... this post deserves nothing beyond the title but a simple explanation....
I need to let things go when they are done.
No amount of love will ever make someone love you back.
You need to let things go when they happen.
The only thing that is keeping me going is knowing that God has a bigger plan for me.
I cant dwell on these small things, even when they seem like mountains to me.
this blog has been a place for me to vent and vent i have done. but i dont think i have walked away with healing.
Time for healing.
I walk away, i walk away with healing.
11.27.2010
dear jenessa
this blog post is going to explain to you why you broke up with him.
i decided today that i want my future husband to give me foot massages. i give them all the time. like allll the time. my husband will give me one. not everyday. not every week, not every month. but he will give me one. and he will wash my feet. He will sing as well. sing me to sleep. sing me to wake me up. and he will go dancing. and cook. he will like art. and he will take pictures of me by important buildings and people and with my family and with him. he will not take me to the movies for any of our first 10 dates. he will never ask me for money and he will hold my hand and stay awake when im crying and sad. he will have a passion that he needs to keep up with and will always stand up for me even when im wrong.
not everyday, not every week. not every month. but he will do these things, because i do these things for people i love and this is how i know i am loved.
all i want for christmas is a recordable story book from hallmark. The book is called "i love you this much" and has been my favorite book since i was a kid. thats all i want. i want to have someone "reading" me a story everynight. so when we fight and when i think the world is over, i can go back into this dream that one day you loved me enough to record a story for me. At this point i dont give a shit who does this. but this is all i want.
im sick of feeling lonely every night. Im sick of being this monster that he has turned me into. Ive never been this person but that hasnt stopped me from being it lately.
im sick of a love/hate relationship. i deserve a love relationship. Im sick of it all because your quest to find yourself hurts me so bad. The only thing i can do is take a step back. when i cry, it will not be to you. when im happy, it will not be to you. i have to protect myself. im so sick of it all.
all. sick. it. of. im. so
more later
i decided today that i want my future husband to give me foot massages. i give them all the time. like allll the time. my husband will give me one. not everyday. not every week, not every month. but he will give me one. and he will wash my feet. He will sing as well. sing me to sleep. sing me to wake me up. and he will go dancing. and cook. he will like art. and he will take pictures of me by important buildings and people and with my family and with him. he will not take me to the movies for any of our first 10 dates. he will never ask me for money and he will hold my hand and stay awake when im crying and sad. he will have a passion that he needs to keep up with and will always stand up for me even when im wrong.
not everyday, not every week. not every month. but he will do these things, because i do these things for people i love and this is how i know i am loved.
all i want for christmas is a recordable story book from hallmark. The book is called "i love you this much" and has been my favorite book since i was a kid. thats all i want. i want to have someone "reading" me a story everynight. so when we fight and when i think the world is over, i can go back into this dream that one day you loved me enough to record a story for me. At this point i dont give a shit who does this. but this is all i want.
im sick of feeling lonely every night. Im sick of being this monster that he has turned me into. Ive never been this person but that hasnt stopped me from being it lately.
im sick of a love/hate relationship. i deserve a love relationship. Im sick of it all because your quest to find yourself hurts me so bad. The only thing i can do is take a step back. when i cry, it will not be to you. when im happy, it will not be to you. i have to protect myself. im so sick of it all.
all. sick. it. of. im. so
more later
11.21.2010
i told you so.
its done. its all over.
If there was/is any future for us...its not now.
I can still be optimistic and hope for the best... im not going to forget about it, but im also not pursuing it. Im not going to look for other guys, but im not going to close myself off either...
life is so full of choices and options.
This time i learned alot about what i need and who i am.
first off...who i am..
I am not bipolar, i am not eating disorder, i am not depression, i am not brain injury...
...and i was not ready to be over it yet. I still needed to cry about how i spent the better part of my life. I still needed things to be about me. i feel like this "relationship" was the wake up call i needed to realize thats not what my life is about. Im going to spend some more time getting over this stuff.
what i need...
someone that can be commited...someone thats ready and doing all this prep that i am.
a christian
someone who can be serious
someone that doesnt promise the future to me
someone that doesnt react in the heat of the moment
someone who doesnt make me question if i am loved or not.
I feel so much more confident in myself to be able to pick out the right person.
maybe that will end up to be kurt, but in no way is it right now.
we both need to grow up.
we talked about this all tonight and i said that idk how i love him, like in what way...and he said he feels he might love me like a sister.
obviously a totally hott sister...bahahah...but thats besides the point.
its over but i feel brand new. Im excited to live and to find the person that i dont deserve. Im ready to be the princess God has called me to be.
now i just have to figure out if i am going to go to school in australia or not.
If there was/is any future for us...its not now.
I can still be optimistic and hope for the best... im not going to forget about it, but im also not pursuing it. Im not going to look for other guys, but im not going to close myself off either...
life is so full of choices and options.
This time i learned alot about what i need and who i am.
first off...who i am..
I am not bipolar, i am not eating disorder, i am not depression, i am not brain injury...
...and i was not ready to be over it yet. I still needed to cry about how i spent the better part of my life. I still needed things to be about me. i feel like this "relationship" was the wake up call i needed to realize thats not what my life is about. Im going to spend some more time getting over this stuff.
what i need...
someone that can be commited...someone thats ready and doing all this prep that i am.
a christian
someone who can be serious
someone that doesnt promise the future to me
someone that doesnt react in the heat of the moment
someone who doesnt make me question if i am loved or not.
I feel so much more confident in myself to be able to pick out the right person.
maybe that will end up to be kurt, but in no way is it right now.
we both need to grow up.
we talked about this all tonight and i said that idk how i love him, like in what way...and he said he feels he might love me like a sister.
obviously a totally hott sister...bahahah...but thats besides the point.
its over but i feel brand new. Im excited to live and to find the person that i dont deserve. Im ready to be the princess God has called me to be.
now i just have to figure out if i am going to go to school in australia or not.
11.20.2010
dont make decisions while sober.. i mean drunk.
Drinks make you think. Or have you been thinking all along and drinks make you say it?
Pictures are just capturing a moment in time. You might look back and say how much you loved that moment, you love that picture....for what it represents...what it brings to you....and that your face was just in the perfect place when the light flashed and captured what would be forever printed down. mortalized. but we also say how much we hate pictures....this might be one of those pictures...once i sober up.
This is how i feel as on Sun Nov 21 12:18 australia time.
Im not in love. I should be treated better. this is the first i have ever had commitment issues in my life. He treats me like shit. Tell me you love me until you are blue in the face but punch me again and you will lose me. you think this is all fun and games...but its not. this is a human heart. caleb has been telling me to calm down....
oh shit,
more later
Pictures are just capturing a moment in time. You might look back and say how much you loved that moment, you love that picture....for what it represents...what it brings to you....and that your face was just in the perfect place when the light flashed and captured what would be forever printed down. mortalized. but we also say how much we hate pictures....this might be one of those pictures...once i sober up.
This is how i feel as on Sun Nov 21 12:18 australia time.
Im not in love. I should be treated better. this is the first i have ever had commitment issues in my life. He treats me like shit. Tell me you love me until you are blue in the face but punch me again and you will lose me. you think this is all fun and games...but its not. this is a human heart. caleb has been telling me to calm down....
oh shit,
more later
11.19.2010
this is one of those....ohhhh-if-only-i-would-have-waited-before-making-those-sweeping-judgements blogs.
its like the light at the end of the tunnel...except not the death light.
its like all the puzzle pieces are coming together...or else i just feel a little more optimistic on my chances of completing the puzzle.
Ive recently written about my crazy mood swings and inability to contain myself.
Its not that these have gone away...but i guess ive stopped trying so hard to be someone else.
Ive applied to Wollongong and got denied
Ive applied to Macquarie and have a pending application that looks promising
Ive almost finished my application to UNSW but have decent chances once i do
usually in my blog i say...well this is what i will do...THIS IS THE PLAN.
but "pending" seems more like the plan lately.
School - Pending
Living arangements in australia- Pending
Major- Pending
Friendships- Pending
Kurt and I- Pending
Ive realized that i have needed my life to be in some sort of linear order. but im afraid it doesnt work like that. You dont find someone, date, and either break up or get married. (well yes you do...but bare with me)....thats some sort of depressing chain of events that makes you feel like either the ball or the chain. Its like this circular pattern of finding who you are, being who you are, and refining who you are, and over and over and over. Life happens. dont try so hard for life to happen.
I talked to one of my math class friends recently about sexuality. Being that im a virgin, i have made a choice in my life. Somedays you think you made that choice because you were afraid...and then somedays you know your not afraid. I am so happy of my choice but i feel like theres way too much emphasis on this choice. Sexuality is not about the amount of sex you have...
Im going to include in here a segment from the book Sex God by Rob Bell... i absoululy love this!
“We’re severed and cut off and disconnected in a thousand ways, and we know it, we feel it, we’re aware of it every day. It’s an ache in our bones that won’t go away.
So from an early age we have this awareness of the state of disconnection we were born into, and we have a longing to reconnect.
Scholars believe that the word sex is related to the Latin word secare, which means “to sever, to amputate, or to disconnect from the whole.” This is where we get words like sect, section, dissect, bisect.
Our sexuality, then, has two dimensions. First, our sexuality is our awareness of how profoundly we’re severed and cut off and disconnected. Second, our sexuality is all of the ways we go about trying to reconnect…”
And later in the chapter…
“If we take this understanding of our natural state seriously, we have to rethink what sexuality is. For many, sexuality is simply what happens between two people involving physical pleasure. But that’s only a small percentage of what sexuality is. Our sexuality is all of the ways we strive to reconnect with our world, with each other, and with God.
A friend of mine has given his life to standing with those who have been forgotten and oppressed the most. He’s in his early thirties, he’s single, and he talks openly about his celibacy. What makes his life so powerful is that he’s a very sexual person, but he has focused his sexuality, his “energies for connection,” on a specific group of people.
Some of the most sexual people I know are celibate.
They sleep alone.
They have chosen to give themselves to lots of people, to serve and give and connect their lives with beautiful worthy causes. These friends help me understand why the Red Light District in Amsterdam is so sexually repressed. If you’ve ever walked through this part of the city, where prostitution is legal, you know that it can be a bit jarring to have the women in the windows gesturing to you, inviting you to come in and have “sex” with them.
What is so striking is how unisexual that whole section of the city is. There are lots of people “having sex” night and day, but that’s all it is. There’s no connection. That’s, actually, the only way it works. They agree to a certain fee for certain acts performed, she performs them, he pays her, and then they part ways… There’s no connection whatsoever. If she for a moment connected with him in any other way than the strictly physical, it would put her job, and therefore her financial security, in jeopardy.
And so in the Red Light District there’s lots of physical interaction and no connection. There are lots of people having lots of physical sex – for some it’s there job – and yet it’s not a very sexual place at all.
There’s even a phrase that people use with a straight face – “casual sex.” The rationale is often, “It’s just sex.”
Exactly. When it’s just sex, then that’s all it is. It leaves the person deeply unconnected.
You can have be having sex with many, and yet you’re alone. And the more sex you have, the more alone you are.
And it’s possible to be sleeping alone, and celibate, and to be very sexual. Connected with many.
its like all the puzzle pieces are coming together...or else i just feel a little more optimistic on my chances of completing the puzzle.
Ive recently written about my crazy mood swings and inability to contain myself.
Its not that these have gone away...but i guess ive stopped trying so hard to be someone else.
Ive applied to Wollongong and got denied
Ive applied to Macquarie and have a pending application that looks promising
Ive almost finished my application to UNSW but have decent chances once i do
usually in my blog i say...well this is what i will do...THIS IS THE PLAN.
but "pending" seems more like the plan lately.
School - Pending
Living arangements in australia- Pending
Major- Pending
Friendships- Pending
Kurt and I- Pending
Ive realized that i have needed my life to be in some sort of linear order. but im afraid it doesnt work like that. You dont find someone, date, and either break up or get married. (well yes you do...but bare with me)....thats some sort of depressing chain of events that makes you feel like either the ball or the chain. Its like this circular pattern of finding who you are, being who you are, and refining who you are, and over and over and over. Life happens. dont try so hard for life to happen.
I talked to one of my math class friends recently about sexuality. Being that im a virgin, i have made a choice in my life. Somedays you think you made that choice because you were afraid...and then somedays you know your not afraid. I am so happy of my choice but i feel like theres way too much emphasis on this choice. Sexuality is not about the amount of sex you have...
Im going to include in here a segment from the book Sex God by Rob Bell... i absoululy love this!
“We’re severed and cut off and disconnected in a thousand ways, and we know it, we feel it, we’re aware of it every day. It’s an ache in our bones that won’t go away.
So from an early age we have this awareness of the state of disconnection we were born into, and we have a longing to reconnect.
Scholars believe that the word sex is related to the Latin word secare, which means “to sever, to amputate, or to disconnect from the whole.” This is where we get words like sect, section, dissect, bisect.
Our sexuality, then, has two dimensions. First, our sexuality is our awareness of how profoundly we’re severed and cut off and disconnected. Second, our sexuality is all of the ways we go about trying to reconnect…”
And later in the chapter…
“If we take this understanding of our natural state seriously, we have to rethink what sexuality is. For many, sexuality is simply what happens between two people involving physical pleasure. But that’s only a small percentage of what sexuality is. Our sexuality is all of the ways we strive to reconnect with our world, with each other, and with God.
A friend of mine has given his life to standing with those who have been forgotten and oppressed the most. He’s in his early thirties, he’s single, and he talks openly about his celibacy. What makes his life so powerful is that he’s a very sexual person, but he has focused his sexuality, his “energies for connection,” on a specific group of people.
Some of the most sexual people I know are celibate.
They sleep alone.
They have chosen to give themselves to lots of people, to serve and give and connect their lives with beautiful worthy causes. These friends help me understand why the Red Light District in Amsterdam is so sexually repressed. If you’ve ever walked through this part of the city, where prostitution is legal, you know that it can be a bit jarring to have the women in the windows gesturing to you, inviting you to come in and have “sex” with them.
What is so striking is how unisexual that whole section of the city is. There are lots of people “having sex” night and day, but that’s all it is. There’s no connection. That’s, actually, the only way it works. They agree to a certain fee for certain acts performed, she performs them, he pays her, and then they part ways… There’s no connection whatsoever. If she for a moment connected with him in any other way than the strictly physical, it would put her job, and therefore her financial security, in jeopardy.
And so in the Red Light District there’s lots of physical interaction and no connection. There are lots of people having lots of physical sex – for some it’s there job – and yet it’s not a very sexual place at all.
There’s even a phrase that people use with a straight face – “casual sex.” The rationale is often, “It’s just sex.”
Exactly. When it’s just sex, then that’s all it is. It leaves the person deeply unconnected.
You can have be having sex with many, and yet you’re alone. And the more sex you have, the more alone you are.
And it’s possible to be sleeping alone, and celibate, and to be very sexual. Connected with many.
11.11.2010
no title will do this justice. because no post has ever been more confusing
okay so vent time.
Ill be as simple as i can.
love makes you do crazy things.
it makes you believe crazy things too.
it sometimes makes you feel invinsible
like nothing could stop you.
but its always today that makes your realize what can stop you.
countries can stop you. life can stop you. he can stop you.
no matter how much love i have, if he doesnt have it, its not going to work.
or maybe he does still love you, but he doesnt know what love really means.
I am someone that is unlike any girl in so many ways, but like every girl in so many ways.
You can treat me in such a way that i hate myself. you can treat me in such a way that i dont want to get out of bed, i want to show you how bad i can get. Im going to show you how bad bipolar can be.
show me love and i will blossom.
(30 min break)
wow hes trying really hard to treat me like a princess. He doesnt realize that he makes me so happy.
What am i doing.
Ill be as simple as i can.
love makes you do crazy things.
it makes you believe crazy things too.
it sometimes makes you feel invinsible
like nothing could stop you.
but its always today that makes your realize what can stop you.
countries can stop you. life can stop you. he can stop you.
no matter how much love i have, if he doesnt have it, its not going to work.
or maybe he does still love you, but he doesnt know what love really means.
I am someone that is unlike any girl in so many ways, but like every girl in so many ways.
You can treat me in such a way that i hate myself. you can treat me in such a way that i dont want to get out of bed, i want to show you how bad i can get. Im going to show you how bad bipolar can be.
show me love and i will blossom.
(30 min break)
wow hes trying really hard to treat me like a princess. He doesnt realize that he makes me so happy.
What am i doing.