“What’s got you all wadded up?” he drawls, toothpick in mouth, as usual.
“Don’t ask” I say, but then I start talking and tell him every bit of it, concluding with, “And worst of all, I can’t stop obsessing over David. I thought I was over him, but it’s all coming up again.”
He says, “Give it another six months, you’ll feel better.”
“I’ve already given it twelve months, Richard.”
“Then give it six more. Just keep throwin’ six months at it till it goes away. Stuff like this takes time.”
I exhale hotly though my nose, bull-like.
“Groceries,” Richard says, “listen to me. Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it – in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it. Let things work themselves out here in India.”
“But I really loved him.”
“Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don’t you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching. I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that’s just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That’s just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, Groceries – you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It’s your destiny. Don’t laugh.”
“I’m not laughing.” I was actually crying. “And please don’t laugh at me now, but I think the reason it’s so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate.”
“He probably was. Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over, Groceries. David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of your marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that his relationship had a real short shelf life. You’re like a dog at the dump, baby – you’re just lickin’ at the empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.”
“But I love him.”
“So love him.”
“But I miss him.”
“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll be really alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.”
“But I wish me and David could —“
He cuts me off. “See, now that’s your problem. You’re wishin’ too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be.”
12.25.2010
Its not about the croutons.
You have had every moment of every day to win me back, but each opportunity you miss shows how easily you are willing to give me up. Im over it, im not waiting. But one day I will look back and say I loved with all I knew how, and I just wish for you that you will be able to say the same. But love is never wrong... only misguided.
There is someone out there that i could have been loving with all my heart, they way that i loved you.
its just misguided.
Now everyone let me be alone. I have to start looking for myself again...just to find that i wasnt wrong in what i did. Just misguided.
There is someone out there that i could have been loving with all my heart, they way that i loved you.
its just misguided.
Now everyone let me be alone. I have to start looking for myself again...just to find that i wasnt wrong in what i did. Just misguided.
I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time – everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain. I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.Eat Pray Love - Elizabeth Gilbert
12.19.2010
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgtHvBF4t-E
watch this.
"Just start dancing, and the band will find you"
I have been terrified that i am not any good. That this brain injury has taken my life. But i will not belive it anymore. I know that i have been told a lot in the past couple months that my emotions are too much, that Im a little too extreme, that i need to grow up. This may be true. but there comes a time when i seperate the things that i can change, with the things i cant.
Before i had this brain injury, i was calm, sweet, patient, i had this drive to be different. To be the change i wanted to see in the world. I still am this way, but i can no longer do certain things that i always felt defined me. I never wanted to be treated differently because of what happened, but i realized i wasnt being fare to myself. To deny this happened would be to deny a piece of myself. This happened. I was in and out of hospitals for years. I could not run for years, i could not read for years, i could not...for years. But the thing is... i ran away from it all. It tore me up inside everyday to watch people interacting and living this normal teenage life, when i was trapped in this world i didnt want to be a part of. I just kept asking myself, why?
Why cant i read, why cant i talk normal, why cant i understand what people are saying to me. Its like everything that defined me. I have always been there for everyone. denying myself. so that i could be there for people. and people latched on to me like crazy. but all of a sudden jen doesnt know, jen doesnt have the answer, jen doesnt. and i kept hearing all these voices saying that i dont. so i started telling myself "i did". I have the potential to be wonderful, and im the only one that is standing in the way.
recently i have been reminded almost everyday that i have a short temper, that i have extreme emotions. And it kills me because i know this comes with what happened to me years ago. I know that im like a computer now and you keep clicking these links but its too much. i shut down. and its no ones fault. But it sucks. im getting to the point where i dont know what to tell you anymore. I had a brain injury and yes i will blame these things on my brain injury because its not my fault. I was never like this when i didnt have my brain injury, but if i can take things day by day...you can too. and if you cannot give me the patience i require... i cannot give you the person you require.
i know that i am beautiful and worthy of love even after a brain injury. and just because you feel differently, like you could never love me unless i became more logical or intelligent, doesnt mean i dont matter. doesnt mean i dont deserve love. My life is better because of this, and i will not forget that. I will stand by this truth with all i have. I will not hate myself because i can no longer be what you want.
"Just start dancing, and the band will find you"
I have been terrified that i am not any good. That this brain injury has taken my life. But i will not belive it anymore. I know that i have been told a lot in the past couple months that my emotions are too much, that Im a little too extreme, that i need to grow up. This may be true. but there comes a time when i seperate the things that i can change, with the things i cant.
Before i had this brain injury, i was calm, sweet, patient, i had this drive to be different. To be the change i wanted to see in the world. I still am this way, but i can no longer do certain things that i always felt defined me. I never wanted to be treated differently because of what happened, but i realized i wasnt being fare to myself. To deny this happened would be to deny a piece of myself. This happened. I was in and out of hospitals for years. I could not run for years, i could not read for years, i could not...for years. But the thing is... i ran away from it all. It tore me up inside everyday to watch people interacting and living this normal teenage life, when i was trapped in this world i didnt want to be a part of. I just kept asking myself, why?
Why cant i read, why cant i talk normal, why cant i understand what people are saying to me. Its like everything that defined me. I have always been there for everyone. denying myself. so that i could be there for people. and people latched on to me like crazy. but all of a sudden jen doesnt know, jen doesnt have the answer, jen doesnt. and i kept hearing all these voices saying that i dont. so i started telling myself "i did". I have the potential to be wonderful, and im the only one that is standing in the way.
recently i have been reminded almost everyday that i have a short temper, that i have extreme emotions. And it kills me because i know this comes with what happened to me years ago. I know that im like a computer now and you keep clicking these links but its too much. i shut down. and its no ones fault. But it sucks. im getting to the point where i dont know what to tell you anymore. I had a brain injury and yes i will blame these things on my brain injury because its not my fault. I was never like this when i didnt have my brain injury, but if i can take things day by day...you can too. and if you cannot give me the patience i require... i cannot give you the person you require.
i know that i am beautiful and worthy of love even after a brain injury. and just because you feel differently, like you could never love me unless i became more logical or intelligent, doesnt mean i dont matter. doesnt mean i dont deserve love. My life is better because of this, and i will not forget that. I will stand by this truth with all i have. I will not hate myself because i can no longer be what you want.
12.18.2010
12.17.2010
Mental Health
Love is so hard. But I think thats what makes it so wonderful. If love was easy and painless, it would mean nothing. But the fact that its hard make it only worth it for a couple people in your life. So to love and to be loved is the greatest gift of all.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
We all seem to cope different. But sometimes that seems to be what keeps us all connected. We are all just trying to get by. We are all just trying to love and be loved. And the same little wounds seem to never mend. We hold on even after we let go. But we cope. In good ways, in dangerous ways. And we hold on...even after we let go.
My mental health:
I have been labeled crazy by many people....especially lately.
but i guess i would never ask you to get a brain injury.
I would never ask you to hate yourself, starve yourself, and hurt yourself.
Im not living in my past. If i was, i would be 90 lbs brain dead and be totally insistent that i look good with blonde hair.
I am so damn proud of myself for how far i have come. I have lost friends, i have gained friends. But if you want to be the one that loses me... so be it. I dont need people in my life that bring me down.
I am totally capable of having an amazing life without you. I am the person i am because of idiots like you abandoning me.
I think the only way someone would understand me is if they had the compacity to be compassionate.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
We all seem to cope different. But sometimes that seems to be what keeps us all connected. We are all just trying to get by. We are all just trying to love and be loved. And the same little wounds seem to never mend. We hold on even after we let go. But we cope. In good ways, in dangerous ways. And we hold on...even after we let go.
My mental health:
I have been labeled crazy by many people....especially lately.
but i guess i would never ask you to get a brain injury.
I would never ask you to hate yourself, starve yourself, and hurt yourself.
Im not living in my past. If i was, i would be 90 lbs brain dead and be totally insistent that i look good with blonde hair.
I am so damn proud of myself for how far i have come. I have lost friends, i have gained friends. But if you want to be the one that loses me... so be it. I dont need people in my life that bring me down.
I am totally capable of having an amazing life without you. I am the person i am because of idiots like you abandoning me.
I think the only way someone would understand me is if they had the compacity to be compassionate.
12.15.2010
i love the lyrics and then i hear the song and im like...what were they thinking?
okay so im over it. In so many ways im so angry with you. in so many ways i dont care at all anymore. and in a couple ways i feel bad for you.
butttt pity is a poor substitute for love. all day you have been talking about having sex with other girls and it just makes me realize im better off. I would love to sit and dwell on it and cry my buttox off but really... none of this is my fault.
I need to decide what im going to do. I want to go to australia and study so badly but 6 months is far away. and what is necessarily drawing me to australia?? and i could go wherever i wanted to. i think its cause its my moms best friend and i know i will always have a place there. but social norms are creepin in even tho i try so hard to shut them up.
I have a math final that i will fail in approx 10 hours.
i love gift receipting things.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS THOSE BOOKS FROM HALLMARK THAT YOU CAN RECORD YOUR VOICE READING THEM. EVERYONE WHO READS MY BLOG BETTER GET ME ONE! I seriously will start collecting these books. i want to be able to have everyone reading me a story before i go to bed. this is a new goal of mine.
Okay now onto a serious note.
my life has seemed to be turned upside down. everything i knew i was, i dont know anymore. I have been reminded over and over to forget my past and to move on, but is that really what i need to be doing? Everyone says i am so strong, but am i really?
I think i am. I think that in the face of hardship, i have spit.
but who can measure this success? Some people think i have not changed. some people think my change is not for the better. so who do i believe? the people who claim they know me.. or the person running my own life.
im ready to do some soul searching. and im ready to grow.
Im ready to take responsibility for the things that i have mistaken and stand up for the things i have not.
Now that i know the truth...the rest all turns to lies.
i feel that pain and heartache is so essential because it makes us know what the truth of the situation really is.
So many girls sit and dwell on this and dwell on that....
When i was in australia. a guy said to me, "no offence, but girls are stupid. You trample all over them, use them, and then tell them something cute and they will take you back in a second. Im sorry but they are all so damn stupid"
and i thought long and hard about what he said...and i told myself that i will never be that girl. I will never be that damn stupid. If someone wants something bad enough, they will get it. I will not chase after someone, because i know my potential to love, i know i can move mountains with the love that i have, but i want to know if you can do that. Can you risk it? Can you pursue me because i am worth it? Can you see past the commercial value into the core of who i am?
I recently told someone that she should not settle for anything less than an island. This man has hurt her over and over and now he is asking for her back and i told her...if he wants you he can get you. So let him buy you an island.
We have been joking back and forth about what is considered "island-esque" but i believe its true. what happened to chivelry? today was the first time a guy opened the door for me in ages. its a damn door. i open them all the time. its not an island. but if you cant even do simple things to show me that you are a respectable person... then why should i trust you with my love? it just doesnt make sense.
butttt pity is a poor substitute for love. all day you have been talking about having sex with other girls and it just makes me realize im better off. I would love to sit and dwell on it and cry my buttox off but really... none of this is my fault.
I need to decide what im going to do. I want to go to australia and study so badly but 6 months is far away. and what is necessarily drawing me to australia?? and i could go wherever i wanted to. i think its cause its my moms best friend and i know i will always have a place there. but social norms are creepin in even tho i try so hard to shut them up.
I have a math final that i will fail in approx 10 hours.
i love gift receipting things.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS THOSE BOOKS FROM HALLMARK THAT YOU CAN RECORD YOUR VOICE READING THEM. EVERYONE WHO READS MY BLOG BETTER GET ME ONE! I seriously will start collecting these books. i want to be able to have everyone reading me a story before i go to bed. this is a new goal of mine.
Okay now onto a serious note.
my life has seemed to be turned upside down. everything i knew i was, i dont know anymore. I have been reminded over and over to forget my past and to move on, but is that really what i need to be doing? Everyone says i am so strong, but am i really?
I think i am. I think that in the face of hardship, i have spit.
but who can measure this success? Some people think i have not changed. some people think my change is not for the better. so who do i believe? the people who claim they know me.. or the person running my own life.
im ready to do some soul searching. and im ready to grow.
Im ready to take responsibility for the things that i have mistaken and stand up for the things i have not.
Now that i know the truth...the rest all turns to lies.
i feel that pain and heartache is so essential because it makes us know what the truth of the situation really is.
So many girls sit and dwell on this and dwell on that....
When i was in australia. a guy said to me, "no offence, but girls are stupid. You trample all over them, use them, and then tell them something cute and they will take you back in a second. Im sorry but they are all so damn stupid"
and i thought long and hard about what he said...and i told myself that i will never be that girl. I will never be that damn stupid. If someone wants something bad enough, they will get it. I will not chase after someone, because i know my potential to love, i know i can move mountains with the love that i have, but i want to know if you can do that. Can you risk it? Can you pursue me because i am worth it? Can you see past the commercial value into the core of who i am?
I recently told someone that she should not settle for anything less than an island. This man has hurt her over and over and now he is asking for her back and i told her...if he wants you he can get you. So let him buy you an island.
We have been joking back and forth about what is considered "island-esque" but i believe its true. what happened to chivelry? today was the first time a guy opened the door for me in ages. its a damn door. i open them all the time. its not an island. but if you cant even do simple things to show me that you are a respectable person... then why should i trust you with my love? it just doesnt make sense.
12.14.2010
this is the moment that you know, that you told her that you love her but you dont.
what a bitch.
Okay so ill let you all know whats going on.
i have been hearing from guy A,B,C,D,and E.
but i have been waiting to hear from guy G.
I love guy G.
I sacraficed a lot for guy G.
but out of all the guys, guy G treats me like shit.
I knew there was something that was keeping me holding on to you... but i realized that you made me hold on to you.
You have been here and are leaving in 2 days and on the last day you are going to tell me that you just see me as a sister or maybe a friend. but nothing more. but you dont want to tell me until then because you dont want things to be "awkward" while you are here... so you wait until you are about to leave to break my heart and to let my family pick up the pieces. Well there wont be any pieces because you are the only piece of shit i see. Why couldnt you just tell me. why do you have to treat me like im not a human?
well we all know that you will never do any better.. i can do much better. i already know that guy B is wayyyyy better than you.
i am over it.
Im going to school in australia in July and you will get to cry all you want when im over there. but i wont hear one tear hit the floor. because you had your chance and you blew it. now you get to watch me be happy.
break my heart once shame on you break my heart twice shame on me.
Its not going to happen again. I hope you'll be happy alone because i dont know of anyone who treats a friend like this.
we arent friends.
Okay so ill let you all know whats going on.
i have been hearing from guy A,B,C,D,and E.
but i have been waiting to hear from guy G.
I love guy G.
I sacraficed a lot for guy G.
but out of all the guys, guy G treats me like shit.
I knew there was something that was keeping me holding on to you... but i realized that you made me hold on to you.
You have been here and are leaving in 2 days and on the last day you are going to tell me that you just see me as a sister or maybe a friend. but nothing more. but you dont want to tell me until then because you dont want things to be "awkward" while you are here... so you wait until you are about to leave to break my heart and to let my family pick up the pieces. Well there wont be any pieces because you are the only piece of shit i see. Why couldnt you just tell me. why do you have to treat me like im not a human?
well we all know that you will never do any better.. i can do much better. i already know that guy B is wayyyyy better than you.
i am over it.
Im going to school in australia in July and you will get to cry all you want when im over there. but i wont hear one tear hit the floor. because you had your chance and you blew it. now you get to watch me be happy.
break my heart once shame on you break my heart twice shame on me.
Its not going to happen again. I hope you'll be happy alone because i dont know of anyone who treats a friend like this.
we arent friends.