Rupert Burns: What do they say?
Andrew Martin: That you can lose yourself. Everything. All boundaries. All time. That two bodies can become so mixed up, that you don't know who's who or what's what. And just when the sweet confusion is so intense you think you're gonna die... you kind of do. Leaving you alone in your separate body, but the one you love is still there. That's a miracle. You can go to heaven and come back alive. You can go back anytime you want with the one you love.
3.28.2011
3.27.2011
They gave me a globe and I never looked back.
Forever.
its a long way down isnt it?
but it seems that the only way i can go is down.
you either get married or you break up.
and i have already dated... 11 guys... and im 19.
so right now my odds arent looking good...
or maybe his odds are the ones that arent looking good.
its about love.
when you want someone thats when you lose them.
and when you need them they are gone.
and you cry and piss yourself and eat lots of ice cream and rotisserie chicken.
and you get all fat and pathetic and turn into this monster and you lose yourself
and he starts thinking that this isnt the woman he loves.
he never loved the crying and the complaining, but he loved you so he put up with it cause he loved you and there was so much more left of you.
but now youve turned into a psycho crier and no one seems to be able to find the woman you once were.
we lose ourselves because we think we have found something, but no one will ever be able to be who you were and now that you've compromised that the world has lost someone great. and he has lost someone great.
half of my relationships ended because we were so young.
others ended because he wasnt happy anymore.
because i wasnt there anymore. I wasnt alive. I was scared and lost myself.
its time to not be a desperate mess. Its time to live.
its a long way down isnt it?
but it seems that the only way i can go is down.
you either get married or you break up.
and i have already dated... 11 guys... and im 19.
so right now my odds arent looking good...
or maybe his odds are the ones that arent looking good.
its about love.
when you want someone thats when you lose them.
and when you need them they are gone.
and you cry and piss yourself and eat lots of ice cream and rotisserie chicken.
and you get all fat and pathetic and turn into this monster and you lose yourself
and he starts thinking that this isnt the woman he loves.
he never loved the crying and the complaining, but he loved you so he put up with it cause he loved you and there was so much more left of you.
but now youve turned into a psycho crier and no one seems to be able to find the woman you once were.
we lose ourselves because we think we have found something, but no one will ever be able to be who you were and now that you've compromised that the world has lost someone great. and he has lost someone great.
half of my relationships ended because we were so young.
others ended because he wasnt happy anymore.
because i wasnt there anymore. I wasnt alive. I was scared and lost myself.
its time to not be a desperate mess. Its time to live.
3.15.2011
a poem.
maybe its too late for all this
or maybe too early
because life has asked only one thing of me
and it is to keep-- going.
moving. producing. dancing
dance, dance on this stage that you have been given
...but i havnt seen a speed limit sign for miles
so i go off of what you said
he said
she said
(they say)
but they talk and its only words right
and they yell but its only volume... right
and I cry. but its only weight, right?
and my momma told me to pick the very last one
and my momma told me nothing good happens after one.
and its 1:37, 38, 39, 40.
...so what do I do now, life?
do i dance or do I fall
and when I fall, do I fall hard?
because ive come home later than one before
and the neighbors awake to their neighborhood whore
"she lives her life in that body,
and that soul never sleeps,
and that body never eats.
She doesnt live here anymore"
because I have been loved so severely,
so sincerely.
and now i lay down next to his sleeping body and i ask the ceiling HOW THE HELL DID I GET HERE!?
...and no one answers.
and its after one.
and the sun is creeping the way suns tend.
and the snow lingers the way snow spends.
and I whisper to the birds, "its not time yet."
"Why Are You Here?"
We are strangers to this place. We have no home
Motion is our home.
and we are never alone
because everyone has to move.
at.some.point.
everyone has to choose.
and its after one.
and ive chosen to stay so many times before
and ive learned to pay in so many ways before
and its the same old tired story
and you are the same old tired whore,we
spend our lives separate, and apart, but so close you could choke me.
so tonight ill fall, and ill fall hard
because when i get back up
the bruises will tell a story that words cant
and its after one but life has a way of leaving scars
and time doesnt seem to have a say in who leaves the bars together.
3 months ago it was you.
but whos counting
its after one
its not time for math or numbers or statistics of fallen empires
and sudden house fires.
i love you and i search for those words
but its after one.
or maybe too early
because life has asked only one thing of me
and it is to keep-- going.
moving. producing. dancing
dance, dance on this stage that you have been given
...but i havnt seen a speed limit sign for miles
so i go off of what you said
he said
she said
(they say)
but they talk and its only words right
and they yell but its only volume... right
and I cry. but its only weight, right?
and my momma told me to pick the very last one
and my momma told me nothing good happens after one.
and its 1:37, 38, 39, 40.
...so what do I do now, life?
do i dance or do I fall
and when I fall, do I fall hard?
because ive come home later than one before
and the neighbors awake to their neighborhood whore
"she lives her life in that body,
and that soul never sleeps,
and that body never eats.
She doesnt live here anymore"
because I have been loved so severely,
so sincerely.
and now i lay down next to his sleeping body and i ask the ceiling HOW THE HELL DID I GET HERE!?
...and no one answers.
and its after one.
and the sun is creeping the way suns tend.
and the snow lingers the way snow spends.
and I whisper to the birds, "its not time yet."
"Why Are You Here?"
We are strangers to this place. We have no home
Motion is our home.
and we are never alone
because everyone has to move.
at.some.point.
everyone has to choose.
and its after one.
and ive chosen to stay so many times before
and ive learned to pay in so many ways before
and its the same old tired story
and you are the same old tired whore,we
spend our lives separate, and apart, but so close you could choke me.
so tonight ill fall, and ill fall hard
because when i get back up
the bruises will tell a story that words cant
and its after one but life has a way of leaving scars
and time doesnt seem to have a say in who leaves the bars together.
3 months ago it was you.
but whos counting
its after one
its not time for math or numbers or statistics of fallen empires
and sudden house fires.
i love you and i search for those words
but its after one.
3.06.2011
Tapir
life has been easy for you ..for you have been the rider.
but i pray this car stalls. and when it stalls.. i pray you have the clothes on your back and nothing else. because maybe if you are desperate... like desperate for your life, maybe then you will learn to love. and learn to stop. and learn to appreciate.
i hope you fall and fall hard and when you get back up i hope you turn.mold.shape....change.
because you live this life in this body and you cry at night because you are alone but now its time to realize that we dont hold eachother, we hold ourselves. and the real beauty is when you have cancer and you have nothing to your name and no one to hold you and no one to cry for you and no one. the real beauty is when you look inside yourself and see that you have nothing you could possibly give to anyone anymore and you say, with not a tear in your heart. "God is enough". For if we keep looking to eachother for strength, we grow accustom. and then there will be a day when you are alone and you cannot see any reason to go on and you will die inside. just a little bit. each day.
and when your car stalls, instead of walking away, you will sit and wait and die. and when its all done you will say, "no one was there to save me"
im sick of relying on people. to love and to be loved is one of the greatest gifts God has given us but love doesnt come without hate. and theres so much hate it could make an ocean. so what is it going to be Hard Man? am i going to love today and risk hate. wait for it. because its going to be a long walk. and you CAN do it alone.
I hate you. because with my love comes my hate. and you have not shown me the love i needed nor the love i wanted. you have beaten me down and here i stand. and i stand tall. because i can make it without you. i can fly. and i will look at those birds outside your window and i will fly with them. Lets get the hell out of here, i will say. because you deserve to be left at the alter. you have cheapened love and you deserve it to cheapen you. i hope you get hell, because then MAYBE you will search for heaven.
but i pray this car stalls. and when it stalls.. i pray you have the clothes on your back and nothing else. because maybe if you are desperate... like desperate for your life, maybe then you will learn to love. and learn to stop. and learn to appreciate.
i hope you fall and fall hard and when you get back up i hope you turn.mold.shape....change.
because you live this life in this body and you cry at night because you are alone but now its time to realize that we dont hold eachother, we hold ourselves. and the real beauty is when you have cancer and you have nothing to your name and no one to hold you and no one to cry for you and no one. the real beauty is when you look inside yourself and see that you have nothing you could possibly give to anyone anymore and you say, with not a tear in your heart. "God is enough". For if we keep looking to eachother for strength, we grow accustom. and then there will be a day when you are alone and you cannot see any reason to go on and you will die inside. just a little bit. each day.
and when your car stalls, instead of walking away, you will sit and wait and die. and when its all done you will say, "no one was there to save me"
im sick of relying on people. to love and to be loved is one of the greatest gifts God has given us but love doesnt come without hate. and theres so much hate it could make an ocean. so what is it going to be Hard Man? am i going to love today and risk hate. wait for it. because its going to be a long walk. and you CAN do it alone.
I hate you. because with my love comes my hate. and you have not shown me the love i needed nor the love i wanted. you have beaten me down and here i stand. and i stand tall. because i can make it without you. i can fly. and i will look at those birds outside your window and i will fly with them. Lets get the hell out of here, i will say. because you deserve to be left at the alter. you have cheapened love and you deserve it to cheapen you. i hope you get hell, because then MAYBE you will search for heaven.
3.05.2011
i leave beacause i was left.
i keep looking at the birds from outside his window and i tell them "its not time yet, you shouldnt be here"
I swear im on some sort of placebo. love cant be so hard. at one point i was loved, and i know this. and i traded that in for something so much less its not even comparable. Do i think i was wrong? would i go back? no. not at all. but I feel this life cant last that long. im getting too old for this, and way to tired. Murphys law has come into full play now and im starting to ask myself if its worth it to keep fighting. and its not. we all know that.
so here i am, and ive promised myself i will never get hurt again. but im such a stranger here. i dont fit and so i have to keep leaving and flying around so i dont get so god damn cold. but i get cold. i shake and when i shake, i shake so hard. tremours. heart murmurs. and when i feel, i feel too much.
im sick of everyone telling me how they feel. but i guess it shows me how rocky my foundation was, that it cant even hold up to people i dont respect. God always knew my heart was a house of cards, but i didnt know this until he knocked it down.
i care too much for things that were never made to care at all. you are an inanimate object that sleeps and breathes. its like your function, because there is no life in you.
i just want to leave again. but where am i going to go this time? and how much longer can i start over?
I was left on the side of the road last night. and i shook so hard. i looked down at my shoes, my favorite stilleto pumps, and i said...
damn you.
you've gotten me no where.. and its today.
I was left on the side of the road last night. and i was left on broadway and 2nd. on a park bench. with nothing. i had no ID no credit cards no cash, nothing. I had a jacket and a phone with 5 mins charge left on it. and i had these shoes. Its funny what you end up with when you need so much. I had clothing and a phone and enough tears to flood the rest of australia. and the best advice i was given after the fact was "I would have taken a minor over death"
great. well i would have taken tennis shoes over these fucking high heels! and i would have taken laughter over these tears... and i would have taken love over this placebo. but this is what i got. this is my card right now and i cant do anything about it. so i cry and i cry and i try to find some sort of humour in this whole situation, but theres nothign funny about death. and theres nothing funny about being left, drunk, on broadway and theres nothing funny about living a life that takes you 10 steps back everytime you take 1 forward.
I got picked up though. and i cried in the backseat of this guys car. and he took me to the uptown diner, and i cried. and i cursed my high heels and i cried. and he bought me some sort of nasty stale food and i just shook. i couldnt say a word because my biggest fear or being abandoned had just found me. and now anything in my life that could ever possibly leave me, i will leave. because it will be better for me to leave now than be abandoned again. so i life this life, leaving.
because.
i like to leave.
and there has to be another magical place i can escape to. there has to be. theres always a distraction. i live for these adventures because when i am seeking something out i cannot be left. because theres nothing to leave. I am this new exciting person in this otherwise normal life, so i am loved and people take interest. but there comes a time when ive been there too long. everybody needs something to hold their attention. i can entertain myself... so i make things better than they really are. but all of you? you need me. you need a show. so i give it to you. and you leave me empty. depleted. and at the end of the day, after you have sucked all the life out of me. i come back. just so you can do it all again. but then i get this courage, maybe stupidity, inside myself and i say FUCK IT. i am so much better than you are all leading me on to be. so i leave, only to find the same people in other places. different day, different town, different face, same shit. always.
but i swear i still have it in me. somewhere. there is this little bird that flies around the world of my heart and one day it will get it right. it wont be so early and it wont be so cold and it wont be so tired and it wont grow up so fast. it will be where it should be and it will be alive. and that little fire of hope that i have left in this rag doll of myself, is whats going to take me through tonight. because sometimes there is life after death. and i need to put this to death so i might see life again.
For this is not the last time my heart will be broken.
I swear im on some sort of placebo. love cant be so hard. at one point i was loved, and i know this. and i traded that in for something so much less its not even comparable. Do i think i was wrong? would i go back? no. not at all. but I feel this life cant last that long. im getting too old for this, and way to tired. Murphys law has come into full play now and im starting to ask myself if its worth it to keep fighting. and its not. we all know that.
so here i am, and ive promised myself i will never get hurt again. but im such a stranger here. i dont fit and so i have to keep leaving and flying around so i dont get so god damn cold. but i get cold. i shake and when i shake, i shake so hard. tremours. heart murmurs. and when i feel, i feel too much.
im sick of everyone telling me how they feel. but i guess it shows me how rocky my foundation was, that it cant even hold up to people i dont respect. God always knew my heart was a house of cards, but i didnt know this until he knocked it down.
i care too much for things that were never made to care at all. you are an inanimate object that sleeps and breathes. its like your function, because there is no life in you.
i just want to leave again. but where am i going to go this time? and how much longer can i start over?
I was left on the side of the road last night. and i shook so hard. i looked down at my shoes, my favorite stilleto pumps, and i said...
damn you.
you've gotten me no where.. and its today.
I was left on the side of the road last night. and i was left on broadway and 2nd. on a park bench. with nothing. i had no ID no credit cards no cash, nothing. I had a jacket and a phone with 5 mins charge left on it. and i had these shoes. Its funny what you end up with when you need so much. I had clothing and a phone and enough tears to flood the rest of australia. and the best advice i was given after the fact was "I would have taken a minor over death"
great. well i would have taken tennis shoes over these fucking high heels! and i would have taken laughter over these tears... and i would have taken love over this placebo. but this is what i got. this is my card right now and i cant do anything about it. so i cry and i cry and i try to find some sort of humour in this whole situation, but theres nothign funny about death. and theres nothing funny about being left, drunk, on broadway and theres nothing funny about living a life that takes you 10 steps back everytime you take 1 forward.
I got picked up though. and i cried in the backseat of this guys car. and he took me to the uptown diner, and i cried. and i cursed my high heels and i cried. and he bought me some sort of nasty stale food and i just shook. i couldnt say a word because my biggest fear or being abandoned had just found me. and now anything in my life that could ever possibly leave me, i will leave. because it will be better for me to leave now than be abandoned again. so i life this life, leaving.
because.
i like to leave.
and there has to be another magical place i can escape to. there has to be. theres always a distraction. i live for these adventures because when i am seeking something out i cannot be left. because theres nothing to leave. I am this new exciting person in this otherwise normal life, so i am loved and people take interest. but there comes a time when ive been there too long. everybody needs something to hold their attention. i can entertain myself... so i make things better than they really are. but all of you? you need me. you need a show. so i give it to you. and you leave me empty. depleted. and at the end of the day, after you have sucked all the life out of me. i come back. just so you can do it all again. but then i get this courage, maybe stupidity, inside myself and i say FUCK IT. i am so much better than you are all leading me on to be. so i leave, only to find the same people in other places. different day, different town, different face, same shit. always.
but i swear i still have it in me. somewhere. there is this little bird that flies around the world of my heart and one day it will get it right. it wont be so early and it wont be so cold and it wont be so tired and it wont grow up so fast. it will be where it should be and it will be alive. and that little fire of hope that i have left in this rag doll of myself, is whats going to take me through tonight. because sometimes there is life after death. and i need to put this to death so i might see life again.
For this is not the last time my heart will be broken.
3.02.2011
last chance to lose your keys
I've been having this reoccurring feeling the past month and today i thought about letting it out. I sat in that spot where i think about it and dwell and than remind myself that i dont want to handle this now and it seems like a perfect thing for Future Jenessa to deal with.
I had my cyst removed from my ass yesturday and its going to be tested for anything cancerous. hurts like hell.
I feel at one point I had so much to say and now im getting cold feet and stage fright.
Im not who I was but i think im getting to who i want to be. all i can say is that im were im suppose to be right now. and thats the best i can do.
Im just done.
I was never any good with relationships and people. I think i know too much about people than whats good for me. i dont need to analyse because i just know.
im not going to wait for life to find me.
I had my cyst removed from my ass yesturday and its going to be tested for anything cancerous. hurts like hell.
I feel at one point I had so much to say and now im getting cold feet and stage fright.
Im not who I was but i think im getting to who i want to be. all i can say is that im were im suppose to be right now. and thats the best i can do.
Im just done.
I was never any good with relationships and people. I think i know too much about people than whats good for me. i dont need to analyse because i just know.
im not going to wait for life to find me.