today i thought, its summer, my legs are pastie white, i hate my legs, but ill wear shorts. and so i put on my black v-neck top and my denim shorts.
i like to get a little fancy so i put my cowgirl boots on... =].
i get to school to pick up jay, and i get out of the car...
and lindsay yells, "HAWT DAAAAAMMMMMNNN, do you're parents know you are dressed like this? you are damn fine! look at you!" i was seriously... just not really sure what to think.
its lindsay. soooo...
but after i go to mcdonalds to get wifi,.
im waiting in line to order my little salad and this guy runs up to the register and says, "ILL TAKE YOU OVER HERE M'AM!"
(mubble," im sure you will," under my breath)
he initiates small talk and asks me if i want all this other shit.
since i have been here, guys have been sitting all around my vicinity. and im not retarded. i know that while im sitting here typing, you are all walking by me looking down my shirt.
it just messes me up.
i hate that attention.
it tastes dirty.
kinda like the diet of meat pies, cigs, and booze.
so this is why i want to disapear. why i do this thing called starving myself so i can fade into the blackness (pop music referance)
its not about starving myself to look 'pretty'
yes i feel fat, but fat is what is attractive.
curves is what gets the blood rushing.
and i feel attractive.
and i hate it.
i want to be little. and gone. so its not what my body looks like, but who i am. i dont want to look available. i want to look like a human...but not the community bus that people pay a quarter a day.
im gettting the hell out of here.
thanks for the goddamn salad mcdonalds.
6.30.2010
6.29.2010
wake up in the morning feeling like hitlers mother.
waking up after a bad day is like a dream. you can remember bits and pieces but you pray to God that none of it really happened. throughout the day you have little flashbacks of the dream. but the one thing thats different is that this 'dream' happened to other people too. so as long as it haunts me, its doing the same to everyone else.
this is why i was scared. i dont have room to fall apart. once someone starts getting close. i freak out. i thought that when i came home everything would be over. not that i want it that way, but im getting older. im getting to the point where im starting to like myself. and when i get this shitty attitude, i just wouldnt talk to anyone. but now you get all my shit. and want to know why i do that? because im trying to get rid of you. im trying to get rid of all you guys that are in my life. im trying to scare you to see if your worth it. i seem to do this a lot. theres no logic to it. but i think i know why i do it.
i always pretended to be someone i wasnt. i dated all these guys that had this picture of who i was. never cried. never complained. never did anything real that would admit that i have some sort of soul, or governing body in my system. they never lasted. obviously...cause im not with any of those guys now. maybe im bitter? maybe it is logical? its worked. sometimes. and other times it leaves me like this. a million things to apologize for. no space for them to let it go. i need to have a system. when i get pissy... i cannot vent to people about it. im not in the right mind. i have no intention of working things out. i just want to attack and show the world how i can get. so then maybe ill weed out the ones that can handle it and the ones that cant. but what this all is coming to.. is that i hurt people in the process. i dont care how messed up i am and sick and whatever. but if my 'quest' for myself is hurting other people.. it makes me wonder what kind of 'quest' that i am on. what am i trying to prove to myself? that when i dump on other people they run and hide just like i would? it doesnt make sense. i cant just say sorry if im not going to change it.
but let me try to explain where the root of this is coming from. you got the end that was soaked in bitterness and sleep deprivation.
you scare the shit out of me. we came to this conclusion yesterday. its not the person that you are, but the position you are in right now. i have no idea what your intentions are. im trying hard not to get to attached. because thats when feelings are involved. kinda like now. but if i had no feelings about you, then if anything happened, like this, i could just walk out without a scratch. which obviously isnt happening. i went over and over this when i was gone. and now that i can finally talk to you... i seem to be having a shit time explaining myself.
pretty messed up huh?
you're dealing with a lot of shit.
im asking for a lot of shit.
and im sorry.
this is why i was scared. i dont have room to fall apart. once someone starts getting close. i freak out. i thought that when i came home everything would be over. not that i want it that way, but im getting older. im getting to the point where im starting to like myself. and when i get this shitty attitude, i just wouldnt talk to anyone. but now you get all my shit. and want to know why i do that? because im trying to get rid of you. im trying to get rid of all you guys that are in my life. im trying to scare you to see if your worth it. i seem to do this a lot. theres no logic to it. but i think i know why i do it.
i always pretended to be someone i wasnt. i dated all these guys that had this picture of who i was. never cried. never complained. never did anything real that would admit that i have some sort of soul, or governing body in my system. they never lasted. obviously...cause im not with any of those guys now. maybe im bitter? maybe it is logical? its worked. sometimes. and other times it leaves me like this. a million things to apologize for. no space for them to let it go. i need to have a system. when i get pissy... i cannot vent to people about it. im not in the right mind. i have no intention of working things out. i just want to attack and show the world how i can get. so then maybe ill weed out the ones that can handle it and the ones that cant. but what this all is coming to.. is that i hurt people in the process. i dont care how messed up i am and sick and whatever. but if my 'quest' for myself is hurting other people.. it makes me wonder what kind of 'quest' that i am on. what am i trying to prove to myself? that when i dump on other people they run and hide just like i would? it doesnt make sense. i cant just say sorry if im not going to change it.
but let me try to explain where the root of this is coming from. you got the end that was soaked in bitterness and sleep deprivation.
you scare the shit out of me. we came to this conclusion yesterday. its not the person that you are, but the position you are in right now. i have no idea what your intentions are. im trying hard not to get to attached. because thats when feelings are involved. kinda like now. but if i had no feelings about you, then if anything happened, like this, i could just walk out without a scratch. which obviously isnt happening. i went over and over this when i was gone. and now that i can finally talk to you... i seem to be having a shit time explaining myself.
pretty messed up huh?
you're dealing with a lot of shit.
im asking for a lot of shit.
and im sorry.
6.28.2010
this pointless banter makes me believe that at one point in time, i really did know the muffin man.
19:40
today. was. near. Hell.
Its still something where I don’t understand what the line is between good and bad days. Getting closer to what you need and desire in life I feel is a good day.
With that definition. Today was hell. I went and got a haircut. Fine. But it was obsessive. I started really caring about what it looked like. Not long enough. Not thin enough. Not curly enough. Not. Wtf.
Then I went to the doctor. Reality check. Weighed in heavy. But justifying it… I ate lunch right before I got weighed in. lots of water. Period.
But my brain kicked in and said… no… your fat. Don’t even try to talk yourself out of this one.
Bmi is 24. 26 is in danger of being slightly overweight. And 18 is danger of underweight. 24 is closer to 26. Its math….you wouldn’t understand.
I want bmi of 120. I would have to weigh 110-115lbs. the whole time I was sitting in the waiting room I was calculating how much weight I could lose before my grad party. How many calories I would have to eat each day to do it. How much I would have to run. Its healthy to lose up to 2lbs a week. But for some reason 7.5 seemed pretty reasonable to me.
Another thing accured to me when I was at the doctor. I have this nasty ass cyst and ive been meaning to get that taken care of. But apparently its not nasty enough for me to remember. But this time, there was a med student, a cute med student. A smart cute, doctor, med student, at the University of Minnesota. Mmmmhmmmmm. Bah! But here I am and I have to tell this guy about the cyst on my ass. And its not that I had any intentions with this guy, but its just like …really? Really? Im telling you about this sac of shit that’s on my ass? Really?
I figure that this is what it would be like (in the most removed sense) when we go to God about all our crap, I feel like this is what we should feel. Like omg your so cute and I have to tell you something so gross! Except it would be like holy shit, you love me like the sunshines on my ass, but I totally just shit on your face.
Anyways. I was sitting in the car and I hadn’t eaten since 11 and it was now 5. Banana. Cried. Shoved it down my throat and promised myself I wouldn’t see it again while I prayed gladys wouldn’t make me eat dinner. She insisted. So I ate. My usual meal. When I was really sick. Readddddddy???
Ketcup and lettuce.
I feel sick. No wonder. I eat shit like this. Because its 5 calories per tablespoon. (if you get the sugar free kind). Gag me. The song of today is stay or leave by dave matthews.
Talked about boys with the women at the pool. Felt pretty happy that I have a hard time attaching emotion to things.
I read through my journal from the trip and I think that I shouldn’t write it all out. Its inappropriate. (look at me, all sensitive to what people think!). I wrote a lot of things, that I didn’t know if I meant. There were emotions flaring and people glaring and pigeons wearing…? But yeah. It was fun. I learned a lot about myself. And I will say this.
When people leave for trips, theres this crazy Idea that they fall in love with some mystery man and end up living happily ever after. Well they are so right. I fell in love. But in a different way. I saw what I could have, and what I wanted, and what I definitely didn’t, and I saw risk. And I know what I want. I fell in love with some mystery man, that is nameless to me. Because I finally fell in love with the idea of being with someone, not a particular person, but I felt that I had the compacity to love and to be loved. I have no idea what im going to do with all the guys in my life, but the ones that are worth it will stay, eh? They will try. And I don’t believe that the guy is the one that needs to pick up all this slack and sweep the girl totally off her feet, but in my case… that might be what it takes. If you want to be with me, you better treat me like a damned princess. Because otherwise, you are like every guy that ive been with. And I seem to be getting more standards. And I believe in second chances… but its also not hard for me to get rid of people out of my life. Hahah. I don’t get attached easily.
But omg I have to say, I was very surprised how attached I got to kurt. 2 weeks. Slept over every night. Ate at every meal with me. How could I not get attached. But I wish I wasn’t. I have a best friend on the other side of the world. Its pretty inconvieniet. But man is that guy in love with me. We planned what our house would look like if we got married. Hahah we said that when we are 30 if we weren’t married already, we would get married. So that’s that I guess.
Out of sight out of mind.
Im not ready to have my life together.
I hope I don’t fall apart. Not again. Please let me love myself and not be ruined again.
I feel hopeless right now. I havnt taken my meds. I don’t want to. Because I want to be difficult today. I don’t work tomorrow. Why not be a shithead and sleep all day tomorrow, cry a little, turn my phone off, and lock myself in my room. Lights off. No daylight in, no smiles out. Im pissed.
Lets be dark today. tomorrow ill tell you all you want to hear and make your heart the warmest place on earth. But today. lets be pissed. Lets hate the world together.
today. was. near. Hell.
Its still something where I don’t understand what the line is between good and bad days. Getting closer to what you need and desire in life I feel is a good day.
With that definition. Today was hell. I went and got a haircut. Fine. But it was obsessive. I started really caring about what it looked like. Not long enough. Not thin enough. Not curly enough. Not. Wtf.
Then I went to the doctor. Reality check. Weighed in heavy. But justifying it… I ate lunch right before I got weighed in. lots of water. Period.
But my brain kicked in and said… no… your fat. Don’t even try to talk yourself out of this one.
Bmi is 24. 26 is in danger of being slightly overweight. And 18 is danger of underweight. 24 is closer to 26. Its math….you wouldn’t understand.
I want bmi of 120. I would have to weigh 110-115lbs. the whole time I was sitting in the waiting room I was calculating how much weight I could lose before my grad party. How many calories I would have to eat each day to do it. How much I would have to run. Its healthy to lose up to 2lbs a week. But for some reason 7.5 seemed pretty reasonable to me.
Another thing accured to me when I was at the doctor. I have this nasty ass cyst and ive been meaning to get that taken care of. But apparently its not nasty enough for me to remember. But this time, there was a med student, a cute med student. A smart cute, doctor, med student, at the University of Minnesota. Mmmmhmmmmm. Bah! But here I am and I have to tell this guy about the cyst on my ass. And its not that I had any intentions with this guy, but its just like …really? Really? Im telling you about this sac of shit that’s on my ass? Really?
I figure that this is what it would be like (in the most removed sense) when we go to God about all our crap, I feel like this is what we should feel. Like omg your so cute and I have to tell you something so gross! Except it would be like holy shit, you love me like the sunshines on my ass, but I totally just shit on your face.
Anyways. I was sitting in the car and I hadn’t eaten since 11 and it was now 5. Banana. Cried. Shoved it down my throat and promised myself I wouldn’t see it again while I prayed gladys wouldn’t make me eat dinner. She insisted. So I ate. My usual meal. When I was really sick. Readddddddy???
Ketcup and lettuce.
I feel sick. No wonder. I eat shit like this. Because its 5 calories per tablespoon. (if you get the sugar free kind). Gag me. The song of today is stay or leave by dave matthews.
Talked about boys with the women at the pool. Felt pretty happy that I have a hard time attaching emotion to things.
I read through my journal from the trip and I think that I shouldn’t write it all out. Its inappropriate. (look at me, all sensitive to what people think!). I wrote a lot of things, that I didn’t know if I meant. There were emotions flaring and people glaring and pigeons wearing…? But yeah. It was fun. I learned a lot about myself. And I will say this.
When people leave for trips, theres this crazy Idea that they fall in love with some mystery man and end up living happily ever after. Well they are so right. I fell in love. But in a different way. I saw what I could have, and what I wanted, and what I definitely didn’t, and I saw risk. And I know what I want. I fell in love with some mystery man, that is nameless to me. Because I finally fell in love with the idea of being with someone, not a particular person, but I felt that I had the compacity to love and to be loved. I have no idea what im going to do with all the guys in my life, but the ones that are worth it will stay, eh? They will try. And I don’t believe that the guy is the one that needs to pick up all this slack and sweep the girl totally off her feet, but in my case… that might be what it takes. If you want to be with me, you better treat me like a damned princess. Because otherwise, you are like every guy that ive been with. And I seem to be getting more standards. And I believe in second chances… but its also not hard for me to get rid of people out of my life. Hahah. I don’t get attached easily.
But omg I have to say, I was very surprised how attached I got to kurt. 2 weeks. Slept over every night. Ate at every meal with me. How could I not get attached. But I wish I wasn’t. I have a best friend on the other side of the world. Its pretty inconvieniet. But man is that guy in love with me. We planned what our house would look like if we got married. Hahah we said that when we are 30 if we weren’t married already, we would get married. So that’s that I guess.
Out of sight out of mind.
Im not ready to have my life together.
I hope I don’t fall apart. Not again. Please let me love myself and not be ruined again.
I feel hopeless right now. I havnt taken my meds. I don’t want to. Because I want to be difficult today. I don’t work tomorrow. Why not be a shithead and sleep all day tomorrow, cry a little, turn my phone off, and lock myself in my room. Lights off. No daylight in, no smiles out. Im pissed.
Lets be dark today. tomorrow ill tell you all you want to hear and make your heart the warmest place on earth. But today. lets be pissed. Lets hate the world together.
6.27.2010
i dont think its being two-faced, i think its being careful
okay today should be the day that i catch everyone up on my trip. ive had some rest but not enough to conquor the world. so laying in my bed and writing shouldnt be too bad, eh?
but first.
let me tell you about my dream.
im not a big believer in dreams saying something about your life, because one of my exs broke up with me in that way... but then again how did God talk to a lot of people in the bible? dreams.
so with that side note, let me go into this side note.
my dream.
i was at a college dorm room helping people move in. but i was helping two totally unrelated guys move into two totally different rooms. the first one, was one of my exs but in the dream we were dating. the second one (i cant remember his name) was just some friend i was helping out. so first i move him in. we are unpacking have a great time and i freak out cause i see he brought a piano! i just start playing and playing music and hes loving it and im loving it, but then i leave to go help my 'boyfriend' and hes complaining the whole time and im helping as much as i can and then i see something in the corner of the room. its under all this stuff and its a piano as well. i start playing it, but no music comes out. i took off all the things on top of it and i put it into the middle of the room and try and try to play it. my boyfriend walks into the room and turns on a football game. i put a sticky note that says we are breaking up and i leave to go to my friends room.
so what i reckon this whole thing is about.. is that the piano is everything i need to build up my talents and to express myself. there are some people out there that provided be with a beautiful piano in their presence so that they can enjoy it as well. they give me a stage and they dance with me. and there are some people that dont take the piano out when they are there, and when i find it, its something i cant play. its something that wont let me perform. but the thing is, i am attached to them. i have a 'relationship' with them that i feel the need to break so that i can live. i am not bringing anything to their life and they are bringing nothing to mine.
i need to find those people. the ones that love my performance.
okay my trip. to be continued...
but first.
let me tell you about my dream.
im not a big believer in dreams saying something about your life, because one of my exs broke up with me in that way... but then again how did God talk to a lot of people in the bible? dreams.
so with that side note, let me go into this side note.
my dream.
i was at a college dorm room helping people move in. but i was helping two totally unrelated guys move into two totally different rooms. the first one, was one of my exs but in the dream we were dating. the second one (i cant remember his name) was just some friend i was helping out. so first i move him in. we are unpacking have a great time and i freak out cause i see he brought a piano! i just start playing and playing music and hes loving it and im loving it, but then i leave to go help my 'boyfriend' and hes complaining the whole time and im helping as much as i can and then i see something in the corner of the room. its under all this stuff and its a piano as well. i start playing it, but no music comes out. i took off all the things on top of it and i put it into the middle of the room and try and try to play it. my boyfriend walks into the room and turns on a football game. i put a sticky note that says we are breaking up and i leave to go to my friends room.
so what i reckon this whole thing is about.. is that the piano is everything i need to build up my talents and to express myself. there are some people out there that provided be with a beautiful piano in their presence so that they can enjoy it as well. they give me a stage and they dance with me. and there are some people that dont take the piano out when they are there, and when i find it, its something i cant play. its something that wont let me perform. but the thing is, i am attached to them. i have a 'relationship' with them that i feel the need to break so that i can live. i am not bringing anything to their life and they are bringing nothing to mine.
i need to find those people. the ones that love my performance.
okay my trip. to be continued...
6.25.2010
it takes one to know one.
i will be home tomorrow. 8pm. right now is not the time to type out all my words from the notebook i carry around. today is not the day, because today i am still writing. it wouldnt be complete unless i wrote tomorrow. i believe that i am coming back different. maybe ill talk a little different. being around australians kinda does that to you. mate. reckon. pardon. breaki. textar.
i am missing you all and tomorrow you will read all about my eurotrip.
i have not forgotten you all. so please do not forget me. we will start where we left off. deal?
i am missing you all and tomorrow you will read all about my eurotrip.
i have not forgotten you all. so please do not forget me. we will start where we left off. deal?
6.11.2010
if i was blind i would be beautiful.
so much as gone through my head today
let me start with what happened today
friday june 11th 2010
sommers birthday. she is so beautiful.
we left early in the morning to see town. grave sites. meet the rest of the family.
it was all about family today
i was good all day. never crabby.
but it got to a point where it hit me. that i am in norway with my family. and it hit me. my family.
my mom and solvieg sat down with me and discussed the family line. i am so interested with stuff like this! so i am writing and writing and writing. and my mom is telling me stories about each person. that is when i realize how small i am and how big my story is. my grandfather was the most influencial person in my life. next to my own father. i respect them more than anyone. i didnt give myself any time to hate God or be angry at the way life works when he died. i cried once. wrote a song. felt nothing. and today i cried over him.
His family was very messed up. his parents were fine but his brothers and sisters were very messed up. marrying eachother to selfish to favored to everything. and when he married my Nona, he felt love for the first time. when my mother was born, he said it was the happiest day of his life. and he said that this is what family is. johanna and i were the first grandchildren and he loved us so much. it makes me shake to think about it. he would take us from home and we changed his life. honestly. he quit smoking he started carying gum around in his pockets for us and he would bring us real close and give us a piece and say you are the best one i have. or he would say, "call me mr.wonderful and i will give you some gum" it was Extra. the green kind. whenever i have some now it warms my heart. it brings me back.
every picture i have of my childhood he is there. if he isnt, its cause he was taking the picture. i was his life. and when he got sick i was still his life. he would always say, i love you...anyways. hence the blog web title.
today i saw that family has changed me. i was so stupid and i was so young and i so hated them all. and now i wish i could take those years back.
i want to make my dad proud of me.
because i made his life scary.
in the movie, "the divine secrets of the yaya sisterhood" i feel like the mother. i get flashbacks of who i was. watching my father cry because his daughter was dying. and she wanted to die.
holding me so tight when i would get the attacks and shake. run me to the hospital and hold my hair back. listened to me scream. he wanted me so bad. he wanted jenessa. and i was simply ED. and i connected with that. it was my identity. to have that taken from me meant that i was nothing. i had nothing to offer. i had no where to hang my head at night. at the end of the day i said at least i have you ED. at least i am not alone.
i had these flashbacks all day today. my gandpa dying, my father crying. i dont know who that girl was. i stand in the mirror now and i know who i am. but i dont know who that girl was. its a total disconnect. i feel that i want to take it all back and be the normal child that has crushes on boys and playes kitchen with her friends and learns math and reading early and who cant really play basketball so she makes dinner for her family. always cheerful. always laughing.
but what is normal?
and why do i want that?
for my family.
i know that if they saw this they would make me take that back becuase they want me for who i am. but i made life hard.
110lbs? for 6 years? hospital stays really?
break
i just said goodbye to solvieg. i am a mess.puddle. ohh wow i havnt cried like this in a long time. i havnt felt this in a long time. heights of love. i realize that family is the most important. and all this talk about guys and whatever dating... i need to be picky. my husband will have to be so good. haha he has alot of expectations i guess! but to him they wont be expectations, they will be who he is.
i was my grandpas life, as long as he lived. and i am my dads life as long as he will live. and i feel that they dedicated their life to me before i was even born because of the choices they made. i will do the same. and my husband will do the same.
they figured out who they were. they were rock in who they were. the wind did not bring them down. the waves did not wash them up. and they will no longer do that to me.
this is where i belong.
Paul says that everything is permissable but not everything is beneficial. i live like this. you do whatever the hell you want, but realize life will not be a cake walk. do whatever. God will still love you. you have permission to fuck up your life. God will still be there. and because he will still be there, you wont stay f-ed. i feel the best thing in life is to mess up a little and love a lot. we mess up to stay current. we love. we mess up to stay humble. we love. we mess up to be real. we love. we mess up to feel what its like to be the last one.
the only thing that matters is realtionship.
the only reason we have rules is because we made a government. im not entirely sure that if adam and eve stayed perfect, they would have had kids. because they had everything. but when God "cut them off" they needed a saviour which only came from...kids. so family and having kids and whatever is for what we needed when God wasnt "directly" walking with us. and i feel that after the cross.... everyone was saved. so there was no point in the world continuing. like God wants us to go through the dirt of life so we can see how big his love is. and he lets life go on for so long so that we can get to that point. and i feel that he loves our creations. and i dont know what heaven will be like and i feel that we wont be robots...but in life... we have the choice. in heaven we cant leave. we wont want to leave. but...we cant either way. and so the love we have for God on earth is for what we have and what we dont have and for everything we dont know. because nothing bad will happen in heaven. we wont have a chance to hate God. but here... life happens and it hits real hard. and we have the choice. and when we say, through the deepest pain, God is enough. thats real love.
because we love God for who he wasnt in our life at that time. (idk if that makes sense) but we love God because of who he has been. and who we know him to be. and who he says he is. even if he takes it all away. because he loves us like that. he gets angry at us too i think. but he would never leave. i feel there is so much of God in us. (not that we are gods) (im not mormon) (thanks Jesus) but i feel that he really did make us in his image.
life gets so screwy.
ohh and random things of today:
christina asked me to move to Norway next summer. Im considering it. if not next summer... it will be a year from then. i need this family.
im thinking about quitting my job. red robin. it is not apart of my life goals. (like not making those move forward) and i get paid so much for PCA... and i want time. i think i make my life so busy.
i want to learn way too much in University. Art, Dance, Music, sign language <-- all in theraputic setting and Norwegian=]
going to start thinking about the important things... dont worry... having fun is most important! =]
i think those cliche phrases should be changed. live, laugh, love... its should be die, rise, cry
EXPLINATION..... die to yourself, rise up in who you are, cry from laughing!
let me start with what happened today
friday june 11th 2010
sommers birthday. she is so beautiful.
we left early in the morning to see town. grave sites. meet the rest of the family.
it was all about family today
i was good all day. never crabby.
but it got to a point where it hit me. that i am in norway with my family. and it hit me. my family.
my mom and solvieg sat down with me and discussed the family line. i am so interested with stuff like this! so i am writing and writing and writing. and my mom is telling me stories about each person. that is when i realize how small i am and how big my story is. my grandfather was the most influencial person in my life. next to my own father. i respect them more than anyone. i didnt give myself any time to hate God or be angry at the way life works when he died. i cried once. wrote a song. felt nothing. and today i cried over him.
His family was very messed up. his parents were fine but his brothers and sisters were very messed up. marrying eachother to selfish to favored to everything. and when he married my Nona, he felt love for the first time. when my mother was born, he said it was the happiest day of his life. and he said that this is what family is. johanna and i were the first grandchildren and he loved us so much. it makes me shake to think about it. he would take us from home and we changed his life. honestly. he quit smoking he started carying gum around in his pockets for us and he would bring us real close and give us a piece and say you are the best one i have. or he would say, "call me mr.wonderful and i will give you some gum" it was Extra. the green kind. whenever i have some now it warms my heart. it brings me back.
every picture i have of my childhood he is there. if he isnt, its cause he was taking the picture. i was his life. and when he got sick i was still his life. he would always say, i love you...anyways. hence the blog web title.
today i saw that family has changed me. i was so stupid and i was so young and i so hated them all. and now i wish i could take those years back.
i want to make my dad proud of me.
because i made his life scary.
in the movie, "the divine secrets of the yaya sisterhood" i feel like the mother. i get flashbacks of who i was. watching my father cry because his daughter was dying. and she wanted to die.
holding me so tight when i would get the attacks and shake. run me to the hospital and hold my hair back. listened to me scream. he wanted me so bad. he wanted jenessa. and i was simply ED. and i connected with that. it was my identity. to have that taken from me meant that i was nothing. i had nothing to offer. i had no where to hang my head at night. at the end of the day i said at least i have you ED. at least i am not alone.
i had these flashbacks all day today. my gandpa dying, my father crying. i dont know who that girl was. i stand in the mirror now and i know who i am. but i dont know who that girl was. its a total disconnect. i feel that i want to take it all back and be the normal child that has crushes on boys and playes kitchen with her friends and learns math and reading early and who cant really play basketball so she makes dinner for her family. always cheerful. always laughing.
but what is normal?
and why do i want that?
for my family.
i know that if they saw this they would make me take that back becuase they want me for who i am. but i made life hard.
110lbs? for 6 years? hospital stays really?
break
i just said goodbye to solvieg. i am a mess.puddle. ohh wow i havnt cried like this in a long time. i havnt felt this in a long time. heights of love. i realize that family is the most important. and all this talk about guys and whatever dating... i need to be picky. my husband will have to be so good. haha he has alot of expectations i guess! but to him they wont be expectations, they will be who he is.
i was my grandpas life, as long as he lived. and i am my dads life as long as he will live. and i feel that they dedicated their life to me before i was even born because of the choices they made. i will do the same. and my husband will do the same.
they figured out who they were. they were rock in who they were. the wind did not bring them down. the waves did not wash them up. and they will no longer do that to me.
this is where i belong.
Paul says that everything is permissable but not everything is beneficial. i live like this. you do whatever the hell you want, but realize life will not be a cake walk. do whatever. God will still love you. you have permission to fuck up your life. God will still be there. and because he will still be there, you wont stay f-ed. i feel the best thing in life is to mess up a little and love a lot. we mess up to stay current. we love. we mess up to stay humble. we love. we mess up to be real. we love. we mess up to feel what its like to be the last one.
the only thing that matters is realtionship.
the only reason we have rules is because we made a government. im not entirely sure that if adam and eve stayed perfect, they would have had kids. because they had everything. but when God "cut them off" they needed a saviour which only came from...kids. so family and having kids and whatever is for what we needed when God wasnt "directly" walking with us. and i feel that after the cross.... everyone was saved. so there was no point in the world continuing. like God wants us to go through the dirt of life so we can see how big his love is. and he lets life go on for so long so that we can get to that point. and i feel that he loves our creations. and i dont know what heaven will be like and i feel that we wont be robots...but in life... we have the choice. in heaven we cant leave. we wont want to leave. but...we cant either way. and so the love we have for God on earth is for what we have and what we dont have and for everything we dont know. because nothing bad will happen in heaven. we wont have a chance to hate God. but here... life happens and it hits real hard. and we have the choice. and when we say, through the deepest pain, God is enough. thats real love.
because we love God for who he wasnt in our life at that time. (idk if that makes sense) but we love God because of who he has been. and who we know him to be. and who he says he is. even if he takes it all away. because he loves us like that. he gets angry at us too i think. but he would never leave. i feel there is so much of God in us. (not that we are gods) (im not mormon) (thanks Jesus) but i feel that he really did make us in his image.
life gets so screwy.
ohh and random things of today:
christina asked me to move to Norway next summer. Im considering it. if not next summer... it will be a year from then. i need this family.
im thinking about quitting my job. red robin. it is not apart of my life goals. (like not making those move forward) and i get paid so much for PCA... and i want time. i think i make my life so busy.
i want to learn way too much in University. Art, Dance, Music, sign language <-- all in theraputic setting and Norwegian=]
going to start thinking about the important things... dont worry... having fun is most important! =]
i think those cliche phrases should be changed. live, laugh, love... its should be die, rise, cry
EXPLINATION..... die to yourself, rise up in who you are, cry from laughing!
6.10.2010
you know jimmy, you're okay, even if you are a damn diego.
Thursday June 10th
mommas birthday. i went to school with juliana. got hit on. honey if you are 15, live in another country, and are just a couple inches taller than me...just dont even waste your time. went to the mall. got depressed. i hate the mall. i think there is some spell that you walk into the doors of any mall and you feel awful about yourself. i usually shop when i am depressed and i get more depressed. enough of tht... came back and saw all the family. grandma and grandpa..played with the horses. which i called kitties, of course. "come here little meow-meows!" and there were also kitties....i was in heaven. ate strawberries. today was very eventful but i was so tired. thoughts on today run like water. theres so much and i cant grab it.
theres something beautiful about playing with the two little girls, Sommer and Neva. They dont speak any english but we can communicate so well. i feel a connection with them because we dont even have language and we still care so much. i dont love you because of what you say...but who you are. its so true. they dont understand a word i say but they love me. mostly because i play with them and make funny faces...
Friday June 11th
last full day in norway.. we will be leaving tomorrow sometime during the day to get to Dover, England. this is where our ship will leave from. i cant say much about today because it just happened. its 1:30 am here. another sleepless night? no, this is why i brought sleep pills! ;]
mommas birthday. i went to school with juliana. got hit on. honey if you are 15, live in another country, and are just a couple inches taller than me...just dont even waste your time. went to the mall. got depressed. i hate the mall. i think there is some spell that you walk into the doors of any mall and you feel awful about yourself. i usually shop when i am depressed and i get more depressed. enough of tht... came back and saw all the family. grandma and grandpa..played with the horses. which i called kitties, of course. "come here little meow-meows!" and there were also kitties....i was in heaven. ate strawberries. today was very eventful but i was so tired. thoughts on today run like water. theres so much and i cant grab it.
theres something beautiful about playing with the two little girls, Sommer and Neva. They dont speak any english but we can communicate so well. i feel a connection with them because we dont even have language and we still care so much. i dont love you because of what you say...but who you are. its so true. they dont understand a word i say but they love me. mostly because i play with them and make funny faces...
Friday June 11th
last full day in norway.. we will be leaving tomorrow sometime during the day to get to Dover, England. this is where our ship will leave from. i cant say much about today because it just happened. its 1:30 am here. another sleepless night? no, this is why i brought sleep pills! ;]
6.09.2010
brasa rotisserie
its 3am. i am more awake then ive been all trip. it seems to never get dark here. even now it lookes like 7pm. i am going to school with juliane today. she has an exam about America, so i will be her 'showandtell' in some sense. Last night i was so embarrassed. they gave me the choice between hotdogs or moose soup. i was pale. they put the moose soup in front of me and jay reassured me as he said...it tastes just like beef. for all of you who dont know... i am vegan. i dont eat any animal products. and its not about cruelty to animals, its about being healthy. and i havnt eaten meat for a while now. so the smell of the moose soup was filling my lungs. and i almost cried. i poured lingonberries into the soup and started picking at those. i mixed them in real good so it looked like possibly i had eaten some. i felt like i was sick again. i felt like i was starving again. i started making excuses. like... oh its good but i am so full. or i have been snacking all day! imagine that! i told her i felt sick and that i was allergic. she then offered me a hotdog...
forget it. i ate rice cakes.
123456 change.
this one goes out to all yo babies mommas...
i am so sick of fricken trusting people. you act like me. honestly. i have something called a traumatic brain injury. so when i say things...like ohh ill call you... i mean in at the time. but i forget in about 34 seconds.
you.act.like.me
it really pisses me off. go smash your head 8 times and ill feel okay when you dont follow up on your word...but right now... i think its pathetic. you will get no where like that. and no this is not about a stupid phone call, or text message. this is about your life. if you go on living like your ass is the most holy thing on this god forsaken earth... i will not even look at your ass with respect. your word is your most important tool. if you screw that over..what do people have? your actions follow your word and your word follows your heart.
lie to me. i promise... i'll believe.
i know that i cant live up to my word. i know i hurt people. but i pray to God i never hurt anyone like you've hurt me.
that being said....Good Morning! to all your norwegians God Morgan! Jeg ønsker deg alle godt! i wish you all the best!
forget it. i ate rice cakes.
123456 change.
this one goes out to all yo babies mommas...
i am so sick of fricken trusting people. you act like me. honestly. i have something called a traumatic brain injury. so when i say things...like ohh ill call you... i mean in at the time. but i forget in about 34 seconds.
you.act.like.me
it really pisses me off. go smash your head 8 times and ill feel okay when you dont follow up on your word...but right now... i think its pathetic. you will get no where like that. and no this is not about a stupid phone call, or text message. this is about your life. if you go on living like your ass is the most holy thing on this god forsaken earth... i will not even look at your ass with respect. your word is your most important tool. if you screw that over..what do people have? your actions follow your word and your word follows your heart.
lie to me. i promise... i'll believe.
i know that i cant live up to my word. i know i hurt people. but i pray to God i never hurt anyone like you've hurt me.
that being said....Good Morning! to all your norwegians God Morgan! Jeg ønsker deg alle godt! i wish you all the best!
They made a statue of us. They wrote a story like this.
Wednesday june 9th, 2010
We are again at the airport. This time we are on our way to Oslo, Norway. I have embraced the inner American in me and have been dancing around the airport all day. Surprise surprise. They have Americans music in the UK. Today we heard Just Dance by yours truly and OMG by usher. We sang that loud and proud. America the beautiful huh? Yesturday I was full of swearing. I was so angry and swearing made it all easier to cope with. Damn shit mother fucker. That sums it all up. Excuse me. I wonder what it would be like to not have use of my legs. Would I still dance? Probably. Shame is such a weird feeling. Ashamed. Is that not what we feel when we do something unusual. It is practically forbidden in our society to do something out of the ordinary. If anyone raises their voices, even in reverance to God, we say they are full of themselves. They want attention. Well then let us all raise our silence to our God and let the rocks cry out. Do me a favor and do something reckless today. the world is in great need of some laughter.
Thinking about my post yesturday… I feel that I have a strong opinion about gender roles. And since this is my blog I will voice my opinion, whether you wanted to or not, because I don’t have a comment button so I don’t have to hear your complaints. =] love ya! ← that makes up for it all right?
To all the girls out there. Shut up. We all know you want to talk about yourself. We all know. Listen please. We have silenced our men and made ourselves greater than them. Respect. And you will be respected as well. Love yourself. Do not look for it in other things. And when you understand yourself and what it is that you want, then you can lead and be respected. I am not feminist and not anti feminist. The feminist movement was created to give women equal opportunity. Which is great! But what the feminist movement stood for and what it occomplished are two totatally different things. We put ourselves at the same leval as all men. I am sorry, but if we cant control our moods at that time of the month, we cannot control a country. Women have a right to edjucation just as much as men do. And we have a right to our opinion just as men do. And that’s what is beautiful about the movement because it gave us what we have now. But it went too far. Now we have people saying, women either need to stay at home and clean or they need to run the country. Hey I have a wild idea, lets let them decide. But please ladies, keep in mind that the man is the head and deserves respect. It is our fault the man is portrayed as the slob that just grabs ass and comes home drunk, to his family who has no relationship with him, after his factory job. We have turned you into this monster.
And to all the men in this bidness…. Prove us wrong. We think you are all full of shit. Prove us wrong. You have what it takes inside you to sweep any girl off her feet so be confident, not cocky (because that’s insecurity) your big ego will not make up for the fact that you cant deal with feelings because your father beat you. Sorry men. And also be the exeption. Like in “hes not really into you” or whatever its called. We say all men are heartbreakers and are shallow and liars. We cannot trust you because of the past, not because of who you are. You know what, don’t even let there be an exception. Change this standard. I don’t want to see one man that is what God intended him to be, I want hundreds, thousands. And this blog wont get that done but heres to wishful thinking. Sitting on my ass wont seem to do much either….i I sit on my ass and type at the same time..? yeah sounds about right.
I think there is something beautiful when a women is whole and complete and a man is strong in the sense of who he is, he is unshakeable in who he is and what he stands for.
That being said…. I can continue with my trip logggg
Wednesday June 9, 2010 continued (3:30) on the plane to oslo. Flight was delayed. Jay and I have been hyper. I took my meds. Im just going to take this as normal or maybe hormones. Or maybe I don’t need to blame it on anything. This is me. This is jenessa. I danced to techno on the plane with jay while recording the whole thing. Beautiful. You know Im really getting to the point where I can recognize beauty in my own life. Like in who I am. I think that’s what makes it so easy to be single. I have a very strong personality. If you have ever pissed me off you will know this. Hehe. Theres my shout out to all you! But I realized that I cannot date someone who has a weaker personality than me. I need someone to bring me up. I am very responsible. I know it never seems that way hahah but I am very capable of taking care of things. I am not afraid to speak to people and figure out the problem an the solution. So I need someone who can do that too. I laugh a lot and I need someone who can keep up with me. I cry a lot and I need someone who will not go to that place to dwell in it but to take me out of it. I need help from time to time. Hahah. Apparently I want to keep talking about relationships because I swerved from this topic and came back to it. This is it for now. Im just adding ‘fluf’ at this point, and this is not my thesis paper. I don’t need fluff. I don’t need proper. Puncuation? You. G.e.t. my point….!
The time is so screwie. Its nearly 4pm in Norway right now but 9am in Minneapolis. I told AJ to be online at 7pm that would mean 2 am right? Im not good with numbers anymore! Well anyways it will be early in the morning. My grandma will be having her surgery today and so prayers lifted up.
Prayers. This is something that trips me up too. People tell me that prayer doesn’t change God but changes us. But I don’t get it. We pray to him so that he changes things. But when we pray WE are the ones changed. Is this some funkie coping thing? I guess its hard because if God already knows how I feel and what goes through my head then why do I tell him. And he wants us to go to him. Is this right? Os my grandma is in the hospital for her surgery and I pray that He would guide their hands. So what if something goes wrong? I have the right to blame God? No because he knew before hand and my praying wasn’t going to change his plan. That’s wat messed me up. To pray or not to pray? And to blame or not to blame? All this shit happens and our automatic response is to blame and find a cause for it. Why did I have to have a head injury? Why did I hate my body? Why couldn’t God just make me whole to start out with and I could have problems like tying my shoes instead. That could be my one downfall. Or that I liked to kick over lawn knobs. Huh? That would have been a lot better than personality conflicts and broken hearts. But when the ‘fall’ happened it was like our eyes were opened up to to depths of evil and the heights of love. I feel that in the garden everything was amazing. And after the garden everything was amazing too, but there was pain. But that pain made you appreciate the love. I know how much love means because I know what its like to not have it. To be abandoned. And its like God said to me just wait. Im doing this because I want you. Im doing this because you wont want me if I don’t. maybe I am wrong. I usually am. I just know that God isn’t some puppet master. And I sure hope he doesn’t smell like one. Hunter had asked me if God is greated than an earthly dad, and an earthly dad would never inflict pain on their child, then why does god? Like my dad wouldn’t throw me in the river filled with sharp rocks and other creepy things. (yes that’s the extent of my descriptiveness right now.) but God had it in my plan that I would have a severe brain injury? How does that work? In the garden when our eyes were more veiled. We probably saw what we needed to. Not all the fluff. I don’t think God intended us to ‘see’ the fact that he has to allow these things to happen to win us over. I think it breaks his heart because he knows it breaks ours. Idk. Im not trying to justify. I just know that God isn’t like that. I know my Gods character, and that’s not it. So there is nothing to justify. I just know that it cannot be evil. I don’t get it, but it is not evil. And apparently I am suppose to rejoice in suffering. So…shall we?
What have I learned about Norway. They have attractive men. And attractive accents. Screw Ireland, Norway is where its at. My uncle johan when he picked me up from the airport told me that I needed my eyes checked and I said noooo! They are beautiful! Hahah! I am hoping that I will learn more hahah!
We are again at the airport. This time we are on our way to Oslo, Norway. I have embraced the inner American in me and have been dancing around the airport all day. Surprise surprise. They have Americans music in the UK. Today we heard Just Dance by yours truly and OMG by usher. We sang that loud and proud. America the beautiful huh? Yesturday I was full of swearing. I was so angry and swearing made it all easier to cope with. Damn shit mother fucker. That sums it all up. Excuse me. I wonder what it would be like to not have use of my legs. Would I still dance? Probably. Shame is such a weird feeling. Ashamed. Is that not what we feel when we do something unusual. It is practically forbidden in our society to do something out of the ordinary. If anyone raises their voices, even in reverance to God, we say they are full of themselves. They want attention. Well then let us all raise our silence to our God and let the rocks cry out. Do me a favor and do something reckless today. the world is in great need of some laughter.
Thinking about my post yesturday… I feel that I have a strong opinion about gender roles. And since this is my blog I will voice my opinion, whether you wanted to or not, because I don’t have a comment button so I don’t have to hear your complaints. =] love ya! ← that makes up for it all right?
To all the girls out there. Shut up. We all know you want to talk about yourself. We all know. Listen please. We have silenced our men and made ourselves greater than them. Respect. And you will be respected as well. Love yourself. Do not look for it in other things. And when you understand yourself and what it is that you want, then you can lead and be respected. I am not feminist and not anti feminist. The feminist movement was created to give women equal opportunity. Which is great! But what the feminist movement stood for and what it occomplished are two totatally different things. We put ourselves at the same leval as all men. I am sorry, but if we cant control our moods at that time of the month, we cannot control a country. Women have a right to edjucation just as much as men do. And we have a right to our opinion just as men do. And that’s what is beautiful about the movement because it gave us what we have now. But it went too far. Now we have people saying, women either need to stay at home and clean or they need to run the country. Hey I have a wild idea, lets let them decide. But please ladies, keep in mind that the man is the head and deserves respect. It is our fault the man is portrayed as the slob that just grabs ass and comes home drunk, to his family who has no relationship with him, after his factory job. We have turned you into this monster.
And to all the men in this bidness…. Prove us wrong. We think you are all full of shit. Prove us wrong. You have what it takes inside you to sweep any girl off her feet so be confident, not cocky (because that’s insecurity) your big ego will not make up for the fact that you cant deal with feelings because your father beat you. Sorry men. And also be the exeption. Like in “hes not really into you” or whatever its called. We say all men are heartbreakers and are shallow and liars. We cannot trust you because of the past, not because of who you are. You know what, don’t even let there be an exception. Change this standard. I don’t want to see one man that is what God intended him to be, I want hundreds, thousands. And this blog wont get that done but heres to wishful thinking. Sitting on my ass wont seem to do much either….i I sit on my ass and type at the same time..? yeah sounds about right.
I think there is something beautiful when a women is whole and complete and a man is strong in the sense of who he is, he is unshakeable in who he is and what he stands for.
That being said…. I can continue with my trip logggg
Wednesday June 9, 2010 continued (3:30) on the plane to oslo. Flight was delayed. Jay and I have been hyper. I took my meds. Im just going to take this as normal or maybe hormones. Or maybe I don’t need to blame it on anything. This is me. This is jenessa. I danced to techno on the plane with jay while recording the whole thing. Beautiful. You know Im really getting to the point where I can recognize beauty in my own life. Like in who I am. I think that’s what makes it so easy to be single. I have a very strong personality. If you have ever pissed me off you will know this. Hehe. Theres my shout out to all you! But I realized that I cannot date someone who has a weaker personality than me. I need someone to bring me up. I am very responsible. I know it never seems that way hahah but I am very capable of taking care of things. I am not afraid to speak to people and figure out the problem an the solution. So I need someone who can do that too. I laugh a lot and I need someone who can keep up with me. I cry a lot and I need someone who will not go to that place to dwell in it but to take me out of it. I need help from time to time. Hahah. Apparently I want to keep talking about relationships because I swerved from this topic and came back to it. This is it for now. Im just adding ‘fluf’ at this point, and this is not my thesis paper. I don’t need fluff. I don’t need proper. Puncuation? You. G.e.t. my point….!
The time is so screwie. Its nearly 4pm in Norway right now but 9am in Minneapolis. I told AJ to be online at 7pm that would mean 2 am right? Im not good with numbers anymore! Well anyways it will be early in the morning. My grandma will be having her surgery today and so prayers lifted up.
Prayers. This is something that trips me up too. People tell me that prayer doesn’t change God but changes us. But I don’t get it. We pray to him so that he changes things. But when we pray WE are the ones changed. Is this some funkie coping thing? I guess its hard because if God already knows how I feel and what goes through my head then why do I tell him. And he wants us to go to him. Is this right? Os my grandma is in the hospital for her surgery and I pray that He would guide their hands. So what if something goes wrong? I have the right to blame God? No because he knew before hand and my praying wasn’t going to change his plan. That’s wat messed me up. To pray or not to pray? And to blame or not to blame? All this shit happens and our automatic response is to blame and find a cause for it. Why did I have to have a head injury? Why did I hate my body? Why couldn’t God just make me whole to start out with and I could have problems like tying my shoes instead. That could be my one downfall. Or that I liked to kick over lawn knobs. Huh? That would have been a lot better than personality conflicts and broken hearts. But when the ‘fall’ happened it was like our eyes were opened up to to depths of evil and the heights of love. I feel that in the garden everything was amazing. And after the garden everything was amazing too, but there was pain. But that pain made you appreciate the love. I know how much love means because I know what its like to not have it. To be abandoned. And its like God said to me just wait. Im doing this because I want you. Im doing this because you wont want me if I don’t. maybe I am wrong. I usually am. I just know that God isn’t some puppet master. And I sure hope he doesn’t smell like one. Hunter had asked me if God is greated than an earthly dad, and an earthly dad would never inflict pain on their child, then why does god? Like my dad wouldn’t throw me in the river filled with sharp rocks and other creepy things. (yes that’s the extent of my descriptiveness right now.) but God had it in my plan that I would have a severe brain injury? How does that work? In the garden when our eyes were more veiled. We probably saw what we needed to. Not all the fluff. I don’t think God intended us to ‘see’ the fact that he has to allow these things to happen to win us over. I think it breaks his heart because he knows it breaks ours. Idk. Im not trying to justify. I just know that God isn’t like that. I know my Gods character, and that’s not it. So there is nothing to justify. I just know that it cannot be evil. I don’t get it, but it is not evil. And apparently I am suppose to rejoice in suffering. So…shall we?
What have I learned about Norway. They have attractive men. And attractive accents. Screw Ireland, Norway is where its at. My uncle johan when he picked me up from the airport told me that I needed my eyes checked and I said noooo! They are beautiful! Hahah! I am hoping that I will learn more hahah!
6.08.2010
bread makes you skinny, carrots make you fat.
Monday June 7, 2010
Make a promise to me now, reassure my heart somehow, that the love I feel, is so much more real than anything
21:15- on the airplane. Cannot sleep to save my life. I took a handful of sleeping pills before the flight and they seem to not have an effect on me. Tired. So tired. But so uncomfortable. I am excited to get there. The view outside the plane is beautiful. We have about 4 hours left. I don’t know if I can do it! I might take a sleep aide and try again. When I got on the flight my arm rest broke off so I have no way of reclining my seat or turning things on and off. I am fine with this. I do not think that my seat reclining 2 inches would help anything at all.
I miss people. I will be strong. I will be independent.
Tuesday June 8, 2010
We arrive in Iceland at 6am their time (midnight ours) I feel already adjusted to the time. We had a rocky start.
1. going to the wrong airport (saw an old friend of mine that works security and he helped us out)
2. we get on the plane and my armrest is broken along with all the electronical things with my chair. Don’t worry…they taped it up. And shuved the rest under my seat.
3. We arrive and hand the passports to customs and he informs us that we have 5 passports. There are 6 of us. This is an “oh shit” moment. We search everything and we have nothing. Jorgina is officially and illegal alien. Bahah. But seriously it was scary. We didn’t know if we could leave the airport or if we had to go back to Minneapolis. The man said he had no heart to send us back or leave us there so he gave us the USA embassy address and we made our way over there praying to dear jesus that we can stay.
As of now, 15:34, we are sitting at the airport with jorgina….on our way to London with a new ‘emergency’ passport.
Thoughts.
Not a lot. Ive been totally crabby or out of it the majority of this time. I do not feel fat today. I do not feel much of anything today. i am some girl in the airport that is listening to her ipod and might possibly be American. I mean nothing to the people here except for the 5 other ones with me who are just as wreckless and immature as I am. On the plane, when the woman was speaking icelantic, my dad said, “why does it sound like she keeps saying ‘shut the fuck up’?”
So far everyone has understood me when I explain my allergies. A man today was so kind about it and he would bring the food and say….can you have cheese? I would shake my head….he would go downstairs….come back up…can you eat mushrooms?....no…..downstairs….and no gluten?....yep!....i am so sorry!....ohh you are fine!.... here you go.
And….it was so good! I went down and thanked him afterward. It was so weird but soooo good!
Ive been thinking a lot about relationships lately. Why is it that I do not have a boyfriend? Is it because of the risk? I have to take the chance. If I do not, I will never have relationships. Its all about giving the person every chance to destroy you and knowing they wont. You will get hurt. I cant deny myself that. It will happen. It does happen. And its hard. But that’s the risk. I will give you just enough about myself to tear me into pieces, and I will trust that you wont. And when you do. I will cry. I will be a puddle. Hah! So why does this seem so desirable? I don’t know yet. Yet. Such a promising word for such an uncertain thing. For right now, I am in Europe. I am no able to contact anyone in America, so will not worry about relationships in America. I know being here gives me mountains of time to think, but I would rather worry about it when it comes. Right now, there are no relationships pending status. I have friends and very good friends. I will not pursue, I will be pursued. And I need things spelled out to me. I will either assume or be completely oblivious. It’s a wonderful life, I live. Wonderful. But then I also wonder… I will not sit back and wait. Right?
Life doesn’t go like that. I don’t pray and wait. I pray and live. I pray and do. And if in doing I mess up. At least I did something. At least I didn’t sit on my butt and assume my life would go by me unharmed.
So what do I do? Act interested? Act? Be interested? But am I pursuing then? What is my role. I will not be the “damsel in distress” because I do not need help. I need a solace. I do not need a hero, I need a friend.
17:41
watching avatar on the flight to London. So weird. Its like they have sex with animals… weird. Tired. Excited to get to London. We will be spending the night in London and then off to Norway. In Norway we will be 8 hours ahead of USA. I will be with miss sommer, neva, julianna, chirstina, and mr. johan rud. I cannot wait to see them. We brought all these crazy things over here like pancake mix and beer. You know, the necessities! My family has been good I think. Its hard to be with them all for so long, im not the only one that has issues.
I love them and I do not need to explain what is wrong. They mess up like all people do. They should not be made into this freakshow. They are amazing people. Sometimes I do not know what to do with them. Or how to treat them. I love them to death but I pray that my family will be able to get along this trip.
We are in London and it is 22:30 I am so tired. I might be able to get on the internet tonight and be able to say hi to everyone! I know that hunter has already written me an email. He wrote me all throughout my last trip to Europe. Without fail. I check my inbox. And there it is. I am able to see my inbox from my phone. But not read them.
Jorgie left about 30 mins ago to get the internet code. I know shes not coming back for a while.
I think expectations are my problem. I either expect nothing or everything. And it totally changes from person to person. I remember when I expected the world out of my ex boyfriend. And he couldn’t do it. But Kendra offers to buy me taco bell and I almost faint with gratitude??? If my ex would have offered me that I probably would have said, “damn.straight” I expect a lot out of my older sister, my brother, my dad, probably bittner as well. So when they do something great I say…well I knew you had it in yourself all along. But then when they mess up I get so irritated. But on the other hand, the ones that I don’t have expectations for…they tend to not piss me off…they also tend to not dissapoint me…but the problem is…why don’t I have expectations of them? Is that right? I think I should trust people but not to either extream as I am doing. I know that I put a lot of expectations into all my ex boyfriends. I expected something great to come from them. I know that hunter felt that. When we broke up I remember him saying that I put him on this pedistal and looked up to him for so much and the only direction he could go was down. The only thing he could do, because of my expectations, was dissapoint me. So what do I do? Lower my expectations, and I end up dating someone who was not good for me. Its like I see my whole life in a line. Instead of separate waves. Hunter is not connected to the next guy on the list. So when the next guy does something that hunter used to do, I cannot get pissed off at that guy. He has no idea. He is not living my life through my eyes. That would be creepy!
I think the reason that I want to start dating again is because I am a very relational person. I love having that companionship, and I want to learn. I want to do the best for someone else. I want to have the best in mind for someone else. I have been feeling so selfish. But I needed to be to figure things out. I just don’t want to complete someone. I don’t want to be your life. I don’t want to be the reason you wake up everymorning. I want you to have that figured out. So please do not find me until you get your shit together! Have a job, have some sort of direction with your life (I don’t care what it is be a mail currior, whatever the hell you want!) and have a reason for the hope you have, I will not be your life, I will not. I cannot. Because I am unstable. You are unstable. I could probably write a song about how much people suck. But I will not complete you because I cannot. I cant fill any sort of longing you have. I can hide it, sure. But I cant heal it. I only make it worse. So when you are complete. When you are lacking nothing. That is when you can come find me. And ill be here. (well not ‘here’ cause right now ‘here’ is London) but you know what I mean. idiot. =]
And for all the girlies out there. Please do not be this sobbing mess. Do not parade around like you are some trophy. If you want to be the trophy wife, you will find a man, and he will treat you like shit, because that’s what you have demanded from him. You will be eye candy and nothing else. You will be the one helping him wack off and that’s it. You might as well sign the divorce papers at the wedding reception. Its not going to last. And no sobb story is going to keep a man at your feet. Feeling sorry for someone is not the same as love.
Wednesday June 9th 2010
00:00 midnight.
it is 6 in minnesota and i know that no one will be on the internet. i am however, connected. here is where my fear lies. will they talk? will they not. so far... i dont want to talk about it.
Make a promise to me now, reassure my heart somehow, that the love I feel, is so much more real than anything
21:15- on the airplane. Cannot sleep to save my life. I took a handful of sleeping pills before the flight and they seem to not have an effect on me. Tired. So tired. But so uncomfortable. I am excited to get there. The view outside the plane is beautiful. We have about 4 hours left. I don’t know if I can do it! I might take a sleep aide and try again. When I got on the flight my arm rest broke off so I have no way of reclining my seat or turning things on and off. I am fine with this. I do not think that my seat reclining 2 inches would help anything at all.
I miss people. I will be strong. I will be independent.
Tuesday June 8, 2010
We arrive in Iceland at 6am their time (midnight ours) I feel already adjusted to the time. We had a rocky start.
1. going to the wrong airport (saw an old friend of mine that works security and he helped us out)
2. we get on the plane and my armrest is broken along with all the electronical things with my chair. Don’t worry…they taped it up. And shuved the rest under my seat.
3. We arrive and hand the passports to customs and he informs us that we have 5 passports. There are 6 of us. This is an “oh shit” moment. We search everything and we have nothing. Jorgina is officially and illegal alien. Bahah. But seriously it was scary. We didn’t know if we could leave the airport or if we had to go back to Minneapolis. The man said he had no heart to send us back or leave us there so he gave us the USA embassy address and we made our way over there praying to dear jesus that we can stay.
As of now, 15:34, we are sitting at the airport with jorgina….on our way to London with a new ‘emergency’ passport.
Thoughts.
Not a lot. Ive been totally crabby or out of it the majority of this time. I do not feel fat today. I do not feel much of anything today. i am some girl in the airport that is listening to her ipod and might possibly be American. I mean nothing to the people here except for the 5 other ones with me who are just as wreckless and immature as I am. On the plane, when the woman was speaking icelantic, my dad said, “why does it sound like she keeps saying ‘shut the fuck up’?”
So far everyone has understood me when I explain my allergies. A man today was so kind about it and he would bring the food and say….can you have cheese? I would shake my head….he would go downstairs….come back up…can you eat mushrooms?....no…..downstairs….and no gluten?....yep!....i am so sorry!....ohh you are fine!.... here you go.
And….it was so good! I went down and thanked him afterward. It was so weird but soooo good!
Ive been thinking a lot about relationships lately. Why is it that I do not have a boyfriend? Is it because of the risk? I have to take the chance. If I do not, I will never have relationships. Its all about giving the person every chance to destroy you and knowing they wont. You will get hurt. I cant deny myself that. It will happen. It does happen. And its hard. But that’s the risk. I will give you just enough about myself to tear me into pieces, and I will trust that you wont. And when you do. I will cry. I will be a puddle. Hah! So why does this seem so desirable? I don’t know yet. Yet. Such a promising word for such an uncertain thing. For right now, I am in Europe. I am no able to contact anyone in America, so will not worry about relationships in America. I know being here gives me mountains of time to think, but I would rather worry about it when it comes. Right now, there are no relationships pending status. I have friends and very good friends. I will not pursue, I will be pursued. And I need things spelled out to me. I will either assume or be completely oblivious. It’s a wonderful life, I live. Wonderful. But then I also wonder… I will not sit back and wait. Right?
Life doesn’t go like that. I don’t pray and wait. I pray and live. I pray and do. And if in doing I mess up. At least I did something. At least I didn’t sit on my butt and assume my life would go by me unharmed.
So what do I do? Act interested? Act? Be interested? But am I pursuing then? What is my role. I will not be the “damsel in distress” because I do not need help. I need a solace. I do not need a hero, I need a friend.
17:41
watching avatar on the flight to London. So weird. Its like they have sex with animals… weird. Tired. Excited to get to London. We will be spending the night in London and then off to Norway. In Norway we will be 8 hours ahead of USA. I will be with miss sommer, neva, julianna, chirstina, and mr. johan rud. I cannot wait to see them. We brought all these crazy things over here like pancake mix and beer. You know, the necessities! My family has been good I think. Its hard to be with them all for so long, im not the only one that has issues.
I love them and I do not need to explain what is wrong. They mess up like all people do. They should not be made into this freakshow. They are amazing people. Sometimes I do not know what to do with them. Or how to treat them. I love them to death but I pray that my family will be able to get along this trip.
We are in London and it is 22:30 I am so tired. I might be able to get on the internet tonight and be able to say hi to everyone! I know that hunter has already written me an email. He wrote me all throughout my last trip to Europe. Without fail. I check my inbox. And there it is. I am able to see my inbox from my phone. But not read them.
Jorgie left about 30 mins ago to get the internet code. I know shes not coming back for a while.
I think expectations are my problem. I either expect nothing or everything. And it totally changes from person to person. I remember when I expected the world out of my ex boyfriend. And he couldn’t do it. But Kendra offers to buy me taco bell and I almost faint with gratitude??? If my ex would have offered me that I probably would have said, “damn.straight” I expect a lot out of my older sister, my brother, my dad, probably bittner as well. So when they do something great I say…well I knew you had it in yourself all along. But then when they mess up I get so irritated. But on the other hand, the ones that I don’t have expectations for…they tend to not piss me off…they also tend to not dissapoint me…but the problem is…why don’t I have expectations of them? Is that right? I think I should trust people but not to either extream as I am doing. I know that I put a lot of expectations into all my ex boyfriends. I expected something great to come from them. I know that hunter felt that. When we broke up I remember him saying that I put him on this pedistal and looked up to him for so much and the only direction he could go was down. The only thing he could do, because of my expectations, was dissapoint me. So what do I do? Lower my expectations, and I end up dating someone who was not good for me. Its like I see my whole life in a line. Instead of separate waves. Hunter is not connected to the next guy on the list. So when the next guy does something that hunter used to do, I cannot get pissed off at that guy. He has no idea. He is not living my life through my eyes. That would be creepy!
I think the reason that I want to start dating again is because I am a very relational person. I love having that companionship, and I want to learn. I want to do the best for someone else. I want to have the best in mind for someone else. I have been feeling so selfish. But I needed to be to figure things out. I just don’t want to complete someone. I don’t want to be your life. I don’t want to be the reason you wake up everymorning. I want you to have that figured out. So please do not find me until you get your shit together! Have a job, have some sort of direction with your life (I don’t care what it is be a mail currior, whatever the hell you want!) and have a reason for the hope you have, I will not be your life, I will not. I cannot. Because I am unstable. You are unstable. I could probably write a song about how much people suck. But I will not complete you because I cannot. I cant fill any sort of longing you have. I can hide it, sure. But I cant heal it. I only make it worse. So when you are complete. When you are lacking nothing. That is when you can come find me. And ill be here. (well not ‘here’ cause right now ‘here’ is London) but you know what I mean. idiot. =]
And for all the girlies out there. Please do not be this sobbing mess. Do not parade around like you are some trophy. If you want to be the trophy wife, you will find a man, and he will treat you like shit, because that’s what you have demanded from him. You will be eye candy and nothing else. You will be the one helping him wack off and that’s it. You might as well sign the divorce papers at the wedding reception. Its not going to last. And no sobb story is going to keep a man at your feet. Feeling sorry for someone is not the same as love.
Wednesday June 9th 2010
00:00 midnight.
it is 6 in minnesota and i know that no one will be on the internet. i am however, connected. here is where my fear lies. will they talk? will they not. so far... i dont want to talk about it.
6.05.2010
spice girls were liars.
my thoughts on graduation/casino
weird. ill start off with the casino.
so dirty. everything that was on me reaks of smoke and booze. i feel like everyone scared me. no one was having a good time, everyone was wanting a good time. waiting for it. like it was going to just happen if they kept playing slots.
scary. all these crusty old men. REally? did you really think that i would jump at a chance to spend a night with you old man? Really?
i wore a skirt. bad idea.
i was under 200 lbs. bad idea.
i showered. bad idea
i smelt nice. BAD IDEA.
even one of the guys i knew was hitting on me. he kept calling me sweetie and telling me, "you do a good job. im too wasted. you take good care of me."
FUCK YOU! get out of my face. i didnt come here with you, im not leaving with you.
ugh makes me feel so pride in the human race. its just a filthy place. i hated it. im never going back again. i had the experience and its still ringing in my ears. stinking up my clothes.
graduation.
so strange.
i feel nothing.
not yet at least.
i had the opportunity to go to about 15 grad parties today annnd i stayed home. granted i had to pack, but i also felt no desire to go. the one thing that was pushing me was the box of grad gifts i have kept in the corner of my room since they day i bought them. there will always be graduates to give those to...
i think i know a list of people i will miss. i definitly know people i wish i said more too.
owen- you are bettter than what people say you are. they see you as trash and you know it, but you have a heart of gold that no one will be able to have.
katie v- people suck and you and i know that for sure, youve been through hell and back and you are still smiling and you are gunna find people that will love you even tho you have a brain injury. i love you. please dont give up. life wouldnt be worth it if you ever killed yourself. keep trying
gina- you have shown me so much hope. and creativity. my lord, so much creativity. i will never forget you. i couldnt.
will - you are just so sexy.thanks for being my prom date. youve always been there for me too. i knew i could count on you.
paul- thanks for understanding that theres more than one side to christianity.
regee- dont kill yourself ever. dont try ever again. stop cutting, stop starving. you are better than that. i see so much of myself in you. so much struggle. but do not let it get the best of you. you are more than your body.
jb- im sorry all that stuff happened freshman year. i feel like we could have been this close all 4 years if it wasnt for that. you give me hope in the male race. bah!
kendra, allison, taylor, mack,sam - i love you. like i cant say anymore than that.
reid- thanks for letting me hit on you everyday in art. it made 3rd block so much better
bittner- sometimes you frustrate me, and sometimes i love you more than anything. but ill always be glad youa re in my life.
brooke b- we go wayyy back im glad your in my life you taught me i dont know anything about anyone else
ellie h- you are one of the most beautiful girls i have ever met.
emily m- i love your clothing. and your pretty cool too
taylor t- omg you make me laugh.
thats all i have for now.
maybe i will miss you guys sometime.
but as for now.
im going shopping.
weird. ill start off with the casino.
so dirty. everything that was on me reaks of smoke and booze. i feel like everyone scared me. no one was having a good time, everyone was wanting a good time. waiting for it. like it was going to just happen if they kept playing slots.
scary. all these crusty old men. REally? did you really think that i would jump at a chance to spend a night with you old man? Really?
i wore a skirt. bad idea.
i was under 200 lbs. bad idea.
i showered. bad idea
i smelt nice. BAD IDEA.
even one of the guys i knew was hitting on me. he kept calling me sweetie and telling me, "you do a good job. im too wasted. you take good care of me."
FUCK YOU! get out of my face. i didnt come here with you, im not leaving with you.
ugh makes me feel so pride in the human race. its just a filthy place. i hated it. im never going back again. i had the experience and its still ringing in my ears. stinking up my clothes.
graduation.
so strange.
i feel nothing.
not yet at least.
i had the opportunity to go to about 15 grad parties today annnd i stayed home. granted i had to pack, but i also felt no desire to go. the one thing that was pushing me was the box of grad gifts i have kept in the corner of my room since they day i bought them. there will always be graduates to give those to...
i think i know a list of people i will miss. i definitly know people i wish i said more too.
owen- you are bettter than what people say you are. they see you as trash and you know it, but you have a heart of gold that no one will be able to have.
katie v- people suck and you and i know that for sure, youve been through hell and back and you are still smiling and you are gunna find people that will love you even tho you have a brain injury. i love you. please dont give up. life wouldnt be worth it if you ever killed yourself. keep trying
gina- you have shown me so much hope. and creativity. my lord, so much creativity. i will never forget you. i couldnt.
will - you are just so sexy.thanks for being my prom date. youve always been there for me too. i knew i could count on you.
paul- thanks for understanding that theres more than one side to christianity.
regee- dont kill yourself ever. dont try ever again. stop cutting, stop starving. you are better than that. i see so much of myself in you. so much struggle. but do not let it get the best of you. you are more than your body.
jb- im sorry all that stuff happened freshman year. i feel like we could have been this close all 4 years if it wasnt for that. you give me hope in the male race. bah!
kendra, allison, taylor, mack,sam - i love you. like i cant say anymore than that.
reid- thanks for letting me hit on you everyday in art. it made 3rd block so much better
bittner- sometimes you frustrate me, and sometimes i love you more than anything. but ill always be glad youa re in my life.
brooke b- we go wayyy back im glad your in my life you taught me i dont know anything about anyone else
ellie h- you are one of the most beautiful girls i have ever met.
emily m- i love your clothing. and your pretty cool too
taylor t- omg you make me laugh.
thats all i have for now.
maybe i will miss you guys sometime.
but as for now.
im going shopping.
6.03.2010
where do babies come from?
world traveler....
I'm leaving monday June 7th at 4:00pm. 19 days total
arrive at iceland at 6:00am (their time) midnight our time
8th - Iceland
9th- London
10th- Norway
11th- Norway
12the- Dover England
13th- sea
14th- Oslo, Norway
15th- Denmark
16th- Germany/Berlin
17th- Sea
18th- Russia
19th- Russia
20th- Finland
21st- Sweeden
22nd- sea
23th- sea
24th- Dover England
25th- London
26th- London
(from the 12th to the 24th i will be on a ship...)
it will be about 50-70 degrees there
8 hours ahead most places... best time for me to talk to anyone is probably...1 or 2pm our time (9 or 10pm london time) or 10pm (6am)...whatevers it will work out.
i will forsure have wifi on the ship. but i am unsure about everywhere else. i have email on my phone so i will always be able to do that. skype and fb chat will happen everyday except iceland, and the days in london...as far as i know. so everyone will be able to reach me somehow. but i promised kendra i would not spend my time missing people. This is a once in a lifetime thing and i am not going to regret a minute of it.
i just needed to process all this.
I'm leaving monday June 7th at 4:00pm. 19 days total
arrive at iceland at 6:00am (their time) midnight our time
8th - Iceland
9th- London
10th- Norway
11th- Norway
12the- Dover England
13th- sea
14th- Oslo, Norway
15th- Denmark
16th- Germany/Berlin
17th- Sea
18th- Russia
19th- Russia
20th- Finland
21st- Sweeden
22nd- sea
23th- sea
24th- Dover England
25th- London
26th- London
(from the 12th to the 24th i will be on a ship...)
it will be about 50-70 degrees there
8 hours ahead most places... best time for me to talk to anyone is probably...1 or 2pm our time (9 or 10pm london time) or 10pm (6am)...whatevers it will work out.
i will forsure have wifi on the ship. but i am unsure about everywhere else. i have email on my phone so i will always be able to do that. skype and fb chat will happen everyday except iceland, and the days in london...as far as i know. so everyone will be able to reach me somehow. but i promised kendra i would not spend my time missing people. This is a once in a lifetime thing and i am not going to regret a minute of it.
i just needed to process all this.
6.02.2010
I want a RUDE BOY
when you plan for your future, you usually dont add "life sentence" in the options column.
just saying.
im starving right now. not literally starving... but i like to say that to overemphasise the fact that im hungry. I get very sick in the mornings and its hard for me to keep things down then. but im ready for food right now. mac is getting me lunch from noodles and that will be grrreeeaat.
im sitting in study hall in my last day of highschool and the longer im here the more i convince myself that im younger. today i said to myself...this isnt right...your not reallly graduating. you are definitely toooo young.
im ready to move on though. theres always going to be the people that i cant stand, but im ready for a new batch of them. im getting sick of these ones. the stale drama. the smell. its getting old. I feel that in graduating, i can take what i want from Concordia. I can take all the good things and thrive off that and i can leave all the bad. i can lose the idiots, keep the friends.
i do not want to spend a minute reliving the past though. I will not be the person that watches home videos of their sports highlights.
I feel that for me to grow up is going to be much harder than alot of people. I have bipolar so there are times that i am very immature. i am the strongest woman you will know, but you can break me in a second. i want so badly to be off on my own, but i cant be alone. i dont feel that being in college will bring my eating disorder back, but i dont know whats going to happen... i like to think im stronger than that.
i have that feeling in the pit of my stomach. hunger. something that I use to love. i would tell my body...just eat yourself...im not feeding you. it felt like a fire that consumed me. a hole that left me. when i would get this feeling i would pour down some diet coke, cucumbers, and mustard down into that deep hole. lightheaded. woooozie. out.
A day in my life a year ago consisted of this....
10:00 Coffee. black. (0 calories)
12:00 Lettuce. Cucumbers. Broccoli. salad dressing. (100 calories)
3:00 rice cakes. 2. (60 calories)
6:00 applesauce. unsweetened. wafer crackers. 1/2 a fruit (250 calories)
i wouldnt start eating until 10 or 11 so that i could go longer without food. to me, the kitchen closed at 7:00. if i went over my 500 calorie limit.....exercise....running....2 hours.
it was sick. it was a waste. i was a waste. i knew that all i was doing was taking up space (which i was) and the only way to fix it was to get smaller. the addiction gets so strong.
i would never have known the greatest joy, if i did not know the greatest pain.
just saying.
im starving right now. not literally starving... but i like to say that to overemphasise the fact that im hungry. I get very sick in the mornings and its hard for me to keep things down then. but im ready for food right now. mac is getting me lunch from noodles and that will be grrreeeaat.
im sitting in study hall in my last day of highschool and the longer im here the more i convince myself that im younger. today i said to myself...this isnt right...your not reallly graduating. you are definitely toooo young.
im ready to move on though. theres always going to be the people that i cant stand, but im ready for a new batch of them. im getting sick of these ones. the stale drama. the smell. its getting old. I feel that in graduating, i can take what i want from Concordia. I can take all the good things and thrive off that and i can leave all the bad. i can lose the idiots, keep the friends.
i do not want to spend a minute reliving the past though. I will not be the person that watches home videos of their sports highlights.
I feel that for me to grow up is going to be much harder than alot of people. I have bipolar so there are times that i am very immature. i am the strongest woman you will know, but you can break me in a second. i want so badly to be off on my own, but i cant be alone. i dont feel that being in college will bring my eating disorder back, but i dont know whats going to happen... i like to think im stronger than that.
i have that feeling in the pit of my stomach. hunger. something that I use to love. i would tell my body...just eat yourself...im not feeding you. it felt like a fire that consumed me. a hole that left me. when i would get this feeling i would pour down some diet coke, cucumbers, and mustard down into that deep hole. lightheaded. woooozie. out.
A day in my life a year ago consisted of this....
10:00 Coffee. black. (0 calories)
12:00 Lettuce. Cucumbers. Broccoli. salad dressing. (100 calories)
3:00 rice cakes. 2. (60 calories)
6:00 applesauce. unsweetened. wafer crackers. 1/2 a fruit (250 calories)
i wouldnt start eating until 10 or 11 so that i could go longer without food. to me, the kitchen closed at 7:00. if i went over my 500 calorie limit.....exercise....running....2 hours.
it was sick. it was a waste. i was a waste. i knew that all i was doing was taking up space (which i was) and the only way to fix it was to get smaller. the addiction gets so strong.
i would never have known the greatest joy, if i did not know the greatest pain.
What rhymes with missouri?
big day today!
actually its not but i keep telling myself it is so i can be excited. its going to be a major let down when i go to sleep tonight and realize there was nothing big about today.
but maybe thats how i should act? maybe i should take everyday like its huge. days of our lives. i almost said that in chapel yesterday... instead i said years of our lives. BAH!
im on my period now, i usually dont act much different. i get emotional easily. i complain. i eat chocolate. thats about it. i dont get mad or crabby, and i dont explode on people. i just mostly cuddle.
Ive been really missing Andrew lately. i havnt been able to talk to him for a while. i want to record so bad with him again. his family is so amazing. i think i might see if i can sleepover at his house Thursday night.
last night my grandpa sent me a gift in the mail. he records me singing on a tape recorder all the time and he put them all on a cassette for me. it was the cutest thing ever and i cried when i heard it. it wasnt that he spent money on the postage, or spent so much time on making something, it was that he rejoiced in something about me. it was like i possess something that is beautiful to him, and he delights in it, even more than that...he obsesses about it. enough to beg me to sing to him every time i see him {last time i came i forgot to bring a guitar so he went out and asked around the neighborhood to see if i could use their guitar} enough to record it on the one thing he has, enough to tape it so he can listen to it in the car every day, and enough to send it to me because i have an older car and i might not have a CD player.
My grandpa was an alcoholic all his life but he just taught me one of the most important lessons. that im worth it. that i have beauty and its not the fleeting kind. its the kind that is given and taken that can be shared to so many and can multiply.
Will talked to me yesterday about how he likes girls to have a little meat on them. he also made a very interesting face when he said it. it was a face that really made me believe him. its like as long as i am healthy and taking care of my body, my body will be attractive. my body will be good enough. its so simple.
if you A then B
A. Take care of your body
B. You feel better, look better, are more happy
A. love yourself
B. you give others the chance to love you
but if you...
a. starve yourself
b. you become a twig and are unattractive to everyone
i dont get how it took me so long to understand this. I have a beauty that is worth it. one that is going to stay and not get old and saggie (and musky smelling).
i also decided that this is how i should be treated. by anyone. in a relationship i need someone who is like minded and can see that beauty is not skin deep.
i made an art project and it was a mess of paint over a cardboard box. i wrote on it "the I of the beholder". and "We cant all be blind" I believe that it is in each one of us to decide what we believe and that is what shapes who we are and the decisions we make. its your decision what is beauty and what isnt. but you need to make the choice of be blind or not.
I need someone that sees me for who i am. not for bipolar. not for brain injury. not for ED. thats my body. thats not me. i am so much more than bipolar.
bipolar is something you check on webmd and see the symptoms.
Jenessa is not something you can check there.
i am not a stereo type. i am an individual. and in the face of conflict... i will be Jenessa.
im on my period now, i usually dont act much different. i get emotional easily. i complain. i eat chocolate. thats about it. i dont get mad or crabby, and i dont explode on people. i just mostly cuddle.
Ive been really missing Andrew lately. i havnt been able to talk to him for a while. i want to record so bad with him again. his family is so amazing. i think i might see if i can sleepover at his house Thursday night.
last night my grandpa sent me a gift in the mail. he records me singing on a tape recorder all the time and he put them all on a cassette for me. it was the cutest thing ever and i cried when i heard it. it wasnt that he spent money on the postage, or spent so much time on making something, it was that he rejoiced in something about me. it was like i possess something that is beautiful to him, and he delights in it, even more than that...he obsesses about it. enough to beg me to sing to him every time i see him {last time i came i forgot to bring a guitar so he went out and asked around the neighborhood to see if i could use their guitar} enough to record it on the one thing he has, enough to tape it so he can listen to it in the car every day, and enough to send it to me because i have an older car and i might not have a CD player.
My grandpa was an alcoholic all his life but he just taught me one of the most important lessons. that im worth it. that i have beauty and its not the fleeting kind. its the kind that is given and taken that can be shared to so many and can multiply.
Will talked to me yesterday about how he likes girls to have a little meat on them. he also made a very interesting face when he said it. it was a face that really made me believe him. its like as long as i am healthy and taking care of my body, my body will be attractive. my body will be good enough. its so simple.
if you A then B
A. Take care of your body
B. You feel better, look better, are more happy
A. love yourself
B. you give others the chance to love you
but if you...
a. starve yourself
b. you become a twig and are unattractive to everyone
i dont get how it took me so long to understand this. I have a beauty that is worth it. one that is going to stay and not get old and saggie (and musky smelling).
i also decided that this is how i should be treated. by anyone. in a relationship i need someone who is like minded and can see that beauty is not skin deep.
i made an art project and it was a mess of paint over a cardboard box. i wrote on it "the I of the beholder". and "We cant all be blind" I believe that it is in each one of us to decide what we believe and that is what shapes who we are and the decisions we make. its your decision what is beauty and what isnt. but you need to make the choice of be blind or not.
I need someone that sees me for who i am. not for bipolar. not for brain injury. not for ED. thats my body. thats not me. i am so much more than bipolar.
bipolar is something you check on webmd and see the symptoms.
Jenessa is not something you can check there.
i am not a stereo type. i am an individual. and in the face of conflict... i will be Jenessa.