highlight of my day was finding a piano in eddie and gladys garage. but even this does not compare to my encounter with eddie today. i took them to como zoo to walk around the lake and see a concert in the park. It was a memorial day service and the whole walk to the pavilion eddie was telling me how much he loves Sousa (spelling?) but the guy that made all those marching band songs. so eddie is beyond excited...glady was pissed and complained the whole way and i explained how big the world is and how little the clouds are. and all this time they seemed so big! well we get there and they are giving a salute to and eddie stands up with all the rest of the veterans.... so all the people came by him and said how they were so greatful for his service to america. i didnt have to heart to get him because he had the biggest smile on his face. this was followed by him going up to the conductor in the middle of his speech and asking if he had ever gone to a gopher game. yep. the conductor stopped after eddie had been standing there for 10 mins and he asked him what he needed and there was eddie in front of hundreds of people with that big smile on his face stopping the whole memorial day concert. i was so proud of him. the crowd laughed and people were very embarrassed for him but when he came back to the spot i gave him a high five and told him hes awesome. the last song eddie gave them a private standing ovation where he "conducted" the entire song. people were starring so i stood up right next to him and helped him conduct. by the time we had left, we met everyone in the park that had a dog or a small child.
beautiful.
they see everything in the eyes of eternity. i believe this. you may say they live in the moment with no recognition of time and space. but they live. without.
the live without fear. and i believe that is living in eternity.
to simply live. that would be wonderful. wishful thinking is dead. only actions count now. the American dream was great until it was only a dream. we dont have nice things to hang our hats on now. we cant keep saying its going to get better. we have to get better.
im leaving for Europe in 7 days
i graduate in 4
i get into honors in 2
i go to sleep now
5.31.2010
when did bitch become a bad word
it is currently 3:17 in the am on monday morning. i would like to be the first person to wish you a happy memorial day. and by "i would like to be" i mean " i am socially obligated to" and by "happy memorial day" i meant "say something that takes up room on the blog"
for some reason i really feel like i dont need to catch anyone up on my life. soooo deallll. allison and kendra are currently sleeping in my living room on the pull out bed. i made allison popcorn and she ate about 1/18 of the bowl... cute.
i am in need of watching a great movie. something that will make me contemplate life and think that i need to change my ways, settle down, become a professional yoga teacher, and travel the world. i need some kind of paradigm like that.
today was "up" but i wouldnt say manic. i was too tired to be manic. i was just...good. restless. defenceless.
i think that can be a good place to be. i havnt been in the middle for quite some time now and it makes me think that medication is a good thing.
i dont ever want to settle. i dont know why this blog has turned into some type of relationship venting...but its my blog and popular opinion doesnt govern this. I do watevadafukiwant.
i dont know what it is that keeps me from relationships. i like to leave myself at an arms length. not to close, but not to far away. there you go. you figured me all out. huh?
sporadic. so. then. theres the whole thing called commitment. honesty. integrity. anddddddd
bipolar.
one day i will expect the world from you and the other i will believe you are the greatest thing. one day i will be inappropriate and the next, a saint.
people dont bend and flow like that. people dont flex and relax with me. people are hard and stone and brick.
i've always had this assumption that whoever it is will find me. he will pursue me. he will try. the guy is the leader... he is in control... i dont carry leashes with me. im not going to babysit you... so grow up and take care of me. hah! women are so great at demasculitizing men. we give you no standards, no expectations, and No room for respect. we say you know nothing, you are lazy, anything you can do i can do better. how could any respectable man do anything else than cower in the corner, when all the women in the world have a knife in one hand and balls in the other.
Grow up. submit golly darnbits! im tired. night.
for some reason i really feel like i dont need to catch anyone up on my life. soooo deallll. allison and kendra are currently sleeping in my living room on the pull out bed. i made allison popcorn and she ate about 1/18 of the bowl... cute.
i am in need of watching a great movie. something that will make me contemplate life and think that i need to change my ways, settle down, become a professional yoga teacher, and travel the world. i need some kind of paradigm like that.
today was "up" but i wouldnt say manic. i was too tired to be manic. i was just...good. restless. defenceless.
i think that can be a good place to be. i havnt been in the middle for quite some time now and it makes me think that medication is a good thing.
i dont ever want to settle. i dont know why this blog has turned into some type of relationship venting...but its my blog and popular opinion doesnt govern this. I do watevadafukiwant.
i dont know what it is that keeps me from relationships. i like to leave myself at an arms length. not to close, but not to far away. there you go. you figured me all out. huh?
sporadic. so. then. theres the whole thing called commitment. honesty. integrity. anddddddd
bipolar.
one day i will expect the world from you and the other i will believe you are the greatest thing. one day i will be inappropriate and the next, a saint.
people dont bend and flow like that. people dont flex and relax with me. people are hard and stone and brick.
i've always had this assumption that whoever it is will find me. he will pursue me. he will try. the guy is the leader... he is in control... i dont carry leashes with me. im not going to babysit you... so grow up and take care of me. hah! women are so great at demasculitizing men. we give you no standards, no expectations, and No room for respect. we say you know nothing, you are lazy, anything you can do i can do better. how could any respectable man do anything else than cower in the corner, when all the women in the world have a knife in one hand and balls in the other.
Grow up. submit golly darnbits! im tired. night.
5.29.2010
trust is something that happens when your head is in the clouds and your heart doesnt matter
i cant sleep right now. im tired of all the playing around. i like things in black and white. these funky greys got me tangled up. i want to start over. just a new life. i wish there was no recollection of what happened. no recognition in their eyes. that they couldnt say this always happens, and i couldnt say i should have known.
getting walked over is something i am very good at. i allow you to be apart of my life, i invite you in because i think you are a human as well and if i share enough of myself, maybe i give you just enough to make it. but i wish i could start over and be harsh so i know i wont be treated this way. i wish i could go back and tell you not to do this.
forgiveness is something i use loosely. you dont ever deserve it.
i trusted you, i thought you were different, but these highs and lows are too much. my family is worried. you give me this. you are the same as they all have been, and just the fact that you say you're different then all the rest makes you the exact same as them all.
getting walked over is something i am very good at. i allow you to be apart of my life, i invite you in because i think you are a human as well and if i share enough of myself, maybe i give you just enough to make it. but i wish i could start over and be harsh so i know i wont be treated this way. i wish i could go back and tell you not to do this.
forgiveness is something i use loosely. you dont ever deserve it.
i trusted you, i thought you were different, but these highs and lows are too much. my family is worried. you give me this. you are the same as they all have been, and just the fact that you say you're different then all the rest makes you the exact same as them all.
nothing says christmas dinner like vaginal yeast infections
i was driving to my cabin today. which means i have to pass by my ex boyfriends house. i was thinking about it almost the whole time i was driving up. unforgiven.
i have been trying to be right with him for a long time now. we dated for 2 years and theres alot we need to talk about like...
why did you think it was okay to promise me you wouldnt break my heart.
why did you think it was okay to promise me anything.
why did you shut down.
why did you leave.
why did you let me leave.
he says that since i got over him so quickly that i never actually cared.
what was i suppose to do?
the things that were said sucked but the things left unsaid hurt the most. we can talk it up and say whatever the hell we want but when it comes down to it, not many people say how they feel. and i dont think words can ever express what it is that we feel.
me? i feel ache.
not like a drag or a bind or a nuisence....
i feel an ache.
a longing. a pain.
i feel that the next moment is uncertain. i can plan and plan and plan but i cant produce. i cant show up. i cant make it through. i fail, i cry, i run.
i feel like thats why i want to talk to my ex. i want to hear that i wasnt what made him run. that it wasnt because he was unhappy, like he said. but that by some magical chance it was a better reason..like maybe one of those.. "its not you its me" type things. i so badly want to hear it wasnt me. all i know now is that i wasnt the one that gave up. and honestly i dont care if you are reading this right now... i didnt give up. it was you not me. i kept my end of the deal, and my end of the deal didnt include you having the time of your life. my end of the deal was being the best i could be. and i was. ive tried to help but 2 years seem to go to waste like wine to you. if you can forget, i can forget.
im sick of wasting my time. im sick of expectations, or lack there of... no one expects anything great to come out of an 18 year old. no one expects a senior to give a shit about anyone. i will not let anyone say that nothing great will come out of me. i was made for much more than that.
but.as.for.now.I.Am.Simply....pissed
i have been trying to be right with him for a long time now. we dated for 2 years and theres alot we need to talk about like...
why did you think it was okay to promise me you wouldnt break my heart.
why did you think it was okay to promise me anything.
why did you shut down.
why did you leave.
why did you let me leave.
he says that since i got over him so quickly that i never actually cared.
what was i suppose to do?
the things that were said sucked but the things left unsaid hurt the most. we can talk it up and say whatever the hell we want but when it comes down to it, not many people say how they feel. and i dont think words can ever express what it is that we feel.
me? i feel ache.
not like a drag or a bind or a nuisence....
i feel an ache.
a longing. a pain.
i feel that the next moment is uncertain. i can plan and plan and plan but i cant produce. i cant show up. i cant make it through. i fail, i cry, i run.
i feel like thats why i want to talk to my ex. i want to hear that i wasnt what made him run. that it wasnt because he was unhappy, like he said. but that by some magical chance it was a better reason..like maybe one of those.. "its not you its me" type things. i so badly want to hear it wasnt me. all i know now is that i wasnt the one that gave up. and honestly i dont care if you are reading this right now... i didnt give up. it was you not me. i kept my end of the deal, and my end of the deal didnt include you having the time of your life. my end of the deal was being the best i could be. and i was. ive tried to help but 2 years seem to go to waste like wine to you. if you can forget, i can forget.
im sick of wasting my time. im sick of expectations, or lack there of... no one expects anything great to come out of an 18 year old. no one expects a senior to give a shit about anyone. i will not let anyone say that nothing great will come out of me. i was made for much more than that.
but.as.for.now.I.Am.Simply....pissed
5.28.2010
these late night liquor runs are wearing on my senses
so far this morning i have driven across the twin cities to bring eddie and gladys to their jobs. I am surprised more and more every day with their compacity to love. forgive. heal.
they heal me. they restore me.
they talk to themselves. and i love it.
Eddie was telling me that he has holes in his tshirt because their termites in his closet, gladys got mad and said that he was lieing and its really from his hip brace. =]
today i find out which organization will be in the finals for our philanthropy project. i am PLEADING with dear Jesus to consider anodyne. that place is heaven on earth.
Heaven.
I have a hard time believing that heaven will be paved with gold and flowing with milk and honey.
1. i am allergic to milk and honey
2. we would all be fat and greedy
i like to think of it as total poverty. like its just this run down place, but we are all content because of the glory of God. Its not that we are living in the "land" of riches, but we are living in the "man" of riches. like He is the gold.
I want to love God out of desperation, not out of lust.
Yes i want to have an easy life and think that God will provide because he wants whats best for me.
Prosperity Gospel At Its Finest.
I want a shit life that i look back on and say, "God is enough" "God is faithful to me" "God never failed me"
i want to love him because of who he is. because he gives and takes. not because loving him will give me a pass through life. so i can feed my lust for materials and have a reason to have the best things in life.
i want to be able to say, through the darkest pain, God is enough.
I do not love you because of what you do for me, but who you are to me. I do not love you because you make my life easy, but because my life is a living hell and you carry me. and you hold my hand. and you walk by me. and you walk near me. and you watch me while i fall. and maybe you dont pick me up... but you don't leave me there alone.
they heal me. they restore me.
they talk to themselves. and i love it.
Eddie was telling me that he has holes in his tshirt because their termites in his closet, gladys got mad and said that he was lieing and its really from his hip brace. =]
today i find out which organization will be in the finals for our philanthropy project. i am PLEADING with dear Jesus to consider anodyne. that place is heaven on earth.
Heaven.
I have a hard time believing that heaven will be paved with gold and flowing with milk and honey.
1. i am allergic to milk and honey
2. we would all be fat and greedy
i like to think of it as total poverty. like its just this run down place, but we are all content because of the glory of God. Its not that we are living in the "land" of riches, but we are living in the "man" of riches. like He is the gold.
I want to love God out of desperation, not out of lust.
Yes i want to have an easy life and think that God will provide because he wants whats best for me.
Prosperity Gospel At Its Finest.
I want a shit life that i look back on and say, "God is enough" "God is faithful to me" "God never failed me"
i want to love him because of who he is. because he gives and takes. not because loving him will give me a pass through life. so i can feed my lust for materials and have a reason to have the best things in life.
i want to be able to say, through the darkest pain, God is enough.
I do not love you because of what you do for me, but who you are to me. I do not love you because you make my life easy, but because my life is a living hell and you carry me. and you hold my hand. and you walk by me. and you walk near me. and you watch me while i fall. and maybe you dont pick me up... but you don't leave me there alone.
5.27.2010
life to my dream
this one goes out to all the failed expectations.
not even failed.
more like weird.
weird expectations.
why did i think it would work out that way?
why when my keys got locked in my car did i think it couldnt get any worse and then i saw all my underwear in the back seat very visible...?
i need to do the dishes.
not even failed.
more like weird.
weird expectations.
why did i think it would work out that way?
why when my keys got locked in my car did i think it couldnt get any worse and then i saw all my underwear in the back seat very visible...?
i need to do the dishes.
5.25.2010
Vessa, i drew the birthday cake on top of your head to match the genocide in your right hand
Wonerful, Beautiful, Glorious,
matchless in every way
Glory, honor, power
belong to you
these words make me tremble,tremble,tremble. i dont know what it is about them. maybe because it says that God is bigger than what i think. Hes bigger than this body, his body, their body. When i dont take my meds and i dont want to worship, he breaks the rocks to have them cry out. I am a rock. i do not move unless you move me. i do not break unless you break me, and i will not be whole again until he smooths out my edges. i seem to think i need all those extra pieces, the ones you broke off... i tend to think they are quite necessary. i tacky glue them on. i hot glue them on. i tape. i sew. i mend. but i am rock. i do not repair. i get smaller and smaller so i can be something. i can be sand. something that can be sifted. something that can be made into something. clay. i am clay. i am washed over, crushed, moldable. i am what you make me, and what you make me is beautiful. you put me through the kiln, and i cry. the heat. the dark. the emptiness. i wish i was a rock again. you take me out and i am hard as rock. i am what i wish. i am stubborn and cold. you paint me. you glaze me. you put me back in but i am hard and i dont cry. i grin. i bear. it. but i hate you. i am far, and i am sick. you take me out. and i realize... i am beautiful. i am exactly what you wanted from the start, and i surprise you. the color is more brilliant. i see that this was your plan all along, but i would never be here if it wasnt for the grinding, the burial, the cool, the heat, the cold, the burn. the hate. If only i had loved you all along.
Haley,
He is from the dump. you pick him up. say, ''hes different from the rest''. but you forget. he is nothing but trash. you change your mind over and over, everyone says he is trash. you dont hear. you listen to your "heart". your empty cold space inside that screams. of course it says you need him. when has it been quiet? so you keep him. you put your most precious things inside him and you forget he is trash. but he turns your gold into silver, your silver into rust, your rust into mold. he ruined you. he was trash all along. it took until now for you to believe it.
matchless in every way
Glory, honor, power
belong to you
these words make me tremble,tremble,tremble. i dont know what it is about them. maybe because it says that God is bigger than what i think. Hes bigger than this body, his body, their body. When i dont take my meds and i dont want to worship, he breaks the rocks to have them cry out. I am a rock. i do not move unless you move me. i do not break unless you break me, and i will not be whole again until he smooths out my edges. i seem to think i need all those extra pieces, the ones you broke off... i tend to think they are quite necessary. i tacky glue them on. i hot glue them on. i tape. i sew. i mend. but i am rock. i do not repair. i get smaller and smaller so i can be something. i can be sand. something that can be sifted. something that can be made into something. clay. i am clay. i am washed over, crushed, moldable. i am what you make me, and what you make me is beautiful. you put me through the kiln, and i cry. the heat. the dark. the emptiness. i wish i was a rock again. you take me out and i am hard as rock. i am what i wish. i am stubborn and cold. you paint me. you glaze me. you put me back in but i am hard and i dont cry. i grin. i bear. it. but i hate you. i am far, and i am sick. you take me out. and i realize... i am beautiful. i am exactly what you wanted from the start, and i surprise you. the color is more brilliant. i see that this was your plan all along, but i would never be here if it wasnt for the grinding, the burial, the cool, the heat, the cold, the burn. the hate. If only i had loved you all along.
Haley,
He is from the dump. you pick him up. say, ''hes different from the rest''. but you forget. he is nothing but trash. you change your mind over and over, everyone says he is trash. you dont hear. you listen to your "heart". your empty cold space inside that screams. of course it says you need him. when has it been quiet? so you keep him. you put your most precious things inside him and you forget he is trash. but he turns your gold into silver, your silver into rust, your rust into mold. he ruined you. he was trash all along. it took until now for you to believe it.
5.23.2010
never take friendships personal
right now i hate you, but in 5 minutes i might feel different.
Where do text messages go when they are erased? i think its the same place that atheists believe we go when we die. a whole eternity with lolz and plxs
thx.luv.u.ttyl.byeeeeee.
why do we capture pictures? its not to last an eternity. that picture will never mean more to anyone than you. so when you die you cannot take that captured memory and hold it with you for eternity. you take the memory as it is and you grasp it with all you can so that it will be gone in the blink of an eye. so what do we do with our time here. take everything as memories, or take everything as opportunities? i dont want to look back on my life and say people treated me like shit. heres to getting rid of the negative influences in my life. (as many as i can without getting emancipated)
Where do text messages go when they are erased? i think its the same place that atheists believe we go when we die. a whole eternity with lolz and plxs
thx.luv.u.ttyl.byeeeeee.
why do we capture pictures? its not to last an eternity. that picture will never mean more to anyone than you. so when you die you cannot take that captured memory and hold it with you for eternity. you take the memory as it is and you grasp it with all you can so that it will be gone in the blink of an eye. so what do we do with our time here. take everything as memories, or take everything as opportunities? i dont want to look back on my life and say people treated me like shit. heres to getting rid of the negative influences in my life. (as many as i can without getting emancipated)
i'm trying to find you in my media
sunday: up at the cabin in wisconsin.
ive been thinking about a lot of things... Such as; is it okay that i wear my skimpy night dress for 2 days in a row out in public... it STILL seems like a good idea. i justified it by wearing "shorts" underneath (shorts, meaning enough fabric to cover over my parts, but not enough to keep their bulges from coming out). i also justified it because i was terribly sick for the past couple days...
sick. sickness.
i have been throwing up again. its hard because if im sick i justify that throwing up is okay. that its okay i throw up because it could have been just my sickness, not nessicarily me purging. I havnt been eating much lately either. i just feel uneasy. i feel stressed. i have sores all over from stress. picking at my skin, biting my lips, cuts and bruises. My body just shuts down when i am in this mode. i get headaches. i get weak knees. i get lost. i like to say that i am strong, but im afraid i get uneasy from the memories.
im just in a dark place right now. Im getting antsy to leave my family. Joh and i have been trying to find a house to buy. a forclosure. my parents expect the world out of me and if i dont sacrifice all of my time for the family, i am a failure. i am worthless.
yes my family loves me. but its an awkward love. a love i dont quite understand. i am the sensitive one so i am the one that gets dumped on. the cabin is messy...its jenessas fault....jenessa says its not her fault....shes being an ass and is an ungreatful bitch. THANKS GUYS!
I AM NOT CRAZY! i do not imagine this is all happening. you guys can be overbearing. i have been working like crazy so i can earn enough to make payments on a house. i have been studying so i can get the hell out of school and have a career. EVEN THEN... i will be responsible for all the little shit you guys have for me to do. You say i am ungreatful, i think that you guys have 5 properties and you plan rediculous vacations that require tremendous attention. Yeah thank you so much for the extravegant lifestyle, but i can go without. you guys stress yourself over the most outlandish things. sell the 3 cabins... forget about european vacations... stop planning parties at the house...stop. just stop. I will live, i will be more than happy, because i will have your undivided attention and we might actually understand something about eachother. I cannot have children. i cant do it.
1. i might not be able to get pregnant because of my size/lack of body care
2. if i get pregnant i will get fat...i will hate myself...i will starve myself..the baby will die
3. if i get morning sickness i will then have an excuse to be throwing up..."its JUST morning sickness..."
4. i dont want to have kids that have the same problems as me
5. if they turn out all bad and whatever, i will take it personally and blame myself
6. i dont want to treat them the way i grew up
i am just fed up. i cant get things straight right now. i have been so disapointed lately.
you said you would be there and you werent. you said. do you want me to take you for your word? do you want me to trust you? than that is in your court. i cannot make you a trustworthly person. I CANNNNNOT. so if there is a doubt in your mind, tell me no, tell me you wont be there, tell me you wont try, tell me you dont want this. i will get mad, i will be hurt, but i would much rather be hurt than crushed. and you will crush me when you say it will happen and i get all excited and you dont do what you said.
im on the edge of tears
i havnt taken my meds, so i can feel.
i have yet to place trust into someone. and a big part of me hopes no one has put trust in me. i cannot be who i want to be.
i m a wreck, im a mess.
i am crushed, and weak.
my parents refuse to accept that i have bipolar. so to them i am just a hotheaded bitch. to my sister, i am a fake.
i stand up for myself and you shoot me down. thank you. because you have made me distant. you have pushed me far. theres not a recovery for that. theres not a way back from here. but when you cry i will come home and when you go i will cry.
i need rest. i need sanity. i need to quit my job. my boss can bitch, but it will never cut me like your bitching. never.
i need to find a way to live like i havnt been.
and with this i give you one tear and nothing else.
ive been thinking about a lot of things... Such as; is it okay that i wear my skimpy night dress for 2 days in a row out in public... it STILL seems like a good idea. i justified it by wearing "shorts" underneath (shorts, meaning enough fabric to cover over my parts, but not enough to keep their bulges from coming out). i also justified it because i was terribly sick for the past couple days...
sick. sickness.
i have been throwing up again. its hard because if im sick i justify that throwing up is okay. that its okay i throw up because it could have been just my sickness, not nessicarily me purging. I havnt been eating much lately either. i just feel uneasy. i feel stressed. i have sores all over from stress. picking at my skin, biting my lips, cuts and bruises. My body just shuts down when i am in this mode. i get headaches. i get weak knees. i get lost. i like to say that i am strong, but im afraid i get uneasy from the memories.
im just in a dark place right now. Im getting antsy to leave my family. Joh and i have been trying to find a house to buy. a forclosure. my parents expect the world out of me and if i dont sacrifice all of my time for the family, i am a failure. i am worthless.
yes my family loves me. but its an awkward love. a love i dont quite understand. i am the sensitive one so i am the one that gets dumped on. the cabin is messy...its jenessas fault....jenessa says its not her fault....shes being an ass and is an ungreatful bitch. THANKS GUYS!
I AM NOT CRAZY! i do not imagine this is all happening. you guys can be overbearing. i have been working like crazy so i can earn enough to make payments on a house. i have been studying so i can get the hell out of school and have a career. EVEN THEN... i will be responsible for all the little shit you guys have for me to do. You say i am ungreatful, i think that you guys have 5 properties and you plan rediculous vacations that require tremendous attention. Yeah thank you so much for the extravegant lifestyle, but i can go without. you guys stress yourself over the most outlandish things. sell the 3 cabins... forget about european vacations... stop planning parties at the house...stop. just stop. I will live, i will be more than happy, because i will have your undivided attention and we might actually understand something about eachother. I cannot have children. i cant do it.
1. i might not be able to get pregnant because of my size/lack of body care
2. if i get pregnant i will get fat...i will hate myself...i will starve myself..the baby will die
3. if i get morning sickness i will then have an excuse to be throwing up..."its JUST morning sickness..."
4. i dont want to have kids that have the same problems as me
5. if they turn out all bad and whatever, i will take it personally and blame myself
6. i dont want to treat them the way i grew up
i am just fed up. i cant get things straight right now. i have been so disapointed lately.
you said you would be there and you werent. you said. do you want me to take you for your word? do you want me to trust you? than that is in your court. i cannot make you a trustworthly person. I CANNNNNOT. so if there is a doubt in your mind, tell me no, tell me you wont be there, tell me you wont try, tell me you dont want this. i will get mad, i will be hurt, but i would much rather be hurt than crushed. and you will crush me when you say it will happen and i get all excited and you dont do what you said.
im on the edge of tears
i havnt taken my meds, so i can feel.
i have yet to place trust into someone. and a big part of me hopes no one has put trust in me. i cannot be who i want to be.
i m a wreck, im a mess.
i am crushed, and weak.
my parents refuse to accept that i have bipolar. so to them i am just a hotheaded bitch. to my sister, i am a fake.
i stand up for myself and you shoot me down. thank you. because you have made me distant. you have pushed me far. theres not a recovery for that. theres not a way back from here. but when you cry i will come home and when you go i will cry.
i need rest. i need sanity. i need to quit my job. my boss can bitch, but it will never cut me like your bitching. never.
i need to find a way to live like i havnt been.
and with this i give you one tear and nothing else.
5.19.2010
He found my wallet!
today i met my clients for PCA. Eddie and Gladys. They are so sweet and innocent. I was also told to not be fooled by them. they have a terrible temper. I went swimming with them today and when i went to the pool an older woman looked at me and came close and said, you have the perfect body. (THE perfect body. like THEEEEEEE perfect one. ) and she said that i am such a gorgeous girl. And she asked if i had a boyfriend and i said no and she was like shocked out of her mind. she said, i cannot believe it, you should be married by now.
i was shocked. She saw me as the apitomy of beauty.
I have an art project that basically says beauty is in the I of the beholder. I am the one that chooses what is beautiful. What beauty is. I choose that. What is more beautiful, the woman with the mesectamy who is proudly showing off her body in the locker room, or the skinny teenager who is changing in the stall because she cant bare to see herself naked. or the woman that has 7 rolls in her back that is having the time of her life, or the woman that wont even put a swimsuit on.
Our perceptions are so skewed. When will I be good enough for ME? when will i be able to be proud of my body and actually live?
and another thing. how would you feel if you gave all your money up to the poor and find out they wasted all of it. like the owner had this huge gambling problem and ended up making the whole company bankrupt? how would you feel?
im still kinda pondering this.
i was shocked. She saw me as the apitomy of beauty.
I have an art project that basically says beauty is in the I of the beholder. I am the one that chooses what is beautiful. What beauty is. I choose that. What is more beautiful, the woman with the mesectamy who is proudly showing off her body in the locker room, or the skinny teenager who is changing in the stall because she cant bare to see herself naked. or the woman that has 7 rolls in her back that is having the time of her life, or the woman that wont even put a swimsuit on.
Our perceptions are so skewed. When will I be good enough for ME? when will i be able to be proud of my body and actually live?
and another thing. how would you feel if you gave all your money up to the poor and find out they wasted all of it. like the owner had this huge gambling problem and ended up making the whole company bankrupt? how would you feel?
im still kinda pondering this.
5.18.2010
1234 tell me that you love me more, sleepless long nights, that is what my youth was for...
favorite movies
1. Mozart and the Whale
2. life is beautiful
3. cinderella man
favorite genres
1. Indie/folk
2. Singer songwritter/acoustic
3. techhhnononono
favorite animals
1.kitty
2.pigs (tea cup)
3. manateeeees =]
favorite hobbies
1.music
2.art
3.dance
favorite articles of clothing
1. sweaters.
2.heals.
favorite food
1. frozen peas
2.grapes/popsicles
3.stirfry
favorite color
1.purple
2.olive green
3. brown
ill keep updating this....
1. Mozart and the Whale
2. life is beautiful
3. cinderella man
favorite genres
1. Indie/folk
2. Singer songwritter/acoustic
3. techhhnononono
favorite animals
1.kitty
2.pigs (tea cup)
3. manateeeees =]
favorite hobbies
1.music
2.art
3.dance
favorite articles of clothing
1. sweaters.
2.heals.
favorite food
1. frozen peas
2.grapes/popsicles
3.stirfry
favorite color
1.purple
2.olive green
3. brown
ill keep updating this....
3rd degree burns, 34 degree curvature
i asked my brother what secrets i had. he said..you dont know how forgiving you are. people treat you terrible and they appologize and you forgive them on the spot. I get so angry because i wish you would take these people out of your life, but you just keep loving them.
after he finished i told him that wasnt what i ment...but i would take it anyways.
i think he might be true. i never thought of it as forgiving, but as passive. i seem to put a negative name on a lot of things i am. im going to start owning it.
that reminds me, since when do we feel we are entitled to things? one of my friends and i were talking about this today. since her significant other pays for everything, it is somehow understood that she owes him. She can repay this back in a number of ways. how do i feel about this? bull. we dont owe anything to eachother. we are not generous unless we give. we cannot give unless we expect nothing in return. we cant expect nothing unless we are humble. Lord make me humble so i can give the world to someone.
i called into work sick today. i think its because i havnt been taking my meds. i decided that i've been a big debbie downer lately. My energy has been drained. without energy....we are nearly useless. If i had 1 week. ugh. thats my excuse. what if i had one night? would that change anything? if i had one night, would that be enough to hit the reset button and enable me to do all i want in this world.
I have so many expectations and agendas and plans. my room is a mess...my life is a mess. i need organization. i need to figure out what my goals are so i can figure out what i want to achieve so i can figure out what i need to do with my time.
facebook is not helping me get anywhere. so facebook has to stop.
tv is getting my nowhere. so tv has to stop.
i need my music. i need my art. i need my dance.
to pay for these i need my jobs.
to make it through my jobs i need my family and friends.
to be the best for my family and friends, i need my God.
to have my God, i need to look for him. and i need to find him.
You will seek me and you will find me, when you seek me with your whole heart.
so from now onnnnn... i need to take everything for what its worth, and i need to take every chance i get.
i did get an opportunity to be in a pagent...but im not taking that HAHAHAH. =]
ohhh and by the way....im going to get back surgery.
after he finished i told him that wasnt what i ment...but i would take it anyways.
i think he might be true. i never thought of it as forgiving, but as passive. i seem to put a negative name on a lot of things i am. im going to start owning it.
that reminds me, since when do we feel we are entitled to things? one of my friends and i were talking about this today. since her significant other pays for everything, it is somehow understood that she owes him. She can repay this back in a number of ways. how do i feel about this? bull. we dont owe anything to eachother. we are not generous unless we give. we cannot give unless we expect nothing in return. we cant expect nothing unless we are humble. Lord make me humble so i can give the world to someone.
i called into work sick today. i think its because i havnt been taking my meds. i decided that i've been a big debbie downer lately. My energy has been drained. without energy....we are nearly useless. If i had 1 week. ugh. thats my excuse. what if i had one night? would that change anything? if i had one night, would that be enough to hit the reset button and enable me to do all i want in this world.
I have so many expectations and agendas and plans. my room is a mess...my life is a mess. i need organization. i need to figure out what my goals are so i can figure out what i want to achieve so i can figure out what i need to do with my time.
facebook is not helping me get anywhere. so facebook has to stop.
tv is getting my nowhere. so tv has to stop.
i need my music. i need my art. i need my dance.
to pay for these i need my jobs.
to make it through my jobs i need my family and friends.
to be the best for my family and friends, i need my God.
to have my God, i need to look for him. and i need to find him.
You will seek me and you will find me, when you seek me with your whole heart.
so from now onnnnn... i need to take everything for what its worth, and i need to take every chance i get.
i did get an opportunity to be in a pagent...but im not taking that HAHAHAH. =]
ohhh and by the way....im going to get back surgery.
5.16.2010
rumours bring us together.
as soon as i dont give a fuck. lots of people start giving fucks.
waiting has started to seem so strange to me lately. i feel that it is only considered waiting, if what you are waiting on knows. like am i truly waiting if the other people doesnt know. Like say i am at a resturant waiting for my friends to get there, but for some reason they do not know i am there. i am not waiting for them, its more like wishful thinking.
so really, it all comes down to perception. If you think i will wait all summer for you, but i dont know that...you are a wishful thinker my friend.
heres to wishful thinking.
instead of being let down all the time, i think ill just call myself a wishful thinker? i just think the best of people??? i take people for their word??? noooooo it cant be.
or is it waiting if you think we are going to go to this nice dinner and i'll fall in love with you over small talk and awkward pauses? is it waiting as you count the days until you see me, or is it all a waste...
but just like i let people waste their precious thoughts/hopes/dreams on me, you do that to me all the time.
we all just seem to love to hurt eachother.
and why does it seem that we need to be inspired to do something great, when doing something great is more than rewarding?
my thoughts are all over tonight.
"comelordjesusbeourguestandletthesegiftstousbeblessed... and please dont let me get fat!"
waiting has started to seem so strange to me lately. i feel that it is only considered waiting, if what you are waiting on knows. like am i truly waiting if the other people doesnt know. Like say i am at a resturant waiting for my friends to get there, but for some reason they do not know i am there. i am not waiting for them, its more like wishful thinking.
so really, it all comes down to perception. If you think i will wait all summer for you, but i dont know that...you are a wishful thinker my friend.
heres to wishful thinking.
instead of being let down all the time, i think ill just call myself a wishful thinker? i just think the best of people??? i take people for their word??? noooooo it cant be.
or is it waiting if you think we are going to go to this nice dinner and i'll fall in love with you over small talk and awkward pauses? is it waiting as you count the days until you see me, or is it all a waste...
but just like i let people waste their precious thoughts/hopes/dreams on me, you do that to me all the time.
we all just seem to love to hurt eachother.
and why does it seem that we need to be inspired to do something great, when doing something great is more than rewarding?
my thoughts are all over tonight.
"comelordjesusbeourguestandletthesegiftstousbeblessed... and please dont let me get fat!"
i might be making a mistake.
i just realized that if money didnt matter, i would want to do music and dance the rest of my life. that being said... i am going to the u of m for occupational therapy. i need to get into a music therapy and dance double major. poopie. maybe i dont have my life all figured out.
chillllllli peppppa.
i will be the most intimate person. the red light district has sex all over, but no intimacy, no sexuality. Its not about the sex, its about the connection. so heres to today, and heres to all the 'sex' thats gunna happen today.
bahahahah. lets get sexy.
bahahahah. lets get sexy.
Any second could be THAT second.
why is he single then... if hes so great?
my scoliosis is getting worse. i keep thinking about surgery. we havnt been able to find a surgeon that will perform the surgery. the last time i got an xray i was at 34 degrees on top and 16 degrees on bottom. if i had the surgery it would be next spring.
i want to dance.
my weight has been dropping. 5lbs in the past couple days. which makes me nervous. but it could be because of work. anyways, im just going to eat when im hungry and ill be fine right? i hate this. i feel terrible when i gain weight and i feel guilty when i lose weight.
feeeeeeeelings. feelings. felins.
work has been stressfull. yesturday was the end of my second week at red robin. for some reason i feel it is necessary for me to go above and beyond the 'job descrption'.
i
am
worn
out.
theres been all this drama at my school and its so pathetic. thats all i have to say. it was barely even worth mentioning...
ive been thinking about things and i feel that i go on autopilot alot. i have not been able to make an emotional connection for a while now. my ex boyfriend and i broke up and yeah i was crushed because we dated for 2 years and we were way serious. but i couldnt make the emotional connection that women are supose to be able to make! this is with everything. i cannot even remember the last time i was crushed about something or when i was just longing for someone. my biggest fear right now is that kendra will leave for umd and i wont feel anything. this girl is my best friend and what if im unable to make this connection because of these fricken head injuries? i cant live my life like that. totally absent minded. letting people in and out like water. i cry when i have a depressed day and i laugh when i am manic. I NEED CONNECTION.
as far as im concerned. i do not have bipolar. and i will/do have connections right now. this is not a lie. it is a promise to myself.
kendra and allison are so close to me and i love them to death. i do not want them to leave next year! we will always stay close tho. i know this.
im getting tired so i will take a nap before i have to go to work.
my scoliosis is getting worse. i keep thinking about surgery. we havnt been able to find a surgeon that will perform the surgery. the last time i got an xray i was at 34 degrees on top and 16 degrees on bottom. if i had the surgery it would be next spring.
i want to dance.
my weight has been dropping. 5lbs in the past couple days. which makes me nervous. but it could be because of work. anyways, im just going to eat when im hungry and ill be fine right? i hate this. i feel terrible when i gain weight and i feel guilty when i lose weight.
feeeeeeeelings. feelings. felins.
work has been stressfull. yesturday was the end of my second week at red robin. for some reason i feel it is necessary for me to go above and beyond the 'job descrption'.
i
am
worn
out.
theres been all this drama at my school and its so pathetic. thats all i have to say. it was barely even worth mentioning...
ive been thinking about things and i feel that i go on autopilot alot. i have not been able to make an emotional connection for a while now. my ex boyfriend and i broke up and yeah i was crushed because we dated for 2 years and we were way serious. but i couldnt make the emotional connection that women are supose to be able to make! this is with everything. i cannot even remember the last time i was crushed about something or when i was just longing for someone. my biggest fear right now is that kendra will leave for umd and i wont feel anything. this girl is my best friend and what if im unable to make this connection because of these fricken head injuries? i cant live my life like that. totally absent minded. letting people in and out like water. i cry when i have a depressed day and i laugh when i am manic. I NEED CONNECTION.
as far as im concerned. i do not have bipolar. and i will/do have connections right now. this is not a lie. it is a promise to myself.
kendra and allison are so close to me and i love them to death. i do not want them to leave next year! we will always stay close tho. i know this.
im getting tired so i will take a nap before i have to go to work.
5.14.2010
Days Went By. We Waited. I Guess We're Getting Older.
i might have been a little hasty, but then again, when am i not.
i might have been a little aggressive, but then again, its a blog.
[*dripping with sarcasm]..............and anything* you write* on the Internet* needs* to be over dramatic* so people will read it.*
(insert shout out to kendra and bittner here)
i am currently sitting naked in my kitchen with a towel drying my hair.
after showers it is very hard for me to have motivation to put clothes on.
this might be a little too much information, but i also learned this past week that its inappropriate for me to tell a man i cannot see him because i have diarrhea, to go to the bathroom with the stall door wide open, and to laugh when the oppinionated girl in class talks.
i went dress shopping last night and i spent all the money on a sweatshirt...ooooooops.
i get paid next week. i will buy dresses then. and i will stay warm for another week. =]
i decided its not right for me to judge how i look based on how i feel that day. so i reckoned that i would either say i am not beautiful when i am sad and happy, or i will say i am beautiful when i am happy and sad. so im going to have to figure out what one it will be. but as for today, i will not be wearing a swimsuit on july 10th for my grad party. luau or not.
...but it will be a luau...
i am enjoying my jobs. red robin and PCA.
todays plan:
wear some baggy jeans and i sweater that covers me up like a morman.
go to the beach with alll the peoples.
option A- bittners house for a sleepover
option B- aarons house for a sleepover
i cant make up my mind quite yet on that one.
but i guess it all depends on if i want to drink tonight or not *******.
in the morning i will go to choir practice, katies grad party, work.
i am going to get unnaked.
i might have been a little aggressive, but then again, its a blog.
[*dripping with sarcasm]..............and anything* you write* on the Internet* needs* to be over dramatic* so people will read it.*
(insert shout out to kendra and bittner here)
i am currently sitting naked in my kitchen with a towel drying my hair.
after showers it is very hard for me to have motivation to put clothes on.
this might be a little too much information, but i also learned this past week that its inappropriate for me to tell a man i cannot see him because i have diarrhea, to go to the bathroom with the stall door wide open, and to laugh when the oppinionated girl in class talks.
i went dress shopping last night and i spent all the money on a sweatshirt...ooooooops.
i get paid next week. i will buy dresses then. and i will stay warm for another week. =]
i decided its not right for me to judge how i look based on how i feel that day. so i reckoned that i would either say i am not beautiful when i am sad and happy, or i will say i am beautiful when i am happy and sad. so im going to have to figure out what one it will be. but as for today, i will not be wearing a swimsuit on july 10th for my grad party. luau or not.
...but it will be a luau...
i am enjoying my jobs. red robin and PCA.
todays plan:
wear some baggy jeans and i sweater that covers me up like a morman.
go to the beach with alll the peoples.
option A- bittners house for a sleepover
option B- aarons house for a sleepover
i cant make up my mind quite yet on that one.
but i guess it all depends on if i want to drink tonight or not *******.
in the morning i will go to choir practice, katies grad party, work.
i am going to get unnaked.
5.13.2010
Thanks for Reminding Me Not to Eat Paint Chips.
Being obsessed with my weight is a distraction for what im suppose to do with my life.
5.09.2010
Its been forever.
hi. friends. curiousity seekers. exboyfriends.
its been a while hasnt it.
i am sitting in my living room watching cake boss.
the italian in me is just lovin it.
Update: prom happened. it was great. i have a weird bromance for my date. he is a sweetheart. we are getting married but he doesnt know that yet.
i am now at 135 lbs and am wanting so badly to loose weight. 125 is the lowest my doctor would let me go for sports. so im hoping that i can go down 120 without being in sports. i shouldnt risk it. 10lbs. 1-2lbs a week. 5-10 weeks. cardio= jogging,biking,dance. weight lifting= shoulders, arms, obliques. cardio=monday,wed,fri. lifting=tues,thurs. this will be good. i have to eat 1,200 cal a day. theres no risking that. i cannot go lower because thats how it starts.
that being said. i am 135lbs and i dont hate myself. i dont nessicarrily like it, but im able to go outside and see people!
i went through my pictures for my grad party and i found all these ones from last summer when i was so sick. i was small. i never knew i was that small. i cried when i saw them. so much pain in my eyes. i knew at that time i hated myself. and i see it now and i cry cause i was so beautiful.
i need sanity in my life. I ate lunch with an ex- pediphile. (spelling???) but you know what i mean...he impregnated his litttle daughter. that kinda thing. Me being sexually abused when i was little, i didnt think i would be able to look this guy in the face. but lunch changed so much. everyone is hurting so bad. everyone. he was... kind in a sad sort of way.
bipolar has got the best of me today. im not able to really put things into words.
my friends have had a fun time setting me up with different guys.
yesturday i was set up with this guy, and he apparently didnt know that we were going on a blind date, he explained to me that he was still in love with his ex girlfriend and that he was glad he could talk to me about it. IT WAS AT THIS MOMENT I REALIZED WE WERE NOT GOING ON A DATE! hahahahahah its funny but i should have known
i think im getting sick of all these blind dates.
just in case you didnt realize, if you are in my life, i will talk about you in my blog, i will not say your name but i will talk about you!
that being said. i went on my first blind date a while ago back in january. It was great. everything was going great and then he sstood me up. 6 times. i was fed up, i told him he was an asshole. and that was the end of it. you shit on me, i leave. the end.
but then the asshole came back. wrote me an email saying that he was sorry and he wants me back and i said okay well im not crawling back to you. you want this to work, you make it work.
that was two weeks ago. nothing. i think he was drunk when he wrote this to me. im just sick of it. i have gotten walked over so much and this is the end of it all.
My name is Jen.
I have a beautiful smile, i am the most honest person you will meet. i am emotional and real. I love my God with all i have, i am so good with children. and hey, i have a good sense of humour. you dont like me, its not my fault. I try. not one guy has been able to tell me why he has broken up with me. I am not being concieted, i am being honest about this.
1. you wouldnt have sex with me
2. you wouldnt drink with me
3. i wasnt having fun anymore/i fell out of love with you
yeah none of these things seem like my problem! hahah. one day i will find some guy that will put up with me and my bipolar and love every minute of it! and i am no longer going to say that this stupid bipolar is what is keeping me from people.
im done venting. sorry if i hurt your feelings. but it was never me, always you.
its been a while hasnt it.
i am sitting in my living room watching cake boss.
the italian in me is just lovin it.
Update: prom happened. it was great. i have a weird bromance for my date. he is a sweetheart. we are getting married but he doesnt know that yet.
i am now at 135 lbs and am wanting so badly to loose weight. 125 is the lowest my doctor would let me go for sports. so im hoping that i can go down 120 without being in sports. i shouldnt risk it. 10lbs. 1-2lbs a week. 5-10 weeks. cardio= jogging,biking,dance. weight lifting= shoulders, arms, obliques. cardio=monday,wed,fri. lifting=tues,thurs. this will be good. i have to eat 1,200 cal a day. theres no risking that. i cannot go lower because thats how it starts.
that being said. i am 135lbs and i dont hate myself. i dont nessicarrily like it, but im able to go outside and see people!
i went through my pictures for my grad party and i found all these ones from last summer when i was so sick. i was small. i never knew i was that small. i cried when i saw them. so much pain in my eyes. i knew at that time i hated myself. and i see it now and i cry cause i was so beautiful.
i need sanity in my life. I ate lunch with an ex- pediphile. (spelling???) but you know what i mean...he impregnated his litttle daughter. that kinda thing. Me being sexually abused when i was little, i didnt think i would be able to look this guy in the face. but lunch changed so much. everyone is hurting so bad. everyone. he was... kind in a sad sort of way.
bipolar has got the best of me today. im not able to really put things into words.
my friends have had a fun time setting me up with different guys.
yesturday i was set up with this guy, and he apparently didnt know that we were going on a blind date, he explained to me that he was still in love with his ex girlfriend and that he was glad he could talk to me about it. IT WAS AT THIS MOMENT I REALIZED WE WERE NOT GOING ON A DATE! hahahahahah its funny but i should have known
i think im getting sick of all these blind dates.
just in case you didnt realize, if you are in my life, i will talk about you in my blog, i will not say your name but i will talk about you!
that being said. i went on my first blind date a while ago back in january. It was great. everything was going great and then he sstood me up. 6 times. i was fed up, i told him he was an asshole. and that was the end of it. you shit on me, i leave. the end.
but then the asshole came back. wrote me an email saying that he was sorry and he wants me back and i said okay well im not crawling back to you. you want this to work, you make it work.
that was two weeks ago. nothing. i think he was drunk when he wrote this to me. im just sick of it. i have gotten walked over so much and this is the end of it all.
My name is Jen.
I have a beautiful smile, i am the most honest person you will meet. i am emotional and real. I love my God with all i have, i am so good with children. and hey, i have a good sense of humour. you dont like me, its not my fault. I try. not one guy has been able to tell me why he has broken up with me. I am not being concieted, i am being honest about this.
1. you wouldnt have sex with me
2. you wouldnt drink with me
3. i wasnt having fun anymore/i fell out of love with you
yeah none of these things seem like my problem! hahah. one day i will find some guy that will put up with me and my bipolar and love every minute of it! and i am no longer going to say that this stupid bipolar is what is keeping me from people.
im done venting. sorry if i hurt your feelings. but it was never me, always you.