have fun being a bitch.

I am confused again. i seem to sit in this spot almost every chance i get. and the usual solution is "i'll sleep on it".
Well i've been sleeping for the past couple days and i have no solution.

I always thought that in life we have choices and doors open, but i never realised how many doors could open at once. But theres a door that seems promising. and i think that door is the one where i wait and i dont make any choices for a while. Maybe its not so much a door, but a hallway. And here ill rest, maybe pace, until im ready to pick a door. Some will maybe seem too far gone and others might become closer than i thought they ever could.

choices are a funny animal. they creep up when you are so busy and full of wonder and excitement and they twist things around and manipulate them. I feel like theres so many false advertising all over them. maybe i have to think of them less as a door and more like a road system. because doors you go in and you almost get the sense in this imagery that you fall into some abyss and are floating mid cloud while wading knee deep in glitter or swamp water. but none of my choices land me with either of those so we are going to go with a road system.

In the city, we have streets and avenues. streets usually run east/west and avenues north/south. I have 'x' number of streets in front of me and I could always turn around but each street has something different, but if i turn onto one, theres a chance i will get so caught up in what that street has to offer, that i will forget about the rest, or that i will wait too long and the street adjacent will have reached a dead end and i wont be able to turn around on this one way.

enough with analogies similes and metaphors

i cannot make the decisions. I cant do it right now. so my default answer is no.
No to this new job
No to anything extra
No to you, you, her, you, him, it

if im not 100% than its just no.

just stop trying to convince me that your road is the better one. I can figure it out.

i couldnt even figure out if i wanted to cancel my gym membership so no i just let it drain the money out of my account.

a list. for my own sake.

Jobs.
PCA Monday and Wednesday 3-9 Tuesday 12-1 and organising Eddies artwork sales
UPA Random weekends and weekdays

D&A Agency- audition on Saturday
SHAPE Inc - Meeting on Tuesday night ...5-10 hours a week

Summer Teaching - 7 weeks for a couple hours a day

(PCA- $10+ hr
UPA- $15-$30 hr
D&A- I have no clue
Shape Inc- $30+ hr
Summer teacher- $15 hr)

School.
Dance- audition in sept ... I need to go to Zenon studios until then
Business- Entrepreneurship management minor
Graduate School - Business administration

totally do-able.


Family.
My uncle just died.

Schedule
Normally...
Monday- Class 8-2, Work 3-9
Tuesday - Work 12-1, Dance 5:30-8:30
Wednesday - Class 8-2, Work 3-9
Thusday - Nothing
Friday- Nothing
Saturday - Nothing
Sunday - Nothing

In all the "nothing"s i fill with dance, work, homework, family, friends, and the occasional sleep.

This week

Monday- Its over already..
Tuesday - Work 8-9, Work 12-1, Work 4-5, Dance 5:30-7, Work 8-9 (such a weird day...)
Wednesday - Class 8-2, Work 3-9
Thursday - Work 8-9, Class project 7-9ish
Friday- Brookes birthday party at the casino. Im available but unsure if i am going.
Saturday- Audition at the agency at 1:00, Work in the evening
Sunday- NOTHING. HOMEWORK!


Overall plans
Finish this semester
Work for SHAPE
Do summer courses
Quit PCA
Work as a Teacher in the summer
Visit Benjamin in florida (for sanity)
Enter into fall semester under my new major/minor
Work for UPA (finish judging certification)
Work for CA for Peer Support
Visit Kurt in Australia for Christmas and New Years
Come home and finish degree.

Improv Dance to Dreamworld by Robin Thicke

Working on a dance for an audition. this would be like a rough draft.

so this is what its like to have 18% body fat... good to know.

my heart is beating but i have no pulse.

I have been throwing. No. Hurling myself into my work.

If i starting thinking.. theres numerous things i could do.
1) work out at lifetime fitness
2) choreograph a dance
3) party
4) work
5) going on dates
6) shopping
7) eating ice cream (which i resort to quite a bit)
8) pray/ cry to God because thats what we seem to do when we are upset right?


I HAVE LOST MYSELF.

but maybe thats how ill find myself.
maybe.

I had a conversation with my personal trainer and we talked about being boy crazy.
i feel like there are so many women out there that have the potiential to actually do something and instead they insert their thumbs up their asses and obsess about men.

beyond this...
I have the oportunity to be with someone that would really be there for me. I know how my life would go. I know I would be safe and comfortable and loved. I would be far away. I could start over. but what if i stayed. and what if i waited. and what if i saw what else was out there? I would miss out on this opportunity and never have it again.
but i feel like my reluctance to take this chance might mean something. I know that right now is not my time to be in a relationship. its my time to laugh and cry and grow and become a better person and to develop myself. and its not a selfish thing.
Im taking care of myself so that i can be a better person for the rest of this world. i dont think thats too selfish.

all these boy issues keep me from holding my breath.
i realized that need i have to be rocked to sleep isnt a need but an addiction. an obession that keeps me up at night. I wander the house because im looking for something.
saying "rock me, rock me, rock me, please for the love of God rock me."
and i am losing sleep over this.
but i dont want just you to rock me. i want anything to rock me.
thats not love and thats not commitment and thats not a relationship. its an obsession. its a fixation.
i dont love you, i love a feeling.

and feelings arent love.

so here i am. its 11:30 pm
and im going to curl my hair in the morning

im going to live this life and this dull existance is going to be made heroic. because i will not get where i want to be with my thumb up my ass. this is when it matters. when things get hard... what do you do? where do you go? because this is when it matters.

Im better than that.