untitled, but knows it can be so much more.

the countdown began today for me. the point where i cannot wait. where i so badly want to count down the hours, but im not that great at math. 2 days.

in 2 days i will get on that plane. and beyond that, i dont know much.
Things have been pretty interesting.
i got the whole birth control situation figured out and im not worried about it anymore.
i think thats been something thats been on my mind a lot.
im so glad that i havnt had sex with anyone. it makes relationships a lot easier.
you know theres no way it could be based on sex, because there is none. And for you to stay in a relationship with someone without doing anything, you must really care about them.

ive been in an interesting place with people lately. ive become quite a bit more independant and im starting to make my own judgements about people.

i smoked sooo many cigars this past week. i nearly chucked a vommie.

anyways. i just feel like, my eyes are open wider to the whole picture. the canvas. which i am painting. which the world paints. i feel like ecclesiastes is my life right now.

ive been thinking about getting a tattoo. yeah kinda reckless. thats why ive only thought about it and i havnt done it yet.
i want song of solomon 6:3 written in hebrew. It says "i am my beloveds, and my beloveds is mine. He feeds me by the lilles"
The reason i want the whole thing in there is because "he feeds me among the lillies" makes me think of the conditions i provided myself with and what he wants for me. i think that if i were to create an imagry of it, it would be something liek this.
i feed among the concrete walls.
but He feeds me among the lilies. among beauty. he provides. and i belong to him as he belongs to me.

i have no idea where i should get it. im thinking about on my shoulder blade or down my spine maybe?
i have a while to figure it out.

i think that chemistry is so huge. i never realized how much of a deal that was until lately. if you are just a walking checklist, you meet the criteria, but theres no chemistry... your SOL. But for some reason i usually fall for the guys that dont make the checklists. but i kinda like it that way. because i think if you meet my criteria you would have no personality. hah!

but faith is... strange.
it cannot be measured. i feel.
it cannot be tested. because God doesnt test our faith, he knows our faith. He breaks us down because he wants us to be stronger. no so he can test if we would be faithful.
and it cannot be measured because its always changing.
its easy for me to have faith when im driving to work. or opening the refrigerator.
but when im buying a plane ticket, its a little harder.

kurt has seemed to take an intrest in just about everyone i know. i dont mind it, i think its pretty funny actually.
i cut my hair today. i felt that when allie and i did it before it wasnt even, so i just got more off.

today is one of the days that my brain feels so scattered. im on my meds and everything is fine. im happy, but not manic. but man when hunter came to my house... i was off the walls manic. i kept running around touching everything and talking about each thing i touched. and then i played drums for him. hah!
it was great to see him again, but i wish i could have sat still and talked.

its about 2:30am and im not able to sleep at all.

ive been trying to separate myself from this all, so it wont define me. and i mean im not letting it hold me back, i do the best i cant. and sometimes i have to just feel it out and feel what i need to feel at the time. whatever extreme.
what frustrates me is when people say i dont have a problem. because i feel that they dont understand. its not that i want it, so im not upset that you say i dont have it, but its the fact that i do have it and you are ignoring the fact that i act this way for a reason.
hahah its funny to me.
my brain is getting so much better.
i remember when this was all happening. this is the progression of my bipolar...
I had my brain injury. felt crazy stupid. felt a lot of strange things.
depression. major.
doctors tell me that i might have bipolar but the depression is so bad its overshadowing my mania.
depression gets under control and signs of mania are showing up.
diagnosis of cyclothmia. (mild bipolar)
no meds makes it into full on bipolar, but with meds...im just mild and its managable.

i still have a couple more things i need to pack before i can leave. my biggest fear for this trip is that my luggage will get lost! hahah nothing else. just my luggage.

i need to buy a curling iron when im in australia. kurt said i can use his straightener, so i dont have to worry about that.

ive started becoming very close to kurt. I met him three years ago on a trip to italy and our familes became really close. We planned the trip to norway together and so i just saw them in june. but when i planned this trip, we started talking more and we are pretty close now.

i think its frustrating how i know who reads my blog. i just wish i didnt know because than i could be more real about it all. i mean im pretty crazy real now but i think i refrain some things because of different people that read this. so dont tell me you read it if you want me to be able to write freely.
write freely. is there such a thing? i feel that if i wrote what i was thinking without any guard on it, i would have pages and pages and i would have offended everyone and then 10 min later i would have to write out a new blog about how i realized my thought process was wrong.
It feels like theres so many things you have to filter. like theres all these things that im still debating in my head and they are not to the point where i could resolve it, so im not to the point where i could process it out physically (blog it).
its like theres all these "pending" files up there.
but it makes me realize that we are all so similar.
and what this blog is for me, is a picture in time of how i am feeling.right now. in the best way i can tell it.
theres pictures of me that are unflattering or my eyes are closed. and there are pictures that i love and want to frame up! thats what this blog is. its a picture in time. and its not all of me. its just a piece. and so many people will say, ohh thats terrible she said that, or i cant belive she did that, but we all do. im just the one thats writing it on a blog.
and what is the judge of some of these things? culture? God leaves quite a bit up to us. thats the whole free will piece.
everything is permissable but not everything is beneficial.
like cutting my hair. hah. theres going to be some 'pro' out there that doesnt like it but to me, its my creation, and its all of me. i cant change it at that moment in time, i gotta let it grow. but everyone has their opinion of you when you are far away from them. but when they are your best friends the opinion is so much more possitive. because they take the time to really know you.
i think im just about through.
thats good enough for me. its 3:00 in the morning. and there is a time for sleep.

redbox is what will save this economy

everything got figured out.
and i think i am in love.
bah!!!
if you heard me say that, you'd be laughing too.

no rub no love

crying.
my family says i need to start taking birth control because of this trip.
i am offended.
i am scared.
i am not okay.

i am not like that. i dont care what other people do, but this is who i am. and that is who im not.
maybe it was stupid of me to plan this trip. i obviously have different intentions than everyone else does.

i mean i get it. i just up and leave? one day? thats what it took? the only people i know there are my moms best friend and a guy thats been in love with my for 3 years? what can anyone take from that? a month? really? im staying for a month and i dont think anything is going to happen? apparently I am the one that is wrong. i am the naive one. i am the one that has her head in the clouds, when i apparently should be taking the pill. bull fucking shit.

yeah it takes two to tango, but im not even on the dance floor. and even if i wanted to be, someone broke both my legs a long time ago.

i need to take my alprazolam. im getting near panic attack. help.

harder and harder to breathe

i feel at peace.
mentally.
i feel exasted.
finacially.

UP Dress- $150
Australian outlet converter - $10
miscellanias in australia - $1,000 USD
Food for a month overseas - $200

and these are the things i havnt bought yet.

the things i have amount to over $1,500...you think i would be done.

after all of this i will not be in debt. which is nice. but i never said i wouldnt be broke.

2,860 american dollars. ugh.

its water and air after that. august 19th ill come back to pennies and a clean room.

i have a headache. ive been feeling so extremely lately. happiness, excitement, wonder.
Things i havnt felt in a long time.
the biggest thing tho, is i feel such a need. such a loss. and such a longing.
I feel so loved by God and so connected. and if its not connection, its a need for it.
i see him weaving himself back in. i love it.
i want to know more.
i want to love people the way he does. and thats a hard place to be in.
but the best thing about it...?
i dont need to know anything but Him.
everything else is in him.
but yes, i have to understand what gate to go to, what type of food i can eat, math... (hahah barely), common curtesy...but beyond that, all the hard things. He tells me he will show me.
im going to really miss kendra and allison, my family, bittner and company, and the twait family.
you guys are whats keeping me with grounded roots in minnesota.

i would have never imagined a year ago that this is where i would be.
exactly a year ago...
July 21st 2009...
I was probably working at shoreview community center, hating every minute of it.
i was in a relationship that defined me
i saw myself as ugly and not worth it
middle of eating disorder recovery
dreading my senior year
i wanted to be done
i was just going to be starting dance camp,
...where i realized i possessed beauty.
i was, for the most part, stuck.
but content.

today?
july 21st, 2010?
i am sitting at swimming lessons with gladys and eddie twait.
i love my job.
not in a relationship
not wanting one.
loving all 125 lbs of myself! (yeahhhhh i lost a little weight because of stressssss)
not able to wait for college
have the best friends i have ever had in my life
filled with optimism and joy and excitement
the world is my .... whatever the phrase is!
and im going on a trip, by myself, by my own means, for a month, to australia.
im not going to figure anything out.
im going to live
no more box
no more expectations.
just jenessa
and with a faith that i feel has never been more real.
I love who i am and who God is shaping me to be.
the only think i am lacking is more and more and more of him.

and the only concern on my mind??
getting eddie some lotion so he stops picking at his dead skin.

oh death, where is your sting?
oh life, where is your fear?

over the initial shock.

everything is settling down. i had a super manic day today, and it was honestly kind of nice. it was a nice feeling after so many anxiety filled depressed days. I finally feel at peace with what i am doing.
On this trip i will not figure it all out. i will not have some revelation of what i need to do, or who i need to be.
on this trip, i will become confident in who i am, that i can climb this mountain and say to myself...
"yeah, i have these mental illnesses, but they arent who i am. I have been told i will never make it on my own, but this is the day i prove them all wrong. i am strong. i am capable."
this isnt about finding who i need to be, but finding who i am. just a piece of me. i know i am not the timid girl i seem to be sometimes. i know there is so much inside of me that needs this adventure. I will not figure anything out, but i will become something. and things arent all going to be roses. this trip will make me grow up. i will change. and things will be hard. but thats how we grow.
i cannot believe i almost missed andrews grad party. i feel terrible. i changed my flight to july 27th to august 19th, i wouldnt miss this for the world. Andrew is my best guy friend. and i love him so much. and his family is my family. i will be there no matter what.
i know i have been putting immense pressure on myself. its my senior year, time to calm down. i need confidence so much in who i am, and its time for me to do this. i know its not natural and its very sudden, but opportunities come this way. I need to take my talents out of the ground and explore, gain knowledge, and get more talents! This trip is going to open my mind to what ive been blind to.
this is my jahari window and this is the box thats filled with things i dont know. I need to figure them out by myself.
i cannot have expectations for this next month. it will be what i make it.
im sorry to all i am leaving behind this month, please pray for me and let me go. my mom and dad, you have helped me so much and i cannot tell you how proud you should be, that you trained me well enough to accomplish something like this. thanks for beliving in me. i love you!

besides this, my life is a mess. its not that people are dying, or im losing my job, its that i am driving myself insane with all the expectations i have. i need to go somewhere its not familiar.

i know i was just on a trip a month ago and i traveled all over northern europe, that trip was shorter than this one will be. which is crazy because i felt so homesick for a while. it will be different because i will not be with my family, i will not be alone, but not with my family. I feel that i am in great need of seeing kurt. i realized that i value my friendship with him more than i thought i did. its time to start fresh. start over.

its official....im crazy.

Leaving for Australia in a week from tomorrow.
July 27th- August 6th my mom wants me to stay longer so we will see. i might just buy a one way ticket.
i have just enough money to get the plane tickets and be alright for a little while there.
Jill is having me spend the week at her house and I will help her out around the house. if i stay longer i will probably be staying at kurts house or else carley (sister).

Kurt is very surprised by this, but then again, who isnt?
i decided in less then 3 days that i will leave for a country across the world...in a weeks time.
everyone was very supportive of this, the only crap i got was from my dad about fiscal responsibility, but he said your 18 do what you will.

Don't worry, I ate a taco first.

ive never had to do this before, and now i have to think only of myself.
what do i want to do?
with no commitments and no excuses or roadblocks holding me back...what do i want?

ive been sitting on this for about half of today.
if money had nothing to do with it. which i know i have to let go of. i want to be an artist. and i want to teach people how art can heal them. this is an art therapist. duh.

i want to keep dancing and doing music, but thats not what i want my career to be.
as far as career, my dream is to sell my artwork as something that reminds people of how far they came, kind of like "spoon fed art", i want to do art and have a studio, where i will have therapy sessions.
(school wise this means, business, psych, and art)

as far as 'hobbies' i want to dance and sing.
dance goals are to be in some sort of club or recreational thing. swing dance thursdays, salsa mondays, reggae wednesdays, whatever. i have this love for modern and ballet and that would honestly be amazing. so as far as opportunities in that, i dont care that im not a prema. im jenessa.
Music goals are to finish this CD and get it out there. Write in my spare time and experience life so i can write about it. I need to experience culture and i need to practice my damn piano and guitar!

living goals: i want to be able to support myself. i want to be content with what i have as far as possessions so that i dont have to have these 'money fights' with my husband. that is the biggest cause ey.
as of right now i have no idea where i will be doing this. what country. what university. but i do know that i want to study abroad in norway.
what i also know, is something is pulling me to Oz and so i need to go there and make a decision. i know that yesterday i was very hasty, but after taking my meds and being honest with myself... i cant think about living there for a year if i cant even do it for a week. so the plan is. i will be making a trip there this august the 16th to august the 25th. so one week (it takes 2 days to get over there). i will visit the campus. i will live with jill/noel/kurt. and i will see if this is something that will be a reality. if i hate it, its not happening at all. if i love it, then i have another option to consider.
but as for now? i dont know what the right answer is. and its not going to hurt me to try. all i will be losing is 3 days of work. so 18 hours....180$. not too upset. the flight i found is $1,158.60 and will make a stop in LAX, where i have never been. so it will be good for me all around. kurts being kind of an ass hole hahahah his attention span is worse than mine. he is so confused as to what the word swagga means, that he doesnt understand how to have a normal conversation. so as for now, ill be talking to his 'mum' to figure the trip out.
i feel this is something i have to do.
how will i know if i dont go?
if it doesnt work, then i get on with college and study abroad in norway like i planned and have peace about it.
but if i never go, i will always feel that i missed out on something great.
this is when my decisions come into play. i need to learn from mistakes, so i need to make mistakes.
im still young enough that i can bounce back.

and this boy thing. its all worked out.
and i dont have to worry about a thing.
i hate the relationship pending, but i love the friendship title.
and whoever the hell you are, out there, in the black abiss of earth, ill see you one day, while im painting in my studio, and then a while later, you will propose to me with a song and dance....and a kitty.
how could i turn down a kitty?!?!?

jiggaboos and handjobs

okay so i feel like i figured out so much of my life lately.
Im going to australia. at the earliest, january. latest, may.
im starting as soon as possible there at university of sydney.
im taking either nutrition or psych with arts.
i plan on being a nutritionist or else an art therapist.

im either really serious or else i am having a manic attack.
either way, i love the odds.
i feel like its a thrill.
fuck yeah.

nick is juggling for me.
cute.

i love kids.
i would like elementry education but if i was going to teach in Oz??? they wouldnt understand me.

anyways.
IM JUST DANDY!

this whole boy situation is fine.
its whatever.

either in nutrition or art therapy i will make enough money to provide for myself.

i feel like i need to get away from america. not my family, not my friends. america.

im not doing ywam,

"this kid is either a major flirt, or else he is just kidding himself"
perfect.
love it.
So... heres the deal...
kendra i love you and you make my day what it is.
allison you are so interesting. hah! you have never doubted yourself. and i have never doubted you either.
family- you guys rock. i love you.
i never want to leave you guys, its everything else.
AJ said that your past catches up with you always.
what if i change my number and move to another country?
cool beans.
i would give my number to...
allison, bernice, danielle, LANNA (JK HAHAHAHAHA)
kendra, mark david, jan, mark
momma,pappa,joh,jorg,jay
steph
abbey
doug, katy
sara,colin
taylor

everyone else, i either have a problem with you, or i dont know you that well, or you would bring too much of my unwanted past.

so the end.. i guess?
right now i am done with it all. its sad because i already have plane tickets on hold, a place to stay, and the numbers of the train stations.
i really need to go.

okay well im pissed at the world currently so this is as far as we are going to go today!
love ya BYEEE!

i guess its time for you to hate me again

Love is based on more than just physical attraction. Sure, attraction is a factor, but love goes deeper than that. Love is based on caring, friendship, commitment and trust. When you are in love it is as if you have your best most trusted friend at your side AND you feel physically attracted to them. It is the best of both worlds! Love is a shared feeling between two people who have a vested interest in one anothers happiness. Love is not about jealousy. It is not about conflict. It is not about testing. Love is a positive feeling. If it is tainted by mistrust, jealousy, insecurity or spitefulness it is not really love but merely a pale copy.

Love is the total surrender of your heart to another person with the security of knowing they will treat it better than you will.

Love should feel good. It should not feel bad. Love should make you want to be a better person, it should not lead you to do something self destructive. Love is not demanding of your spirit but lifts it and makes it glow. Love is a good thing. Anything less is lust, deep friendship or attraction. So the sappiness aside, the question remains, how can you tell you are in love?

dont assume you understand.

Cyclothymic disorder is a mild form of bipolar disorder in which a person has mood swings from mild or moderate depression to euphoria and excitement, but stays connected to reality

Alternating episodes of hypomania and mild depression lasting for at least 2 years
Patients tend to be more irritable or dark, rather than euphoric or happy
Persistent symptoms (less than 2 symptom-free months in a row)

Cyclothymic disorder may lead to full-blown bipolar disorder in some people, or it may continue as a chronic condition.



Bipolar disorder involves periods of excitability (mania) alternating with periods of depression. The "mood swings" between mania and depression can be very abrupt.



The manic phase may last from days to months and can include the following symptoms:
Agitation or irritation
Elevated mood
Hyperactivity
Increased energy
Lack of self-control
Racing thoughts
Inflated self-esteem (delusions of grandeur, false beliefs in special abilities)
Little need for sleep
Over-involvement in activities
Poor temper control
Reckless behavior
Binge eating, drinking, and/or drug use
Impaired judgment
Sexual promiscuity
Spending sprees
Tendency to be easily distracted

These symptoms of mania are seen with bipolar disorder I. In people with bipolar disorder II, hypomanic episodes involve similar symptoms that are less intense.

The depressed phase of both types of bipolar disorder involves very serious symptoms of major depression:
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
Eating disturbances
Loss of appetite and weight loss
Overeating and weight gain
Fatigue or listlessness
Feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and/or guilt
Loss of self-esteem
Persistent sadness
Persistent thoughts of death
Sleep disturbances
Excessive sleepiness
Inability to sleep
Suicidal thoughts
Withdrawal from activities that were once enjoyed
Withdrawal from friends

There is a high risk of suicide with bipolar disorder. While in either phase, patients may abuse alcohol or other substances, which can worsen the symptoms.
Sometimes there is an overlap between the two phases. Manic and depressive symptoms may occur simultaneously or in quick succession in what is called a mixed state.

Alprazolam.

11:00 Fruity Pebbles w/ soy .....200 calories
14:30 Lucky Charms w/ soy......200 calories
19:00 Small Salad at Good Earth....250 calories
20:30-22:00 Gym
22:30 Frozen peas....150 calories
Muscle Milk....100 calories


900 calories + 1 1/2 hours at the gym= panic attack.


this is just the beginning. this is what happens when i lose control.
this is the crash. but this time was different because no one was there.

here is what it is:
(and im beginning to not care who read this so im sorry, but this blog is for me to vent on)
i dont think i am ready to date. i think i am mature enough. but i think that i might not be able to handle it. I could barely handle today. obviously. im a nervous wreck. these things get at me so hard. they just eat me up. i cant eat.
All day i thought you were not going to show up.
trust ey?
sick.
and beyond that. i see college as this cest pool of stds and horny men. my trust in men has been so shattered that i dont think i could trust someone again. it makes me sick. like physically sick. and it makes me angry. when my body is in stress mode, it acts against me. i shake. im cold. im nauseous. i get sores in my mouth. i break out all over my body. and i shut myself down. i either lose or gain weight.
so heres the options.
1. Shut everything out, get college over with
2. Risk everything i hold onto tight, get crushed, shut myself off
3. risk it, and it works out.
but i dont date for the fun of it. i date for purpose. and in dating you either break up or you get married.

so heres to putting it off for another couple months!
kewl beans!

Did you hear that....

.....i think its the sound of settling.

pissed.
going to the gym.
dont want to talk about it.
maybe i can get lost in a great tv show and get kicked out at 10.
life of a champion.

a song for the moment

i really set myself up for failure dont i?
i know these things are never going to work out. but wishful thinking? maybe.
i cant stop shaking. why do i do this to myself.
its all the hype. all the risk. fun for me when im manic. but thats the problem, im not always manic. i wonder what it was like before this thing called bipolar came. before this thing called EDNOS came. before post concussive syndrome. i wonder...
i remember there was a time i was genuinely happy. a time i was running. a time i wasnt striving. but the people in my life at the time were a total lie. if i was bringing myself down, they would do the same thing. when it was good it was great when it was bad it was hell. that makes me not want to go back.
i cant go back anyways. always the next step.
i went through my quote book the other day and i realised that i was making the wrong choice. i cant do it. i cant keep going like this. so heres the line in the sand.
heres where i say what i need and what i cant tolerate. this is where i stop settling and i become a better person. but im still not apologizing hahah.
so here is to being vague!....and getting all the skeletons out of the closet.
please dont hate me.

nintendo 64

so many things going through my head today.
i just finished orientation at UofM and it was a lot to take in.
but i guess i dont know how to say what it is.
but its just....life. i guess.
what the hell am i going to do.
music, art, and dance? like what the hell. theres no positions open for that.
i love music because ive always been good at it.
art is something that is so expressive to me and makes me so happy
dance is what changed me from who i was.

so what am i doing in college? what do i want to learn?

dance? art? music? these are things i love and i am interested in. but what kind of jobs can i get doing this?
and u of m doesnt have "expressive therapies" or "art, music, and dance therapy"
heres what im thinking. major in psych and double minor in art and dance. that way i am a art and dance therapist. and music is something that i know so much about that i would just have "a background in music"
but is that much school worth it? i have to be a psychologist. thats like 8 years? but if im doing study abroad and summer sessions and all thats about maybe 6 years??? idk

but theres so much more than that. i feel totally lost. i miss you, but you might be the worst mistake i ever make. this is a heavy choice and i need to make sure im positive about it before i jump to anything. i dont know how to say this.

why cant i own a canadian?

very tired today. stress is a common theme. i saw the movie "despicable me" yesturday in theatres. its a fricken kids animated movie and i cried. i cried and cried and cried. i loved it. obviously. but it was a little overboard. i am quite moody with eddie and gladys today. i have orientation tomorrow and i am stressed to the max. i dont want to meet new people. i am not going to college to meet people. im going there to learn and get a job. orientation is so superficial too. you talk with people that look like nice people. not people that are interested in the same things as you or have a great personality. you have no idea what their personality is. its just whether or not they have facial piercing. i would rather not. im not in a party mood. i might wear all black and cut my wrists in the corner. fun.
so pissen my shit off.... i dont want to go.
i already have a headache.
and it will be all day tuesday and wednesday until 4. and at 4:15 i need to be at behavioral therapy for gladys and eddie. and then work until 9 that night. so i dont necessarily have time to 'make friends'. i have time to do whatever the hell i need to do there, and then sleep.
i have great friends already. and they will be close enough. if i can stay best friends with kurt in australia, i can keep my best friend that will live in duluth. and my other bestie who is here with me. so here is a toast to all yal. you will still be number one. because you guys are great and no one can replace you.
today i am in an interesting mood. im getting frustrated easily. the grad party took too much out of me and orientation will do the same. i will stay out of peoples way and everything will be fine.
i do not need to have this schooling experience be like the last, where everyone was convinced that once they talked to me their problems would magically melt away. wanna know why??? because i took your damn problem on myself and i dealt with it. i cannot be that same person here. i have to start thinking about what im going to portray myself as. i already had the the quiet one, the slut, and the jesus freak. whats it going to be now?
maybe the unavailable one. that would be nice. the one that you shouldnt hit on because shes not interested. the one you shouldnt invite to parties cause shes writing music. the one you shouldnt call for sober cab, because shes already driving a drunken bastard home. the one that you dont get too close to, because shes already in a world of hurt.
hmm ill do some fine tuning later.
as for now.
i have a headache.

pissen my shit off

you are starting to get pretty damn close. and its making me nervous.
the worst feeling is when i silently cry over the phone.
the worst feeling is knowing im going to mess up your life. but then again, ive been promising myself that i wont let bipolar have a say in what i do in my life.
ive been taking my meds on and off. some days i forget. some days i just need the rush.
when i dont take my meds, i have free will in my body to feel whatever i feel at the time. not much restraint. and when im on my meds, it mutes me a little.
but a big fear...? im going to show how im really feeling and you will see me cry my eyes out about something stupid, or swear at you because you tried to help me. its going to happen. its only a matter of time.

this love dont feel right and only you can make me unreachable.

this is one of those moments.
your hands have been shaking.
your heart has been beating through your head.
this is when it starts coming out.
like a sponge.
like water.
i am a puddle.
i cannot do this anymore.
i need to take my medications.
and no its not about that.
its not some neurotic emotional burst of anger and passion and rage.shuke
its jenessa.
and who is jenessa?
im still trying to figure that out.
ive been looking at pictures.
ive been running through my memory who you are and what that would look like.
im so nervous for next year because sometimes i dont know if there is going to be a next year.
it feels like somedays i could just stop. the running. the chaos. the madness. just stop.
i could wake up one morning and the thoughts would stop circling round and round this empty space.
if i keep going the way that i am, it will ruin all my "next years"
i need to find a way to make this all stop. i need to find a way that lets me run away from it all.
cause isnt that what would be so perfect.
if i could drop this thing like ive been dropped so many times. it would be a distant memory. like a dream.
remember jenessa? when you shook so violently and dad held you so tight and begged you to stop. remember jenessa?
how about when you hit your head because you hadnt eaten in days. remember that? when you were on the fucking floor unable to move? screaming at the empty house, gasping for air trying to think of where the phone was. calling brooke and telling her you thought you were dying. having 5 people pick you up while you are thrashing your body with convulsions. that was great wasnt it? well that was highschool. and now its time to grow up. and i am scared to death.
my parents do not want to let go of me. because those 'bad dreams' of what i recall was my past, are starting to seem more real as time goes by. i ruined myself. in 6 years. i ruined myself.
how am i suppose to think that in 8 months it will all be back together. you didnt make me forget. you helped me hide it. and night is the worst. because no one is there to tell me a great story of the past of how i was there for them or had such a pretty smile, great hair. these stories dont exist. that person didnt exist back then.
im trying the damn hardest i can.
just let me cry. please.

dont use limewire on campus computers

ive been thinking a lot about going to australia next summer to visit my second family. hah. jill is honestly a mother to me. and noel is a saint. i dont know yet how long and what kind of visa i will get but im thinking a month with non working visa. if i go longer than a month i would definitly get a working visa. but its a vacation...why would i work? hahah but i havnt figured it all out. i reckon that with my jobs ill have about 5,000 comfortably saved by then.
watching animal planet.
today is cooking day for my grad party. allison and kendra should be coming over and tanning. while i cook.
i feel like really confused about all this guy drama thats going on. im just kinda over it.
ive been a bitch about writing on here. i just have been feeling like i have so much to say but its too much to write down. and so many expectations of the people reading.
but since when have i cared right?
right?
idk maybe.
hahah
i need to go cook.
and think.
while i listen to johnny cash.

ode to the wallflowers

break out of your shell. it feels heaps fabulous.
I'll write again in the arvo. dont you worry you're pretty little apples!

sorry ms jackson....oooooo... i am for realll. never meant to make your daughter cry, i apologize a trillion times.

beach today. getting my tan on. makes me uncomfortable being in my swimsuit like that but its heaps stupid. im going to be with kendra and allie anyways.
In a great mood this morning. slept long.
no work until friday for me. lots of cleaning. lots of cooking. lots of getting ready.
beach today
cleaning wednesday
buying and cooking food thursday
working friday
pick up the cake saturday morning and party saturday night
nice life. niceeeee life.
im really not in the mood to prolong this blog post. having a hard time with my weight. kinda scared. but beyond that, i feel like life is getting in order.

POP pop down my throut, the happy pills, the silly goats, they spin so fast you never can tell the directioin is bringing you straight to hell

happy 4th!
just got off work at red robin.
i cried.
today was my last day after taking a leave for 3 months.
it was busier than jews in hell today.
i was the only one working the front.. where we usually have 5 people. and we were on a 20 min wait for a table of 2. sooo thats restraunt talk for, wtf is going on here.

in the midst of the craziness today, i had this family come in and they were just like any other family, but they look at me and say, you know what jen? you are the pretties girl i have ever seen.

yeah dont worry i said thanks and i cried. it meant so much to me today.

and then after our 2 hour lunch rush, one of the servers (sarah) came up to me and just looked at me with all this wonderment in her eyes and said, " you were phenomonal today."
the owner of the resturant was there as well supervising and he was sure to tell me what a great job i was doing as well.

and honestly i took those compliments so hard.
like i was not like....oh..um...well...i mean...
i was like ...YOU FUNNY CUNT!!! THANK YOU!!!!!

i just feel like today i did a damn good job.

kendra, pete, allie, taylor, and mark david are coming to the cabin with me tonight and spending the fourth with me. my legs feel like jelly!

i ended up eating popcorn last night at about 20:30 so im sure my cals got up to 1000
today, however, i just had a fri fill at work. at 16;00
bah! thats it. it was probably 300 calssss so i should probably eat something else today...

zits on my sistas ass. rubbin my tities like yeah...

im home alone one day and i already cant take care of myself.
food for today
cocoa pebbles and soy milk 10:00
tortilla chips and grapes 15:00
100 cal muscle milk chocolatey drink. 20:30

so thats like 600 cal
cool jen cool

im over it

popular culture you can suck a fart out of my ass.

how long does cocaine last in your system?

i just want to point out one very strong fact about this blog. it is not called, "warm and fuzzy things that people want to hear" or "compliments to people who screw me over" and theres not a comment button for a reason. if you have a problem with my blog you come to me. comments are non personal. if you want to read a blog that isnt dripping with sarcasm... i think theres a button on the top that brings you to another blog.
i am using this blog to vent. i am using it to keep me sane. i write about whatever comes to mind. and you can call me rude, but im just being real.
if you are sensitive to how i feel about you, than i wouldnt read this.
in general, i love people. but if you dont know me or talk to me on a regular basis...than this blog wont tell you shit about me.
sewwwww if this hasnt weeded out any readers... i dont know what will.
and im fine if no one read this... its not for anyone else but myself. but the people that read it and like it, im glad i can help out.

ill keep this one short and sweet.
libby- you are a sweetheart
Ellie- you really are so much better than what you give yourself credit for.
kendra- you are a saint. no joke. you have done so much in my life and i dont think i could ever repay you
Bittner- your so funny. and i love you. penis.
Allison- you balance me out.
taylor- you are so pretty. work things out with sam.
sam- i wish i could see you more.
Aj- your a bitch. jk. your cool beans. and i trust you.
joh- you can be so chill. thanks for that.
addy- you brighten my life!
jay- you are my favorite in this entire world. i would totally die for you. no hesitation. your the funniest person i know.
tyler- im not into you, your a great guy but im just not into you.
hunter- im glad we are friends, i just am busy a lot of the time its really not an insult to you.
kurt- im glad you love me, and you are a great friend to me, have fun in australia. hah find a nice girl that doesnt do the same things you do. hahaha
a-train- i know you only hit on me when kara doesnt give you attention. but your still a cool kid.
caleb - im glad we are going to u of m together. dont be creepy tho.


hahah okay so now that i told you how i really feel about you... we can get on with the purpose of this blog. me venting. and you living your own life.

keep your menstrual blood on your side of the room

at work.
this photo album cant last forever. right?
glady is showing me pictures. she brings the same photo album everywhere we go. i have seen these pictures numerous times. i love her to death, but i think death is a good way to describe today.
Lets start with yesterday. Didnt blog because i was paaaaa-issed.
pissed in the sense of...tired and didnt want to do shit.
jay jay was in a lot of pain and it hurt me to see him like that. mark david and his girlfriend broke up and that broke my heart too. but allie and david are back together and kendra and pete are just swell. i feel like things are coming together. and i kinda find it boring. not that i live off drama, but ive been in stress mode since god knows when, and now that my biggest worries are keeping eddie and gladys happy and cleaning for my grad party... i just need something in my life. and i know what im going to do.
my schedule as of now is...
Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Friday = Eddie and Gladys 3-9
butttttt.....
Im going to start with Mary soon about teaching pottery.
im on a leave at red robin.
im recording with andrew when i can.
my life is starting to get to the point where organization can happen.
i feel that things constantly run through my head. not important thoughts, but schedules.
i write lists, endlessly.
everywhere.
the same thing.
its part of my injury. but it doesnt stop moving through my head. not until i have no work. no plans. nothing. but that doesnt happen. so im sorry when i forget about you...because i forget about everything.
my family has been increasingly more pissed off at me, and i could care less. i love them.
but.
there are a lot of them. and each has demands. and im the smallest one.
last night i went out with the girls and after kidnapping me and bringing me to market fest we went out and got some kettle corn and cigars. yum. each time i have smoked, i have gotten sick and thrown up. no exception this time either. i took a big drag and started crying bent over and choked. took a couple more drags. smart. i felt like trash. throwing up is such a trashy thing. i always say to myself that im not going to throw up in public. thats what i do out with the door locked and the water on. i cant let anyone in on my little secret. ive been feeling sick most of today. not food sick. but stomach sick. not the kind of sickness that food makes me queazy, but the kind of sickness that i make myself queazy.
I keep telling my stomach... i dont have time for this today, lets eat tomorrow. but this isnt going to make me happy. its not making me happy.
im not happy.
i want to go for a long run around a new park that doesnt bring me back to snail lake. i know you read my blog. but dont you think thats a little unfair to me? dont you think that since you refuse to talk to me, you shouldnt be able to see how i feel? but since when have you cared about what is fare and what isnt. and since when have i gotten the long end of the straw?? so here i go mr. potatoe head... you are a coward. And that is how i feel. and honestly, i say that out of immense love. You will never own up to anything if you dont own up to one small thing. you stand for nothing. you believe in anything that will get you out of whatever it is at that moment. you are fake. you are pathetic. im doing great. thanks for asking.
oh and by the way... the one song that ive written that i will never record, is the one i wrote for you.

wow anyways... today ive been working since noon. i feel like ive learned so many things in this past week and currently i am soaked in bitterness. I have had one man breathing down my throat. I have another believing that I am in love with him. I have a sick brother. an unresponsive grandmother. a wild banshee of a family. a handful of people i talk to and i cant even be there for them because i have a million nondescript things running through my head.

heres what i can scramble together.
i like to forget im going to college next year. i havnt taken any of my tests. orientation is on july 13th. ill be there?
school seems like something that will consume me. it will be fine. ill love it. ill eat it all up and throw it all back.
this summer is a blur. i dont know what i can do for any of you guys. my past relationship feels like it stole all my sense of reality from me. i feel so removed. everything was going great and then one day it all stopped. and i look back and think that it was the strangest part of my life. i dont remember half of it. i dont remember half of anything. but all i remember is who you all are now. not who you were. thats to far back. and it trips me up. i cant think of how youve changed or out fall outs or relapses. this last year has been strictly me. and even i dont like thinking about who i was. i know who i am at this moment in time and thats it. and what the hell is all this talk about relationships. as of today i feel so removed from everyone. even you. so today would be one of the days i dont love you. today would be one of the days i dont know you anymore. try back tomorrow maybe.
i feel that today since im not eating. since i took that route today. im going to be hazzie. im going to be in a fog. my hands are going to shake. and im going to try to run and colapse. these are the days that i feel i wont get out of it. today i feel nothing. today i feel mental illness.i feel there is this total other universe that im suppose to be apart of but people keep walking by. some try to poke me with no response. and here i am. not there. i feel as tho the only words i understand would be more in the form on regina spektor music. theres all this shit happening and why the hell am i afraid of black people? how does that make sense? and why do i hate spending time with my grandmother? why cant i think of the words to tell you? why dont my friends take me away to chicago forever? why the hell does any guy want to be with me? and why the hell does some guys contact me relentlessly, while others only once in a while and in their eyes its my boobs on a silver platter. why cant there be someone that is my best friend? someone that doesnt give a shit about my body. like does not have an opinion at all. i dont want you to think that im the most beautiful girl youve ever met. and i dont want you to think i could drop a couple pounds. just dont have an opinion and never talk to me about the human body. it grosses me out. it makes me want to cry. it doesnt have to make sense. oh and this ideal guy wouldnt make things so damn complicated. i dont need a women. if i did i would be lesbian and have that all worked out. but heres the deal. know what the hell you want and be a damn man. im so sick of cowards. and by the way my parents will probably hate you. they seem to hate anyone i bring to the house with a dick between his legs. because they dont trust you at all. but they will. so dont screw them over. they have done the world for me and thats why they dont like you. because in the past 'you' have been the one thats taken the whole world from under my feet. i wouldnt bring this up if it wasnt such an issue. damn it.
dont worry. you wouldnt understand.