it has been a long time since i last wrote on here. Alot has happened. Im really not much interested in filling you in on everything. not because i dont want you to know, but because i dont want to talk about it. It just makes me tired thinking about it!
Today is my 18th birthday and i am so greatful!
I have the greatest friends in the world! KENDRA!!! BITTNER!!! you guys are the best and jayjay you are sooooo sweet!
My mom put me to bed last night. She came in my room and layed down next to me and told me all these stories about when i was a baby. She was so kind and gentle. I want to be a momma like her. And while she layed in bed with me and talked me up, Kendra and Jay were outside painting my car! I woke up in the morning and went out to the car to see "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" written alllll over! It was so sweet. and I go to school and she gave me flowers! Bittner than found me at school and gave me a present from tessa and gilly (his little puppies!) hah it was cute. a picture of gilly and tessa.
I love those people, they are the ones that love me for exactly who i am. I know im going to get married to a guy thats exactly like bittner. And bittner and kendra are going to be my friends for a long time. Yes people change, but the 3 of us seem to change into eachother.
Yesturday was my chapel. It started with Mrs.Bisping with an intro into her life and into the topic of suffering. I was up next and i talked about being sexually abused and having post concussive syndrome and eating disorders. I talked a little about my bipolar.
IN YOUR DEEPEST PAIN SAY 'GOD IS ENOUGH'
WE DO NOT LIVE BY DEAD ENDS BUT OPEN DOORS!
This was the last thing i said. This still rings in my ears.
I sang the song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller
Carl then talked about his pain and his life going through deeep depression. He played a video he made. It was AMAZING. I couldnt help but cry.
HIS PEOPLE sang a song that also made me cry.
We then all got on our knees and prayed to God.
Afterwards i felt so naked. Like litterally Naked.
I felt as tho i just ran around the whole chapel naked for an hour. I was so bare. It was scary. I just told a room of about 400 people all this crap i had.
people were so gracious tho. it was amazing.
kendra and i debated about the health care bill. it was fabulous. i've never had a friend i could debate with and not be worried if shes getting offended or im getting offended. it was so raw and i love that!
I met a girl today who i will not name, she is so sweet and innocent. Life really hit her hard. I cannot believe the courage she has everyday. Its people like this that i find so much beauty in. if it was anyone else they would have killed themselves. but its her, and shes strong, and she wants more out of life. I hope i can help her. I hope with all i have i can help her. She doesnt deserve this. We all do. Not Her.
One more thing about my birthday... my pappa always makes/buys cakes for us on our birthdays. Since i am gluten free and vegan, he said he couldnt find anything! hahah so he cut all this fruit up and made the most amazing designs out of them and gave it to me as my 'cake' it was so sweet. thats something that shows me...there are no such things as dead ends...just open doors.
thats it for now. Be so blessed!
3.24.2010
3.07.2010
GIA
watching the movie Gia.
Mental illness is such a dark place but it was my comfort for so long. I use to scream and rub my face against my carpet, getting huge burns on my face. I would rock myself to sleep at night and make sure i was tucked in so tight that nothing could come and get me. The blanket was my safe net.
I use to shake uncontrollably. It was because i was hypoglycemic from eating 500 calories a day. I would sit in class and my hands would shake so hard. I couldnt write. I would just sit there, wondering if i was burning calories by shaking.
But my issues werent all from my eating disorder. That was a big part of it but i've also had a panic disorder for a long time.
It felt like i was on drugs. All the time. i would wake up at night and wander the halls, always soooo cold.
Im having a bad trip again. I might be diagnosed with cyclothymia
Cyclothymia= A form of bipolar disorder. It is less severe, meaning i am able to still function.
Trip- thats what im going to call it. When my emotions are out of control. Its like a trip like a vacation and also a trip on drugs. Because i dont know whats going to happen, and i am unavailable to people around me. I. Am. Simply. Gone.
Im having a hard trip lately. Its 10 30 on sunday night and i dont feel well. But heres the thing... people arent going to put up with me 'not feeling well' for that long. it only takes a week like this for people to get irritated and want me to come home. just one week. one week for people to wonder when im coming home.
im so grateful for those in my life tho. They havnt given up on me. they get pissed and stomp their feet on the ground and throw a fit, but they stay. they dont run like i do.
ive been seeming to shut myself off from people lately.
ive been a real debbie downer about marriage and kids. I am a very relational person and i loooooove children... but i think if i have my own, i will think every fault they make is because of me. and a husband to me seems so out of the question.
i am someone people like, not someone they could love.
i am the crush. i am the butterflies in their stomachs.
i am not the one they cant get of their mind. i am not the one they want to spend their lives with.
i am complicated and independent. I refuse to wear the pants! but i usually am forced to.
i refuse to settle again. so if you do not put the pants on and wear them like a man.... i wont settle for you. i have no time to give away to someone who only takes. I need a guy that will pursue me. And if hes not there, then i wont settle.
i am in no rush.
hah!
i need to sleep. i cant get on the anti- feminism rant. maybe another day.
Mental illness is such a dark place but it was my comfort for so long. I use to scream and rub my face against my carpet, getting huge burns on my face. I would rock myself to sleep at night and make sure i was tucked in so tight that nothing could come and get me. The blanket was my safe net.
I use to shake uncontrollably. It was because i was hypoglycemic from eating 500 calories a day. I would sit in class and my hands would shake so hard. I couldnt write. I would just sit there, wondering if i was burning calories by shaking.
But my issues werent all from my eating disorder. That was a big part of it but i've also had a panic disorder for a long time.
It felt like i was on drugs. All the time. i would wake up at night and wander the halls, always soooo cold.
Im having a bad trip again. I might be diagnosed with cyclothymia
Cyclothymia= A form of bipolar disorder. It is less severe, meaning i am able to still function.
Trip- thats what im going to call it. When my emotions are out of control. Its like a trip like a vacation and also a trip on drugs. Because i dont know whats going to happen, and i am unavailable to people around me. I. Am. Simply. Gone.
Im having a hard trip lately. Its 10 30 on sunday night and i dont feel well. But heres the thing... people arent going to put up with me 'not feeling well' for that long. it only takes a week like this for people to get irritated and want me to come home. just one week. one week for people to wonder when im coming home.
im so grateful for those in my life tho. They havnt given up on me. they get pissed and stomp their feet on the ground and throw a fit, but they stay. they dont run like i do.
ive been seeming to shut myself off from people lately.
ive been a real debbie downer about marriage and kids. I am a very relational person and i loooooove children... but i think if i have my own, i will think every fault they make is because of me. and a husband to me seems so out of the question.
i am someone people like, not someone they could love.
i am the crush. i am the butterflies in their stomachs.
i am not the one they cant get of their mind. i am not the one they want to spend their lives with.
i am complicated and independent. I refuse to wear the pants! but i usually am forced to.
i refuse to settle again. so if you do not put the pants on and wear them like a man.... i wont settle for you. i have no time to give away to someone who only takes. I need a guy that will pursue me. And if hes not there, then i wont settle.
i am in no rush.
hah!
i need to sleep. i cant get on the anti- feminism rant. maybe another day.
3.05.2010
Dark Places, Worn Faces.
3 things
1. I cannot have emotional connections
2. I am so moody.
3. I am so obsessive.
#1
Ever since I had my brian injury, I havnt been able to really connect emotionally with anyone. I just dont feel loss. My boyfriend on 2 years broke up with me, and I was completly over it in 3 days...I met another guy and we kinda stopped talking and...I didnt much care.... Hah! idk its sad but its kinda nice. Im just affraid. I have kept telling myself that I will have a hard time getting married because I am such a dominant and strong woman. I dont believe in feminism and i need a man that is going to step up to the plate. But society is making all men less and all women more. I will maintian my position, but I NEED a man that is someone that can handle how strong I am...and lead me. and on top of that... i now am terrified that i will not be able to feel any emotion over this guy.
#2
I have been so angry today. I was manic for about 2 parts of today : Early 7-11 and then depressive from 11-3 and then manic from 3-7 and then really really angry and irritated since 7 til now (11)
I hate this
#3
I am so obsessive. I need to be doing things and managing things at all times. ugh.
Im so irritated i dont even want to finish this.
1. I cannot have emotional connections
2. I am so moody.
3. I am so obsessive.
#1
Ever since I had my brian injury, I havnt been able to really connect emotionally with anyone. I just dont feel loss. My boyfriend on 2 years broke up with me, and I was completly over it in 3 days...I met another guy and we kinda stopped talking and...I didnt much care.... Hah! idk its sad but its kinda nice. Im just affraid. I have kept telling myself that I will have a hard time getting married because I am such a dominant and strong woman. I dont believe in feminism and i need a man that is going to step up to the plate. But society is making all men less and all women more. I will maintian my position, but I NEED a man that is someone that can handle how strong I am...and lead me. and on top of that... i now am terrified that i will not be able to feel any emotion over this guy.
#2
I have been so angry today. I was manic for about 2 parts of today : Early 7-11 and then depressive from 11-3 and then manic from 3-7 and then really really angry and irritated since 7 til now (11)
I hate this
#3
I am so obsessive. I need to be doing things and managing things at all times. ugh.
Im so irritated i dont even want to finish this.
3.04.2010
Since when do the French only use swear words???
My family is being fricken rediculous.
My older sister has loved being increasingly more demanding. When i walk in the door..."Whos going to come with me to pick up our younger sister?"
"....nope, im tired i need to lay down"
"COME ONNNN!!!! PLEASSSEE!!! WE'LL GET FOOOOOD!!"
"ugh okay fine."
sitting on the couch...i am sitting on the floor because she needs the whole couch...
"Hey what are you eating? can you go get ME some peanut butter?"
"Hey the next person who gets up....could you get my tylenol? I have a terrrrrible headache"
me-"hey im going to record the office..."
"NOOOOO im watching this!!!!! You can record it LATERRRRR!!!"
throws the remote at me and tells me to fix the TV. all the batteries fall out of the remote. I tell her she is acting like a 2 year old, then i accidently call her my little sisters name and followed that up with....sorry your just acting like her!
older sister....lays on the couch as i leave... explitive.explitive.explitive.
Great! thanks! ...she wont do the dishes...i get up to help my mom...
Little sister(on the phone with her friend) "hey so i heard you said mean things about me..."
"what did i say?"
"Do you remember the 7th commandment...you shall not give false testimony against your neighbor!!!!"
"ohhhh is that what its about?...(the 7th is really "thou shall not commit adultery" but thats okay!) yes.... i said that she was acting like you."
"THATS A TERRIBLE THING TO SAY!!!!!"
....
my life....
....
whatever. its just annoying. i needed to vent.
ive been not feeling well the past couple hours. today was great but being home triggers soooo much. I need to hear from the u of m. I need to know whats going to happen next year. Its days like this that i dont want to live at home next year.
i dont want to eat. it pisses me off when people force me to eat. Dont try to understand what i am going through. When i was going through treatment, none of your comments about me needing to eat more and to gain weight did any good for me. It made me hate you. soooo thanks.
I cannot starve myself again, i cannot starve myself again, i cannot starve myself again.
ohhhh God. Help me.
My older sister has loved being increasingly more demanding. When i walk in the door..."Whos going to come with me to pick up our younger sister?"
"....nope, im tired i need to lay down"
"COME ONNNN!!!! PLEASSSEE!!! WE'LL GET FOOOOOD!!"
"ugh okay fine."
sitting on the couch...i am sitting on the floor because she needs the whole couch...
"Hey what are you eating? can you go get ME some peanut butter?"
"Hey the next person who gets up....could you get my tylenol? I have a terrrrrible headache"
me-"hey im going to record the office..."
"NOOOOO im watching this!!!!! You can record it LATERRRRR!!!"
throws the remote at me and tells me to fix the TV. all the batteries fall out of the remote. I tell her she is acting like a 2 year old, then i accidently call her my little sisters name and followed that up with....sorry your just acting like her!
older sister....lays on the couch as i leave... explitive.explitive.explitive.
Great! thanks! ...she wont do the dishes...i get up to help my mom...
Little sister(on the phone with her friend) "hey so i heard you said mean things about me..."
"what did i say?"
"Do you remember the 7th commandment...you shall not give false testimony against your neighbor!!!!"
"ohhhh is that what its about?...(the 7th is really "thou shall not commit adultery" but thats okay!) yes.... i said that she was acting like you."
"THATS A TERRIBLE THING TO SAY!!!!!"
....
my life....
....
whatever. its just annoying. i needed to vent.
ive been not feeling well the past couple hours. today was great but being home triggers soooo much. I need to hear from the u of m. I need to know whats going to happen next year. Its days like this that i dont want to live at home next year.
i dont want to eat. it pisses me off when people force me to eat. Dont try to understand what i am going through. When i was going through treatment, none of your comments about me needing to eat more and to gain weight did any good for me. It made me hate you. soooo thanks.
I cannot starve myself again, i cannot starve myself again, i cannot starve myself again.
ohhhh God. Help me.
3.03.2010
Sticks and Stones will Break my Bones...Words are What Kills Me.
GREAT QUOTE:
I can't afford to have a thought in my head about me that isn't in His.
omg today was off the wall.
Prom is nonsense.
I feel like its more stressful than my wedding will ever be. Because heres the thing. At my wedding.... it wont matter what the day was like and what happened to my dress and what person fell in the pool...because ill be with the man i love. But prom.... prom sucks.
Im not going any farther with that, but i will say i am soooo excited for prom. Even tho its totally stressful, i am excited.
Today was a good day. Yesturday i didnt write but i was suppose to talk about my first day on losing weight. I started at 135.5 yesturday morning (march 3rd 2010).
When i saw the number i was sooo upset, but throughout the day i realized that at least i am dealing with it in a good way. I have eaten good as well. My plan is this...
G- 3 servings of grains legumes and veggies
P- 2 servings of protein (all soy because im vegan)
C- 1 condiment (4 tbs =1)
F- 2 fruits
D- 2 servings of dairy (soy...or else i switch it out for veggies)
S- 3 snacks a day.
Each serving indicates 100 calories. so 1300 cals a day
and for exercise
30 mins walks or jogs each day.
if i am lifting weights its just for 30 mins extra
sleep = laying down at 9 and trying to sleep until 6. (this is probably the hardest thing)
im also not eating refined sugars (as less as possible) and not drinking any pop
I know it will work out and im not worried. I just have to realize that im not going to get instant results. I need to work to get anything.
okay enough about nutrition!
I can't afford to have a thought in my head about me that isn't in His.
omg today was off the wall.
Prom is nonsense.
I feel like its more stressful than my wedding will ever be. Because heres the thing. At my wedding.... it wont matter what the day was like and what happened to my dress and what person fell in the pool...because ill be with the man i love. But prom.... prom sucks.
Im not going any farther with that, but i will say i am soooo excited for prom. Even tho its totally stressful, i am excited.
Today was a good day. Yesturday i didnt write but i was suppose to talk about my first day on losing weight. I started at 135.5 yesturday morning (march 3rd 2010).
When i saw the number i was sooo upset, but throughout the day i realized that at least i am dealing with it in a good way. I have eaten good as well. My plan is this...
G- 3 servings of grains legumes and veggies
P- 2 servings of protein (all soy because im vegan)
C- 1 condiment (4 tbs =1)
F- 2 fruits
D- 2 servings of dairy (soy...or else i switch it out for veggies)
S- 3 snacks a day.
Each serving indicates 100 calories. so 1300 cals a day
and for exercise
30 mins walks or jogs each day.
if i am lifting weights its just for 30 mins extra
sleep = laying down at 9 and trying to sleep until 6. (this is probably the hardest thing)
im also not eating refined sugars (as less as possible) and not drinking any pop
I know it will work out and im not worried. I just have to realize that im not going to get instant results. I need to work to get anything.
okay enough about nutrition!
3.02.2010
I think its the fact that I had to wipe the dirt off my chin as I left that made me know today was worth while.
went to the doctor today. Weighed in more than i have ever weighed in my life. I was crabby the entire apmt. I told my doctor (who has been alot like a dad) that i was sick of gaining. He said my BMI was still healthy but that it was safe if i lost some weight. He said that my goal weight of 115 might be too low. He said since i am very muscular.. that at 115 i might be too weak.
So i am going to use this blog to help me stay on the right track. I will not lose weight in a bad way. starting tomorrow morning i will record my weight. And i will only weigh myself wednesday mornings. I know that if i record this on my blog, i will have some sort of accountability. so i will record any progress or set back here.
I am going to be smart about this. I plan on this taking 9-12 weeks with 1-2 lbs loss a week. after then i will do maintnance and stay there. I have and exercise, sleep, eat, and mental and spiritual health plan and i think its going to be alright.
i dont have much to say but i did want to post this poem. It is probably one of the sweetest things any guys has done for me....speaking of that...im going to write a list of those....theres not many...
Hunter- surprised me and brought me to Chicago the musical after going out to eat downtown. I remember we walked through rice park and he said we should pee in the ordway....after relieving myself i walked outside to see hunter at the top of the stairs. he grabbed my hand and passed the tickets to the lady and walked me into the theatre. I just about peed myself. After ward he made me canned pears and cinnemon (what my dad made my mom on their first date)
jayjay- he constantly buys me little gifts that i had talked about at one point in time. He remembers everything i say! its soooo cute!
my pappa- when i first went into treatment for eating disorders my dad gave me the sweetest card. I cried so hard when i read it and he hugged me! He also will clean my room when i am like crazy overwhelmed and he helps me with everything i mess up, like cars, boyfriends, diets, school, therapy, appmts!
and this poem....
(im not going to write who its from but it was for prom)
Beauty graced by God above
Wisdom gained from trial there of
You shine unique, you've caught my eye,
for me to ask, i ask thereby...
prom?
i just about cried i thought it was soooo cute!!!! It just is something that warms my heart. that these guys would go out of their way to do something special for me! Im just not use to it! haha
So i am going to use this blog to help me stay on the right track. I will not lose weight in a bad way. starting tomorrow morning i will record my weight. And i will only weigh myself wednesday mornings. I know that if i record this on my blog, i will have some sort of accountability. so i will record any progress or set back here.
I am going to be smart about this. I plan on this taking 9-12 weeks with 1-2 lbs loss a week. after then i will do maintnance and stay there. I have and exercise, sleep, eat, and mental and spiritual health plan and i think its going to be alright.
i dont have much to say but i did want to post this poem. It is probably one of the sweetest things any guys has done for me....speaking of that...im going to write a list of those....theres not many...
Hunter- surprised me and brought me to Chicago the musical after going out to eat downtown. I remember we walked through rice park and he said we should pee in the ordway....after relieving myself i walked outside to see hunter at the top of the stairs. he grabbed my hand and passed the tickets to the lady and walked me into the theatre. I just about peed myself. After ward he made me canned pears and cinnemon (what my dad made my mom on their first date)
jayjay- he constantly buys me little gifts that i had talked about at one point in time. He remembers everything i say! its soooo cute!
my pappa- when i first went into treatment for eating disorders my dad gave me the sweetest card. I cried so hard when i read it and he hugged me! He also will clean my room when i am like crazy overwhelmed and he helps me with everything i mess up, like cars, boyfriends, diets, school, therapy, appmts!
and this poem....
(im not going to write who its from but it was for prom)
Beauty graced by God above
Wisdom gained from trial there of
You shine unique, you've caught my eye,
for me to ask, i ask thereby...
prom?
i just about cried i thought it was soooo cute!!!! It just is something that warms my heart. that these guys would go out of their way to do something special for me! Im just not use to it! haha
3.01.2010
I didnt quite believe you last time....one more time with feeling???
Song= Tiny Vessels by Death Cab for Cutie.
"This is the moment that you know... that you told her that you loved her... but you dont.
Touch her skin and then you think... 'She is beautiful but she dont mean a thing to me'.
Yeah she is beautiful but she dont mean a thing to me."
HI JENNY! I LOVE YOU! I'M GLAD I SAW YOU TODAY! <3 JO - hahah joh joh wrote that when i left the computer.
Home sick today. I think im more homesick than actually at home and sick. I miss my family. I live with them, but Im always so busy and distant. But i love them more than anything. They are the only ones that have been here through it all. I believe that my parents could have left a million different times throughout my life, but we all stuck through it and fell in love with each other.
Family is everything. I really want to take each one of them on a date! hahah! =]
Jay - we would go ice skating and he would show me everything he can do. Then we would go to the thrift store and spend the whole day there trying to speak spanish and giggle at the old women.
Jorgie- we would go bike riding and then we would go get coffee and talk about boys and girls, highschool, and expectations. How much it sucks to get older. I would tell her the secrets of staying young forever.
Johanna- we would get super dressed up and go for a walk in rice park.
Momma- i would take her to get her nails done. and then we would sit at caribou and talk for hours!
Pappa- I would spend the day cleaning and doing yard work with him, and then i would make him dinner at home, or else go to a controversial movie and discuss it with him!
and cliffy...we would just go for a walk. and i would feed her...and then she would know i love her. bah!
Kendra and i talked about boys today. for those of you that dont know me, you probably think i sound super feminist and like leaning toward the side of lesbianism because of all the negative things i say about men...but i think women are equally as stupid. I just dont want to get married to a woman so the negative things girls say and do to me dont bother me as much.
HAHAh and for all of you that know me....you know how emotional i can be and, although, i am not exaggerating my life to make it seem more interesting, I like to have tunnel vision every now and then! ;]
"This is the moment that you know... that you told her that you loved her... but you dont.
Touch her skin and then you think... 'She is beautiful but she dont mean a thing to me'.
Yeah she is beautiful but she dont mean a thing to me."
HI JENNY! I LOVE YOU! I'M GLAD I SAW YOU TODAY! <3 JO - hahah joh joh wrote that when i left the computer.
Home sick today. I think im more homesick than actually at home and sick. I miss my family. I live with them, but Im always so busy and distant. But i love them more than anything. They are the only ones that have been here through it all. I believe that my parents could have left a million different times throughout my life, but we all stuck through it and fell in love with each other.
Family is everything. I really want to take each one of them on a date! hahah! =]
Jay - we would go ice skating and he would show me everything he can do. Then we would go to the thrift store and spend the whole day there trying to speak spanish and giggle at the old women.
Jorgie- we would go bike riding and then we would go get coffee and talk about boys and girls, highschool, and expectations. How much it sucks to get older. I would tell her the secrets of staying young forever.
Johanna- we would get super dressed up and go for a walk in rice park.
Momma- i would take her to get her nails done. and then we would sit at caribou and talk for hours!
Pappa- I would spend the day cleaning and doing yard work with him, and then i would make him dinner at home, or else go to a controversial movie and discuss it with him!
and cliffy...we would just go for a walk. and i would feed her...and then she would know i love her. bah!
Kendra and i talked about boys today. for those of you that dont know me, you probably think i sound super feminist and like leaning toward the side of lesbianism because of all the negative things i say about men...but i think women are equally as stupid. I just dont want to get married to a woman so the negative things girls say and do to me dont bother me as much.
HAHAh and for all of you that know me....you know how emotional i can be and, although, i am not exaggerating my life to make it seem more interesting, I like to have tunnel vision every now and then! ;]