i leave beacause i was left.

i keep looking at the birds from outside his window and i tell them "its not time yet, you shouldnt be here"

I swear im on some sort of placebo. love cant be so hard. at one point i was loved, and i know this. and i traded that in for something so much less its not even comparable. Do i think i was wrong? would i go back? no. not at all. but I feel this life cant last that long. im getting too old for this, and way to tired. Murphys law has come into full play now and im starting to ask myself if its worth it to keep fighting. and its not. we all know that.

so here i am, and ive promised myself i will never get hurt again. but im such a stranger here. i dont fit and so i have to keep leaving and flying around so i dont get so god damn cold. but i get cold. i shake and when i shake, i shake so hard. tremours. heart murmurs. and when i feel, i feel too much.

im sick of everyone telling me how they feel. but i guess it shows me how rocky my foundation was, that it cant even hold up to people i dont respect. God always knew my heart was a house of cards, but i didnt know this until he knocked it down.

i care too much for things that were never made to care at all. you are an inanimate object that sleeps and breathes. its like your function, because there is no life in you.

i just want to leave again. but where am i going to go this time? and how much longer can i start over?

I was left on the side of the road last night. and i shook so hard. i looked down at my shoes, my favorite stilleto pumps, and i said...
damn you.
you've gotten me no where.. and its today.

I was left on the side of the road last night. and i was left on broadway and 2nd. on a park bench. with nothing. i had no ID no credit cards no cash, nothing. I had a jacket and a phone with 5 mins charge left on it. and i had these shoes. Its funny what you end up with when you need so much. I had clothing and a phone and enough tears to flood the rest of australia. and the best advice i was given after the fact was "I would have taken a minor over death"

great. well i would have taken tennis shoes over these fucking high heels! and i would have taken laughter over these tears... and i would have taken love over this placebo. but this is what i got. this is my card right now and i cant do anything about it. so i cry and i cry and i try to find some sort of humour in this whole situation, but theres nothign funny about death. and theres nothing funny about being left, drunk, on broadway and theres nothing funny about living a life that takes you 10 steps back everytime you take 1 forward.

I got picked up though. and i cried in the backseat of this guys car. and he took me to the uptown diner, and i cried. and i cursed my high heels and i cried. and he bought me some sort of nasty stale food and i just shook. i couldnt say a word because my biggest fear or being abandoned had just found me. and now anything in my life that could ever possibly leave me, i will leave. because it will be better for me to leave now than be abandoned again. so i life this life, leaving.

because.
i like to leave.

and there has to be another magical place i can escape to. there has to be. theres always a distraction. i live for these adventures because when i am seeking something out i cannot be left. because theres nothing to leave. I am this new exciting person in this otherwise normal life, so i am loved and people take interest. but there comes a time when ive been there too long. everybody needs something to hold their attention. i can entertain myself... so i make things better than they really are. but all of you? you need me. you need a show. so i give it to you. and you leave me empty. depleted. and at the end of the day, after you have sucked all the life out of me. i come back. just so you can do it all again. but then i get this courage, maybe stupidity, inside myself and i say FUCK IT. i am so much better than you are all leading me on to be. so i leave, only to find the same people in other places. different day, different town, different face, same shit. always.

but i swear i still have it in me. somewhere. there is this little bird that flies around the world of my heart and one day it will get it right. it wont be so early and it wont be so cold and it wont be so tired and it wont grow up so fast. it will be where it should be and it will be alive. and that little fire of hope that i have left in this rag doll of myself, is whats going to take me through tonight. because sometimes there is life after death. and i need to put this to death so i might see life again.

For this is not the last time my heart will be broken.