643 Licks to a Tootsie Pop. Litterally.

people suck.



My biggest fear in life is abandonment.

Everyone in my life, has an option to be there or not. Everyone. And I am terrified that one day they will all pick up and leave.



I was sexually abused as a child and that scared my parents to death, and i dont blame them, but they didnt know what to do. I think they hoped that i would just forget about it. Maybe if we dont talk about it or draw attention to it....it will be as though it never happened. So i went through my life, like it happened, but like it didnt matter. Here where these guys (3 different unrelated guys) that met me, got what they wanted, and left. And as a 4 year old, what the hell am i suppose to do?



so here i am, 18, and i dont think i will ever be able to trust someone. I have these amazing friends, and god forbid they do anything wrong, and i think they hate me and that i messed up our entire friendship.



i realized today that i am a runner, and not just the mamby pamby sprint or two, but the full out marathon. I am constantly running away. I feel like i finally get to where i want to be and where i am safe, and its just been a mile. So i sprint away from the mile marker, thinking that the faster i go, the safer i will be, but in all reality....my running faster doesnt make the mile marker go away, it just distances me from it.



I ran out of peer support today and when i opened my car door, i knew i was sprinting again.



Our topic was 'LOSS' and I couldnt handle it. I lost my fricken childhood to the guys that locked me in a treehouse. I lost my pre-teen years to the guy that pinned me down in his friends basement. And i lost my teenage years to post concussive syndrome, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, unresponsive boyfriends, and illness in my family.



7th grade. Im one of the lead parts in our schools musical. My grandparents come to a performance and my grandpa gets a stroke in the audience during one of my solos. I run off stage and have teachers holding me back and telling me to stop crying because i have another solo coming up.

What kind of crap is that! This is the first day that my grandpa started slowing dying, and you expect me to leave him so i can finish my solo. Ohhhh and when my grandpa did die.... you come up to me and shove it in my face , "awww... grandpa died..." thanks.



our society is made off of abandonment. I mean honestly...America started because a whole mess of people left their friends and family and came over here...



And another thing! I can play my music as loud as i want. One of my ex boyfriends would get soooo mad at me for playing music loud. I feel that this is the reason why i blast my music and roll the windows down and scream! I feel free. free from the dynasty of bad choices.

Im reading marylin monroes autobiography and she explained it as...I would never be bought by a man even when I was dirt poor, because I will not be used.
So that is how im going to describe it. I will never be persuaded by lofty speech, i will never open my heart to the man that opens doors for me, and i will never believe for one minute...that he is the only one i will ever love.
He is not 'as good as it gets'. And i feel this is a legit response. Once i cry over a man, he is done. So as of right now...theres alot of men that are non options. I have been bought with a price, so as long as i am respecting myself, you will respect me. I dont need to wonder why you havnt called, why you wouldnt open up, why you treated me that way, because my body and my mind and my spirit are a holy temple. You do not mess with Gods little girl. I will not throw my pearls to the pigs. AND I WILL PLAY MY MUSIC AS LOUD AS I WANT.

You like my Helen Keller accent?

today. ugh. fat.

this weekend. ugh. crazy.

I've been thinking so many things. Friday night i was awaken from my slumber from allison, who told me i needed to go straight away to her choir concert. I put my hair up and grabbed my jacket and drove to her mommas house and we made our way to Jehovah Lutheran in st.paul.

I was amazed. I loved the emotion and passion of the music. but alot of the people looked so miserable! and conductors. I cannot stand watching them. I almost peed my pants. I actually probably did pee my pants but was so distracted to even notice! After Bernice told me i had to behave i settled down a bit. Terrrrrrrible migraine. Slept at alis. refused to take my meds. caved. fell asleep, and slept hard.

I woke up and i felt like i had a hangover. it took me about a half hour to realize where i was. toss around, get up, light headed, lay down, get up....look for food. Nothing. Since i am a gluten free vegan there are not alot of foods i can eat. but for some reason i was shocked at this discovery, and i made rice for breakfast.

my love afair with food has really made me upset. im at the point now where i hate eating and im ligit not hungry that often, but i eat because im scared. I am terrified that at any moment, im going to waste away again, that im going to be standing in the doorway of my parents bedroom with my dad crying because they are afraid im going to die.

its like this constant battle. I hate it, i hate the weight, i hate the feeling of my clothes on me now. They use to just hang and now they seem to hug me, i just hate that, but the thing i hate more is making my parents pay thousands of dollars, month after month, and having my momma cry herself to sleep at night becuase her daughter is literally disappearing.

I feel like i have to keep replaying that 'movie' in my head so i wont do this again. But i feel like im lost without it. my identity was in this eating disorder for so long, and its hard to find myself, without finding ED.

You can't roller skate in a buffalo heard.

THERES SO MANY THINGS I WISH I COULD TELL PEOPLE, IF ONLY THEY WERENT SO MILDLY INAPPROPRIATE!!!!


example...
NO, your ugly and you have no personality.
instead i say...
maybe not today

I really wish you would just ask me out already!
instead i say...
yeah your right, it probably wouldnt work out..i guessss

I dont want to be in a group with you because you dont do any work and you count on me for an A.
instead i say...
yeah we definitely have room for you in our group

ughhhh this makes me sick.


my daddy talked to me last night about my ED and dealing with it. He was soooo sweet and he made me wanna cry. I just wish i could take away those memories. He deserves so much more.
And on the other hand....i know i still have bad tendencies and i have a feeling this all might blow up in my face again...soon.


yep.. Its as weird as the day is long. (sigh)

Chinese, Japanese, Dirty Knees, Look at These...

This will be short cause i have buckets of things to do!

I hung out with some of the international students today and just talked with them about life, and girlfriends, and school..

These guys are amazing. They are not just the stereotypical "Asians" that are crazy at math and do ninja moves! They were talking and they were just glowing up!

Beauty.

Job interview=AMAZING! (PCA) I want this job sooo bad.

Feeling fat today. No change in weight, but i still don't like the number on the scale. i know its just a number, Its days like this that make it hard to see past the number.

I'm not going to fixate tho. I am promising myself that right now.

And today seems like a great day to be blunt.
Im painting that on my canvas.

Canvas

Your life is a canvas. You are the one that allows people to paint on your canvas.
You can give them each a little part to paint on and you will have a diverse modge-podge of art.
You can give people the whole canvas to work with and you will have a mess of everyones ideas blurring together.
You can paint your own.
You do whatever you want with it.

My canvas needed to be thrown away. It was to the point where all the colors blended together into this dismal brown color. I painted myself black and tried to get people to put colors on it, but i gave everyone that position. If you wanted you could paint on my canvas.

But today is a new canvas.
Im not just going to let the amatours paint today.
Today, i'm going to paint my own.
And when i need help with shading and color schemes...im going to ask the people i trust.
The people who have always been there.
Thank you Joh, Jay, Allison, Kendra, Andrew, Momma and Pappa.
You have painted me BEAUTIFUL.

Why Dont They Sell Kittys at the Grocery Store?

Today was.... weird. Emotional....rOlLerCoasTer. But not like the scary and fast rollercoasters...but the slow and rolling hills type rollercoaster...the kind that you can only take so many times in a row and that makes you want to throw up and lay down for a while.

That kind of rollercoaster.

The morning was fine... this week im picking up Bret (my neighbor) from school and driving him home after. Hes pretty quiet. Im pretty loud. My brother, Jay, is pretty loud. Sooo the morning consisted of us talking and Bret listening, until we talked about heavy metal...and his face lit right up. It was beautiful! I love seeing passion. It gives you a reason to go through the day and not have the thought of, "why am i here!?".

Classes were fine as well. Government test I am sooo unprepared for, checking emails during study hall, talking about sex in religion...

SEX. Suchhh a sketchy topic for me. I was molested 3 times throughout my childhood and that really helped me start an eating disorder.

Mr. D started talking about his friends whos husband was this total prick. I cried. Things like that break my heart. Women that are beautiful and love so much, deserve so much more than men like that. He told her, after having 4 kids, that she needed to lose weight. That her body belonged to him (quoting scripture!!!!) and that he was disgusted by her body.

So...I cried.

I was the girl that didnt dream of my wedding day and the man at the front of the church... I had nightmares of divorce and abuse and rape. When I hear stories like this, i cry. Because I feel like that is my destiny. And it breaks my heart.

Lunch: talking about Prom with Kendra and Ali (BESTIES!!!) ...but prom....sooooo confusing. Since I am single... dates for dances has now become a stress. I use to just call up my boyfriend and tell him the day and time and what to wear...now I have to look for a date. BAHHHHHH!

Didnt eat much today... Granola (am) yogurt and kiwi (lunch) pretzals (snack) vegan/GF cupcake and granola bar (pm)

Feeling kinda guitly about that but i think overall thats 1000. Ill eat something before bed and it will be fine. I worked out for an hour and a half today too tho. Ugh.

Well the good part of my day came when i got home.

I got a call from Anne Trapp of St.Davids Care Center. I applied to a PCA (Personal Care Attendent) ....so basically, i applied to be a care provider for a child that has mental or physical disabilites. This is a dream for me. I almost cried when i got off the phone with her (after setting up an INTERVIEW...tomorrow!) this is something i love.

Then i went with kendra and ali to get Vegan/Gluten free food from Cub. Its stressful being allergic to sooo many foods, but its my fault in the first place. How do you expect to be able to eat foods that you denied yourself for 6 years...??? soooo dairy=no, carbs= no, red meats= BIG no. sooo vegan and gluten free is the life for...me.

and onto the topic of boys.. i feel like they are wasting my time. I dont need a relationship to be valuable, so i dont want to just date around. I just get irritated when guys act so sweet to me and then leave me hanging. I feel so stupid!

Tonight just needs to be chill, i need to rest my mind. I need to figure things out.

I think its time to be a little more careful with my time and with my heart. Im way more fragile than i tell myself.

First Post...So Lets Talk About Context.

Hi guys! This is Jen. I am a senior in high school, and this blog has just become my outlet. I have a million ways to cope and the majority of them have to do with food and lack there-of.

I have been diagnosed with an eating disorder, severe anxiety, panic disorder, major depression syndrome, post concussive disorder, mood disorder, and digestive disorder in a span of about 6 years (with the eating disorder being the first to come and the digestive the last...hmmm.... interesting...). I am on a lot of medications, but I don't have much choice in the matter so, BRING IT ON!

So as you can see, I need an outlet. I am a christian and that is not just a label to me. It is not about religion, but relationship. And God has changed me. If it was up to me, I would have been dead 5 years ago, but God keeps showing me that He loves me even when I don't love myself. He is overall my greatest outlet, and my only hope. This blog will be my process with healing from these disorders, being a christian woman, and being just a flat out woman ( a friend, a daughter, a sister, and girlfriend )!

I am not an incredibly 'EMO' kid.... even tho this blog so far has shown otherwise! =] I love people, and I generally love my life. I just have a lot of opinions, and a greatttt need to post and sort through my life. I just want to get through it all, and I believe journalling is suchhhh therapy!

So here we go... this is the journal to my heart!!!