i think this is what love feels like. or else its what it feels like to be a fool.
either way, i think im going to stay here for a while. it has a nice sort of aroma to it.
safety.
in a weird way.
i feel completly wreckless with you, i have no idea whats going to happen, whos going to snap, whos going to need to take care of who, i feel so unsafe...not unsafe....unsure...maybe not even unsure... maybe i feel like i belong.
with all my 'ebbing and flowing' i have a place that fits me. i have a place that moves as much as i need to. it gives me the space and it squeezes me in the same breath. its bipolar. like me.
and its not that i wont get hurt (physically or emotionally)
because i will.
without end.
but its bigger than that.
its hopeful.
its that two of us are willing to be foolish. or in love.
its that the sacrifices we are making is the direction our lives were going anyways.
i was searching for independance and the great big red start over button. and you...
you were looking for a reason. a reason to be someone. something. sometime.
so here we are... or so here i am. cause we keep forgetting this blog is about me.
not selfish. true.
and there comes a time in everyones life where they need to be true. and even a tad bit selfish.
what do you want?
not everyone else.
you.
no one forced me to go to australia. no one pushed me to the edge of my limit..and the american border.
that was me.
and i was scared to death.
but as i have said before...
i would have rather taken the risk and failed miserably
than not ever risking it at all.
this whole 'normal life' thing doesnt fit so well with me.
in school we are allowed to have different learning styles.
different ways we need to go about our education so we can all suck the marrow out of the burning skull called academics.
so why cant it be acceptable that we go about life different.
that someone does something a little different than 9-5. dinner. sleep. repeat.
someone does the "that one thing" at "that one place" while "this one time is kept in mind"
its not that im saying we need a life that is talked about at meaningless get togethers...
but im saying we should have a life worth living.
a life that we can be proud of.
so heres to us.
cheers.
oh and by the way, this morning, at the airport, broke my heart.
8.04.2010
whatchu talkin bout phyllis?
Australia.
how did we get to this point? where did we come from? where are we going?
and why the hell are we here?
simple.
i feel the need to fill you all in on what has happened thus far.
tuesday july 27th- lunch with the loved ones. airport. miss connecting flight.
wednesday july 28th- spend the whole day in long beach california. meet some pretty creepy characters, and some sweet ladies.
thursday july 29th- spent the day flying to sydney
friday july 30th- arrive in sydney at 6:00 in the morning. i cry when i land because i am so damn happy. i cant find my bags. i find my bags. i declare my allergen free food. then. the moment. where the hell is kurt. . . . . . . we catch eyes and i leave my bags and we run to eachother. biggest hug of my lifetime. he starts crying. i laugh. he punches me and then carries my bags. it takes the whole day to get over the shock. i meet Carley and Pete, Martin, Jenny, Felicity, Renay, Jake, Kyle, and all the kitties and puppies. heaven. i get introduced as kurts girlfriend. but whatelse are they going to call me? some chick that randomly came from the US that is kurts friend thats a girl that is the same age that kurt hasnt shut up about???????? yeah girlfriend will work.
saturday july 31st - aussie bbq night. we spend the day building a bridge for "noel and sons" i totally drop wood on my leg and i still have a bruise from it all. but i feel very accomplished. worked really hard.
sunday august 1st- motorcycle ride. all day long. go to sydney. eat chips on the beach. and head back. amazing day. scary day. accomplished.
monday august 2nd- kurt has work. i stay home and talk with carley pretty much all day. we make stirfry. soo good. kurt comes home from work and takes me out to meet his friends. i was so nervous but they are actually pretty sweet.
tuesday august 3rd- Hang out with kyle alllll day. Feed horses. play makebelieve for HOURS. he is a sweetheart. 7 years old. kurt works a double shift today so he can have wednesday off. i go out to eat with the gregsons and sit next to kyle. he is adorable and in love with me. i meet some friends Sandy and Utch. AMAZING people. when i get back home there is a note on my pillow that says "i love you" i nearly died.
wednesday august 4th- kurt is home from work today. i absolutly love it. he fixes up his motor bike and takes me for a ride around the farm. i took sooo many pictures of him and got some pretty good ones. he took me to university of Wollongong... i fall in love with it. so beautiful. we go out with his friends again and i start to get to know them a little better and its quite nice.
thursday august 5th - today. just woke up. quite tired still. we are off to queensland today when kurt gets off work.(about 5) im going to be doing our laundry today and packing things up for the weekend there. we will just be there for a couple days and there is great shopping there! i cannot wait!
so theres the recap of what has happened. and here is the recap of how i feel....
i feel so good. the best i have been in a long time. i havnt been stressing out about anything except having to leave. i feel this sort of connection. like that i can trust God in whats going to happen. i just feel like life is going good. i feel happy.
Australia has roped me in. its a beautiful country. the university is beautiful. the people have such a beautiful outlook on life.
kurt: he's becoming my best friend. i have never had a friendship like this before. i can tell him everything. ive been trying so hard to be critical about him and to find fault in anything but he keeps proving me wrong. i know i can trust him. we had a talk about God the other day and all my fears about him not being a beliver left. i went through my journal and went through the 'checklist' i made for what i want in a person and he met them all except he bloody smokes. so he will die first. hah.
there have been all these things that he has done that just melt my heart and theres no doubt in my mind. it does feel weird but in a good way.
the only thing that is wrong:
my family isnt here. Jay Jorge Joh Allie Kendra Mom and Dad. i need them. i know that when im home all i could think about was being here and that when im here i feel happy. but i miss them all to death. if i could call or text or anything it would be so much different. but all i have is facebook and skype. i just need to see them. i need to lay in bed with mom and tell her all the secrets about being a girl. i need to have my dad tell me what it means to be responsible. Noel is just like my dad. (sidenote) i need to wish joh a happy birthday and make sure the boys are treating her right. i need to tell jay that hes a bitch and i love the shit out of him and jorge needs a shopping partner. allie and kendra need their partner in crime. ive been longing to run around naked with them. you guys are the sunshine of my life. and i love you.
today i checked out something on my bucketlist.
i fell in love.
how did we get to this point? where did we come from? where are we going?
and why the hell are we here?
simple.
i feel the need to fill you all in on what has happened thus far.
tuesday july 27th- lunch with the loved ones. airport. miss connecting flight.
wednesday july 28th- spend the whole day in long beach california. meet some pretty creepy characters, and some sweet ladies.
thursday july 29th- spent the day flying to sydney
friday july 30th- arrive in sydney at 6:00 in the morning. i cry when i land because i am so damn happy. i cant find my bags. i find my bags. i declare my allergen free food. then. the moment. where the hell is kurt. . . . . . . we catch eyes and i leave my bags and we run to eachother. biggest hug of my lifetime. he starts crying. i laugh. he punches me and then carries my bags. it takes the whole day to get over the shock. i meet Carley and Pete, Martin, Jenny, Felicity, Renay, Jake, Kyle, and all the kitties and puppies. heaven. i get introduced as kurts girlfriend. but whatelse are they going to call me? some chick that randomly came from the US that is kurts friend thats a girl that is the same age that kurt hasnt shut up about???????? yeah girlfriend will work.
saturday july 31st - aussie bbq night. we spend the day building a bridge for "noel and sons" i totally drop wood on my leg and i still have a bruise from it all. but i feel very accomplished. worked really hard.
sunday august 1st- motorcycle ride. all day long. go to sydney. eat chips on the beach. and head back. amazing day. scary day. accomplished.
monday august 2nd- kurt has work. i stay home and talk with carley pretty much all day. we make stirfry. soo good. kurt comes home from work and takes me out to meet his friends. i was so nervous but they are actually pretty sweet.
tuesday august 3rd- Hang out with kyle alllll day. Feed horses. play makebelieve for HOURS. he is a sweetheart. 7 years old. kurt works a double shift today so he can have wednesday off. i go out to eat with the gregsons and sit next to kyle. he is adorable and in love with me. i meet some friends Sandy and Utch. AMAZING people. when i get back home there is a note on my pillow that says "i love you" i nearly died.
wednesday august 4th- kurt is home from work today. i absolutly love it. he fixes up his motor bike and takes me for a ride around the farm. i took sooo many pictures of him and got some pretty good ones. he took me to university of Wollongong... i fall in love with it. so beautiful. we go out with his friends again and i start to get to know them a little better and its quite nice.
thursday august 5th - today. just woke up. quite tired still. we are off to queensland today when kurt gets off work.(about 5) im going to be doing our laundry today and packing things up for the weekend there. we will just be there for a couple days and there is great shopping there! i cannot wait!
so theres the recap of what has happened. and here is the recap of how i feel....
i feel so good. the best i have been in a long time. i havnt been stressing out about anything except having to leave. i feel this sort of connection. like that i can trust God in whats going to happen. i just feel like life is going good. i feel happy.
Australia has roped me in. its a beautiful country. the university is beautiful. the people have such a beautiful outlook on life.
kurt: he's becoming my best friend. i have never had a friendship like this before. i can tell him everything. ive been trying so hard to be critical about him and to find fault in anything but he keeps proving me wrong. i know i can trust him. we had a talk about God the other day and all my fears about him not being a beliver left. i went through my journal and went through the 'checklist' i made for what i want in a person and he met them all except he bloody smokes. so he will die first. hah.
there have been all these things that he has done that just melt my heart and theres no doubt in my mind. it does feel weird but in a good way.
the only thing that is wrong:
my family isnt here. Jay Jorge Joh Allie Kendra Mom and Dad. i need them. i know that when im home all i could think about was being here and that when im here i feel happy. but i miss them all to death. if i could call or text or anything it would be so much different. but all i have is facebook and skype. i just need to see them. i need to lay in bed with mom and tell her all the secrets about being a girl. i need to have my dad tell me what it means to be responsible. Noel is just like my dad. (sidenote) i need to wish joh a happy birthday and make sure the boys are treating her right. i need to tell jay that hes a bitch and i love the shit out of him and jorge needs a shopping partner. allie and kendra need their partner in crime. ive been longing to run around naked with them. you guys are the sunshine of my life. and i love you.
today i checked out something on my bucketlist.
i fell in love.