Doris Day warned me about days like this.

I try very hard to put up walls. I decorate the walls, Make them look like they are transparent and beautiful, but they are still walls. A thin layer of glass...

"You never come back, not all the way. Always there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier thin as the glass of a mirror, you never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and no one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad."

And I try very hard to forget why I started building these walls, why I keep myself at a distance. But then you remind me. You creep back into my life and you remind me. SO why is it that you can chose when you want me and when you dont.

Well now im gone, and you will never get me back. I dont care how much love we shared. It meant nothing enough for you to walk away.

In one of my very first posts, I wrote about how I was terrified of being abandoned. Since then, I have removed myself so completely from that statement, that even reading it sends shivers up my spine. I dont like to be reminded of how many different ways I have failed.

I am going to be giving a motivational speech on eating disorders for this dance company I work for.
Which means; I am going to have to go back to that spot.
And it kills me, just a little bit. To even think about it.

I so badly just want to grab the most susseptable girl in there by the throat and say
I dont care what he did to you, and I dont care what he will do to you, but you will NEVER treat yourself the same way. You will NEVER distroy your life the way I did because you think its all you deserve. You will NEVER take rejection as a sign of failure, becuase you DESERVE the most beautiful things in life. People are going to hurt you, but only YOU will kill yourself. DO YOU UNDERSTAND!? You are the one in control of your destiny, dont ever think its the other way around.

So thank you, to everyone in my life, who remind me of how far I've come. How good it feels to not have you in my life. But NEVER try to convince me that I need you back. Never. Because I dont. I am happy and beautiful without you and I always will be. These walls will come down when they need to and when someone deserves that from me. But I dont see the harm in keeping them right now.

God, someone needs to save all these women.

Fuck ya'll... all ya'll

I only feel like listening to really angry gangsta music.

I have this really bad habit of typing with one finger.. Im doing it right now. I think about how I should type with all my fingers like i was taught, but no matter how hard I try... One finger.

This is a terrible analogy for the way Im feeling right now but I feel I have this bad habit of being in terrible relationships. I realized that i have had the luxury of writing whateverthefuck i want in my blog because no guy that im with ever reads it. Which is nice. Cause I like taking out all the awful shit the pull on me on all of you guys that read this and want to kill yourselves afterwards cause its just so damn sad.

I have said in almost each post I write, this is venting. this is an outlet.. and the less often i write in this blog, the better. You know i'm doing good when I dont have time to bitch.

but here I am.. visiting blogspot... because im in a fucking weird situation and I found myself crying on the bathroom floor today.


I use to be in a realtionship with a man that is 9 years older than me. I dont know what age it is but everyone has a point of no return. After a certain age you are just kinda done and nothing said or done will change you. I wasnt dating a man, I was dating a lost cause.. so in effect.. I wasnt dating anyone at all.

I use to look in the mirror at something that resembled my reflection and I thought.. who in the hell is this girl that is trying to be me and is doing such a piss poor job!?

After picking myself up today I looked in the mirror.. I finally saw myself.