Im going to change the world. I just dont know how yet.
I dont like partying. its not very fun. i only liked dancing.
I have to be the change i want to see in the world. so what is the change i want? and how do i accomplish that?
I was told the other day that im so busy but for what? for whom? why?
is it because i enjoy having my time taken? or is it a distraction?
i have so many decisions to make and if i dont have the time to make them, then its like im still deciding. I dont have to let anyone down or commit to anything. if you leave a voicemail and i listen to it but dont call back.. its like we are still in the conversation.. i dont have to end it by calling you back and settling it.
i dont want to be with any of the guys i meet at the club so why do i talk to any of them.
1.29.2011
What I know so far.
I will be busy from 7am - 9pm on Monday and Wednesday (and 12pm-1pm on Tuesday)
I will be working random dates for UPA
I will take the time I have off on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to work out, dance, write music, study, and see friends and family.
I will be taking off valentines day and either acquiring a date or hosting a anti-valentines day dinner party.
On March 9th I will be on a plane to Orlando, Florida,
On March 13th I will be on a plane to Texas
On March 20th I will be on a flight home.
My semester will end in May and I will do one of the following
- get another job for the summer (PCA, Intern in pottery studio, or Dancer)
- go to Ireland (or another country...but preferrably Ireland)
- take summer classes
In Fall I will do one of the following
- Stay at the U of M (+ Peer Support Job)
- Go to a Uni in Australia
My Fall semester ends in December and I will...
- If I stayed at the U of M i will spend christmas and new years in Australia
-If i went to Australia I will spend christmas and new years home
I will be working random dates for UPA
I will take the time I have off on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to work out, dance, write music, study, and see friends and family.
I will be taking off valentines day and either acquiring a date or hosting a anti-valentines day dinner party.
On March 9th I will be on a plane to Orlando, Florida,
On March 13th I will be on a plane to Texas
On March 20th I will be on a flight home.
My semester will end in May and I will do one of the following
- get another job for the summer (PCA, Intern in pottery studio, or Dancer)
- go to Ireland (or another country...but preferrably Ireland)
- take summer classes
In Fall I will do one of the following
- Stay at the U of M (+ Peer Support Job)
- Go to a Uni in Australia
My Fall semester ends in December and I will...
- If I stayed at the U of M i will spend christmas and new years in Australia
-If i went to Australia I will spend christmas and new years home
1.24.2011
I am the girl that takes the peanuts out of her snack mix.
im doing it right now.
Ive become that girl that is setting herself up for failure.
In a way i am settling.
Why did I buy the snack mix that had peanuts in them? Why didnt i look harder and longer for that bag? is it because i dont have the time... i didnt want to inconvienence the people around me. I didnt want to pay more or go through this method and search for the "perfect snack mix"
I hope by now youve realized this isnt about food. It never is.
instead i settled and now im stuck picking out all the things i hate. and all the things im allergic to. I look like an idiot. I know its not what i really want to im sitting here face first in a bag of mix picking and proding and pushing through things i already know i dont want.. trying to find some redeeming value so i dont feel like i wasted my money.
If i had what i really wanted, i wouldnt have even had to look when i was eating it. because i trust that when i grab a handful of whatever the hell is in there... i wont find any peanuts.
this is what i do to men. i poke and prode and sift my way through each one of them... find the core of who they are... all the things i hate... all the things ill put up with or just simply throw away. I finish it and i find another. hoping to god that maybe i would have put enough thought into actually looking at the package before i commit and buy the damn thing.
The package.
theres a couple in front of me now.
but im sure that they all have peanuts in them and i dont even care to read the package. BUT IM SO DAMN HUNGRY.
in real life terms... Im alone. and i know it. and there are options. 11 to be exact.
i know every girl out there probably wants to kill me for saying that tho,
11 guys? really? they would say... pick one! just anyone. better than no one! i got no one!
but i think its because im a tease
i make men believe that they have all these qualities that they really dont have.
I represent some sort of middle eastern tranquility mixed with passion and adventure and who doesnt want that?
but the problem is... im not the girl for them. Im an idea. they are in love with an idea.
i am this idea that you dont have to settle. that you can up and leave the country and you can live your dreams. I am this idea that nothing is as it seems and each person has the power to be who they want to be.
im going to find someone one day thats going to make me want to commit. thats going to be worth it for me. thats going to make me fall in love without losing myself and without losing balance.
i do make it impossible for any man to enter my life. but i think thats my way of sifting. you have to be so set in yourself and so confident in yourself that you cant lose yourself in me. and you have to be so charming and smooth to impress me. a gentleman. a tenderhearted confident gentleman. and you better be DAMN FUNNY! but dont lose yourself. I do not what to know that im your world. I want to know that you have a world beyond me and that makes you someone. your not just an obsessive weirdo. those are a dime a dozen.
i think this is why i date people so much older than me. because they have to have some sort of "way in this world" that theyve been making it so far and they dont need someone. I dont want someone to need me... i want them to want me. if you need me... i am nothing but a performer. if you want me i can be myself.
Ive become that girl that is setting herself up for failure.
In a way i am settling.
Why did I buy the snack mix that had peanuts in them? Why didnt i look harder and longer for that bag? is it because i dont have the time... i didnt want to inconvienence the people around me. I didnt want to pay more or go through this method and search for the "perfect snack mix"
I hope by now youve realized this isnt about food. It never is.
instead i settled and now im stuck picking out all the things i hate. and all the things im allergic to. I look like an idiot. I know its not what i really want to im sitting here face first in a bag of mix picking and proding and pushing through things i already know i dont want.. trying to find some redeeming value so i dont feel like i wasted my money.
If i had what i really wanted, i wouldnt have even had to look when i was eating it. because i trust that when i grab a handful of whatever the hell is in there... i wont find any peanuts.
this is what i do to men. i poke and prode and sift my way through each one of them... find the core of who they are... all the things i hate... all the things ill put up with or just simply throw away. I finish it and i find another. hoping to god that maybe i would have put enough thought into actually looking at the package before i commit and buy the damn thing.
The package.
theres a couple in front of me now.
but im sure that they all have peanuts in them and i dont even care to read the package. BUT IM SO DAMN HUNGRY.
in real life terms... Im alone. and i know it. and there are options. 11 to be exact.
i know every girl out there probably wants to kill me for saying that tho,
11 guys? really? they would say... pick one! just anyone. better than no one! i got no one!
but i think its because im a tease
i make men believe that they have all these qualities that they really dont have.
I represent some sort of middle eastern tranquility mixed with passion and adventure and who doesnt want that?
but the problem is... im not the girl for them. Im an idea. they are in love with an idea.
i am this idea that you dont have to settle. that you can up and leave the country and you can live your dreams. I am this idea that nothing is as it seems and each person has the power to be who they want to be.
im going to find someone one day thats going to make me want to commit. thats going to be worth it for me. thats going to make me fall in love without losing myself and without losing balance.
i do make it impossible for any man to enter my life. but i think thats my way of sifting. you have to be so set in yourself and so confident in yourself that you cant lose yourself in me. and you have to be so charming and smooth to impress me. a gentleman. a tenderhearted confident gentleman. and you better be DAMN FUNNY! but dont lose yourself. I do not what to know that im your world. I want to know that you have a world beyond me and that makes you someone. your not just an obsessive weirdo. those are a dime a dozen.
i think this is why i date people so much older than me. because they have to have some sort of "way in this world" that theyve been making it so far and they dont need someone. I dont want someone to need me... i want them to want me. if you need me... i am nothing but a performer. if you want me i can be myself.
1.21.2011
3 words that became hard to say.... "I" and "love" and "you"
Might be at the end of a very confusing stage in my life. I feel like I just went through puberty for the second time because I refused to grow up after the first. Not something I'm necessarily proud of.. but something that had to happen.
in the last week i have drank so much that i couldnt help but puke my guts out... all over some guy. exactly a week later i met a 28 year old at the club. gave him my number and we started talking. We just went out a couple nights ago for drinks and a late dinner. It was fun and funny and an experience. I talked to the man I love last night. You know... the one that makes me do crazy things cause i love him and miss him and am filling a void. yeah well he told me to stop. (im talking about God...) "just stop"
i talked to australia and his mother and they said something to the extent that im going through a confusing stage in my life. Australia asked me why i was drinking. and i had no answer.
I think its time to be done. I had this quest to be balanced and if i keep going down this road... then my balance will be gone. I know what it is to party. to club. and to have a fling. I know what it is to lie, to cheat, to steal. (in the most metaphorical sense)
so today is when i start a new thing. idk what its called yet... and i hope it doesnt have a name because they are all getting jumbled.
i had ballroom dance thing
australia thing
traveling thing
party thing
older men thing
eating disorder thing
disorder thing
artist thing
dancer thing
singing thing
i just want Jenessa. Jaici for work and school but Jenessa to all those who i love.
in the last week i have drank so much that i couldnt help but puke my guts out... all over some guy. exactly a week later i met a 28 year old at the club. gave him my number and we started talking. We just went out a couple nights ago for drinks and a late dinner. It was fun and funny and an experience. I talked to the man I love last night. You know... the one that makes me do crazy things cause i love him and miss him and am filling a void. yeah well he told me to stop. (im talking about God...) "just stop"
i talked to australia and his mother and they said something to the extent that im going through a confusing stage in my life. Australia asked me why i was drinking. and i had no answer.
I think its time to be done. I had this quest to be balanced and if i keep going down this road... then my balance will be gone. I know what it is to party. to club. and to have a fling. I know what it is to lie, to cheat, to steal. (in the most metaphorical sense)
so today is when i start a new thing. idk what its called yet... and i hope it doesnt have a name because they are all getting jumbled.
i had ballroom dance thing
australia thing
traveling thing
party thing
older men thing
eating disorder thing
disorder thing
artist thing
dancer thing
singing thing
i just want Jenessa. Jaici for work and school but Jenessa to all those who i love.
1.06.2011
its 10:00 on a thursday morning....
and im sitting in that space God gives us. The spot between total sleep and total alertness. The spot where your almost floating. and what am i thinking about?? updating my blog. pathetic!
I've been reading Elizabeth Gilbert books recently and have fallen in love.
This is my story right now. I have been having these issues with guys and its driving me crazy. I want to be single and just BE.
however the forces that be have pulled over 10 different guys in my direction and they are strangling me with this. last night was probably the first night that i hadnt been texted to sleep.. so this gave me room to think... and what did i think about??? WHY ISNT ANYONE TEXTING ME TO SLEEP!
I started this addiction to the drug called "someone" it also goes by the name of "anyone". I think i was in recovery for probably 9 days... its gotta stop.
Im not saying to be void of emotions and feelings and longings and desires... but that i never expected my best friends to fill a void in me. I asked for help and they helped... but we never made a habit of it. I help, you help. and then we get on with our lives of hanging out and having a great time. making eachother better independant people. That desire i have to be texted to sleep isnt that at all.. the desire i have to be held isnt that at all... its an addiction.
but what a wonderful thing life would be if we didnt get addicted to drugs!!! Maybe the solution to this is everything in moderation. Hold me, but not every day. because then where is our balance? Moderation.
I like to think of my situation in a really unpleasant way so just bare with me...
its like wiping with paper towels instead of toilet paper.
no one wants to do it... but its there. its really uncomfortable but it gets the job done! However, in samalian countries (i may be mistaken) they wipe with their left hand. They never need toilet paper and so they never have the uncomfort of using paper towels when they run out of toilet paper. now im not suggesting we wipe our ass with our left hand... im trying to give a parallel...
He was my toilet paper (funny i know.. but i said to bare with me) and the other ones were my paper towels. I longed for the toilet paper because it was so much nicer and kinder and it was there.. but i took too much of it and now its gone. The paper towels hurt because they remind me of how i should have been using less toilet paper to make it last. but if i wasnt so severely grossed out i could use my left hand.
make sense??? dont think to much into it..
i decided not to move to australia. there was no way that i could. im staying here to train as a ballroom dance instructor and if all goes well, ill have the job by march. its a one year commitment to that studio and then i can either stay or go to another of the 120 studios around the world or i can leave.
Something about staying and leaving. If im torn between leaving and staying... it all comes down to whos asking me to stay. He never asked me to stay with him so im leaving him. he never asked me to stay with him in australia so im leaving that thought and living here. and im in love with the idea of who he was in the beginning. nothing now. just the person i knew about 7 months ago. and i think it was that i took so much of him. He fed my addictions until he couldnt anymore and i lost myself in those addiction i didnt know i had.
time to move on.
I've been reading Elizabeth Gilbert books recently and have fallen in love.
I was suffering the easily foreseeable consequences. Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never dared to admit you wanted-an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with a hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is witheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy, and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore-- despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have 'that thing' even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is,you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess,unrecognizable even to your own eyes. So that's it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination-- the complete and merciless devaluation of self." - pg 20-21"
— Elizabeth Gilbert
This is my story right now. I have been having these issues with guys and its driving me crazy. I want to be single and just BE.
however the forces that be have pulled over 10 different guys in my direction and they are strangling me with this. last night was probably the first night that i hadnt been texted to sleep.. so this gave me room to think... and what did i think about??? WHY ISNT ANYONE TEXTING ME TO SLEEP!
I started this addiction to the drug called "someone" it also goes by the name of "anyone". I think i was in recovery for probably 9 days... its gotta stop.
Im not saying to be void of emotions and feelings and longings and desires... but that i never expected my best friends to fill a void in me. I asked for help and they helped... but we never made a habit of it. I help, you help. and then we get on with our lives of hanging out and having a great time. making eachother better independant people. That desire i have to be texted to sleep isnt that at all.. the desire i have to be held isnt that at all... its an addiction.
but what a wonderful thing life would be if we didnt get addicted to drugs!!! Maybe the solution to this is everything in moderation. Hold me, but not every day. because then where is our balance? Moderation.
I like to think of my situation in a really unpleasant way so just bare with me...
its like wiping with paper towels instead of toilet paper.
no one wants to do it... but its there. its really uncomfortable but it gets the job done! However, in samalian countries (i may be mistaken) they wipe with their left hand. They never need toilet paper and so they never have the uncomfort of using paper towels when they run out of toilet paper. now im not suggesting we wipe our ass with our left hand... im trying to give a parallel...
He was my toilet paper (funny i know.. but i said to bare with me) and the other ones were my paper towels. I longed for the toilet paper because it was so much nicer and kinder and it was there.. but i took too much of it and now its gone. The paper towels hurt because they remind me of how i should have been using less toilet paper to make it last. but if i wasnt so severely grossed out i could use my left hand.
make sense??? dont think to much into it..
i decided not to move to australia. there was no way that i could. im staying here to train as a ballroom dance instructor and if all goes well, ill have the job by march. its a one year commitment to that studio and then i can either stay or go to another of the 120 studios around the world or i can leave.
Something about staying and leaving. If im torn between leaving and staying... it all comes down to whos asking me to stay. He never asked me to stay with him so im leaving him. he never asked me to stay with him in australia so im leaving that thought and living here. and im in love with the idea of who he was in the beginning. nothing now. just the person i knew about 7 months ago. and i think it was that i took so much of him. He fed my addictions until he couldnt anymore and i lost myself in those addiction i didnt know i had.
time to move on.