyways... today ive been working since noon. i feel like ive learned so many things in this past week and currently i am soaked in bitterness. I have had one man breathing down my throat. I have another believing that I am in love with him. I have a sick brother. an unresponsive grandmother. a wild banshee of a family. a handful of people i talk to and i cant even be there for them because i have a million nondescript things running through my head.
heres what i can scramble together.
i like to forget im going to college next year. i havnt taken any of my tests. orientation is on july 13th. ill be there?
school seems like something that will consume me. it will be fine. ill love it. ill eat it all up and throw it all back.
this summer is a blur. i dont know what i can do for any of you guys. my past relationship feels like it stole all my sense of reality from me. i feel so removed. everything was going great and then one day it all stopped. and i look back and think that it was the strangest part of my life. i dont remember half of it. i dont remember half of anything. but all i remember is who you all are now. not who you were. thats to far back. and it trips me up. i cant think of how youve changed or out fall outs or relapses. this last year has been strictly me. and even i dont like thinking about who i was. i know who i am at this moment in time and thats it. and what the hell is all this talk about relationships. as of today i feel so removed from everyone. even you. so today would be one of the days i dont love you. today would be one of the days i dont know you anymore. try back tomorrow maybe.
i feel that today since im not eating. since i took that route today. im going to be hazzie. im going to be in a fog. my hands are going to shake. and im going to try to run and colapse. these are the days that i feel i wont get out of it. today i feel nothing. today i feel mental illness.i feel there is this total other universe that im suppose to be apart of but people keep walking by. some try to poke me with no response. and here i am. not there. i feel as tho the only words i understand would be more in the form on regina spektor music. theres all this shit happening and why the hell am i afraid of black people? how does that make sense? and why do i hate spending time with my grandmother? why cant i think of the words to tell you? why dont my friends take me away to chicago forever? why the hell does any guy want to be with me? and why the hell does some guys contact me relentlessly, while others only once in a while and in their eyes its my boobs on a silver platter. why cant there be someone that is my best friend? someone that doesnt give a shit about my body. like does not have an opinion at all. i dont want you to think that im the most beautiful girl youve ever met. and i dont want you to think i could drop a couple pounds. just dont have an opinion and never talk to me about the human body. it grosses me out. it makes me want to cry. it doesnt have to make sense. oh and this ideal guy wouldnt make things so damn complicated. i dont need a women. if i did i would be lesbian and have that all worked out. but heres the deal. know what the hell you want and be a damn man. im so sick of cowards. and by the way my parents will probably hate you. they seem to hate anyone i bring to the house with a dick between his legs. because they dont trust you at all. but they will. so dont screw them over. they have done the world for me and thats why they dont like you. because in the past 'you' have been the one thats taken the whole world from under my feet. i wouldnt bring this up if it wasnt such an issue. damn it.
dont worry. you wouldnt understand.
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