I dont know what else i can do. I guess fears are fears no matter how irrational.
well since you dont read this blog, ill just let it all out. because i guess if you did read it i would be a bit tamer?? idk. it doesnt matter.
how can you be so afraid of commitment when you have nothing to be afraid of? do i have a sign on my forehead that says ill turn into a monster after you decide you want to be with me? i havnt seen it.
just fuck it cause ive done all i can and i feel like i couldnt be loved any less.
thanks.
surgery tomorrow.
i hope you wake up.
10.31.2010
10.25.2010
food for thought....or thoughts on food.
Why dont you want to know?
anyways.
ive been having weird second thoughts. but i dont know what i am holding onto back here. ive been having flashbacks and nightmares of my past. and my past catching up to my future. I see ex boyfriends in my dreams asking me if im happy. if that doesnt creep a person out....
Ive been praying out loud. Why am I going to Australia?
the plan has been that i will be leaving mid january and staying there until November. 11 months. my family will come visit me in the summer sometime.
my weight has dropped. im at 120lbs now. which isnt bad. certainly isnt cardiac arrest bad. but its lower than it was. which gives me reason to be concerned.
i havnt been taking my medication and im seeing it play out. ive been having outbursts and this is helping since kurt is living with us right now.
i hate thinking about my ex boyfriends. all of them.
ive been having a hard time with friends. im losing alot.
i feel that i have no close friends because im going to be leavng in a couple months and all my time now is split between work and school.
im working so that i can buy a car in australia.
im sacrificing alot. and i can feel it.
the fact that i cant see myself staying in minnesota next year is what scares me the most. theres something pulling me to australia.
i feel like i need to be there. thats where my life is. but i feel so scared and uncertain. like im missing something here.
why wont you read this. why wont you just understand.
and another thing
feminism
ugh
why is it okay for men to act like children and to not take any responsibility?
i love my situation. i hate my situation. i loathe every bit of it but i cant live without it. i think i need to pray some more.
anyways.
ive been having weird second thoughts. but i dont know what i am holding onto back here. ive been having flashbacks and nightmares of my past. and my past catching up to my future. I see ex boyfriends in my dreams asking me if im happy. if that doesnt creep a person out....
Ive been praying out loud. Why am I going to Australia?
the plan has been that i will be leaving mid january and staying there until November. 11 months. my family will come visit me in the summer sometime.
my weight has dropped. im at 120lbs now. which isnt bad. certainly isnt cardiac arrest bad. but its lower than it was. which gives me reason to be concerned.
i havnt been taking my medication and im seeing it play out. ive been having outbursts and this is helping since kurt is living with us right now.
i hate thinking about my ex boyfriends. all of them.
ive been having a hard time with friends. im losing alot.
i feel that i have no close friends because im going to be leavng in a couple months and all my time now is split between work and school.
im working so that i can buy a car in australia.
im sacrificing alot. and i can feel it.
the fact that i cant see myself staying in minnesota next year is what scares me the most. theres something pulling me to australia.
i feel like i need to be there. thats where my life is. but i feel so scared and uncertain. like im missing something here.
why wont you read this. why wont you just understand.
and another thing
feminism
ugh
why is it okay for men to act like children and to not take any responsibility?
i love my situation. i hate my situation. i loathe every bit of it but i cant live without it. i think i need to pray some more.