My face gets dry after a shower.

When I lose myself, I lose all of you. So dont take more of me than you need of me because being selfish will only make me change. Let me go and I will become the person you love.. hold me too tight and Ill become a monster. Everything is perfect in moderation. So if you love me you will let me go. You will let me make mistakes and you will pick me up everytime. dust me off. over. and over. and over. again. until I have learned. and its going to take me forever. so dont give up. and I will try to do the same for you. because when you disapoint me and I cry and yell, a little piece of us dies. but when you disapoint me and all I can seem to do is tell you its okay and that you didnt know better. a little piece of us becomes stronger. Selfishness destroys boundries... you can only be selfish with things that belong to you, and honey, no one ever belongs to you. We stay with people because we love them, never because we belong to them. we belong to ourselves. and once someone tells you that you belong together, you are meant to run. and run like hell.
Im going into this relationship fully intent on gaining more of myself. but thats not always as easy as it seems. people become crazy so easily. We are always looking for that one thing we cant have. Like in Eden. Adam and Eve could have anything they wanted except for ONE thing. like ONE DAMN THING! and what do they do? obsess over the one thing they couldnt have when they were given a heaven. I have been given this chance to find my heaven and what do I do? obsess over all the things i cant be or have or do or want or see or touch or hold. I obsess and i forget that I was given heaven. it was given to me and all i had to do was not be crazy!
I still dont know how i feel about you. I still dont know that you care.
the hardest thing is that i set myself up for failure so hard. I say I dont want kids, no marriage, no commitments, I hang around in bars because I just want to feel something for once in my life that isnt being told to me or repeated until it feels like the truth. I want to feel things for real. and make my own judgements and my own labels and at the end of the day i want to know that im not alone. and that people are out there believing in my and letting me make thousands of mistakes in hope that I might just learn something. So hold me but dont squeeze me. Let me know you care but dont tell me you love me. keep me wanting more but dont let me forget who I am. because you fell in love with me for who I am... not because I was in love with you. people forget that the reason they are in love is because they saw something other than themselves in this person.. so when the person starts becoming who you are... its pointless. Dont lose yourself. and I promise you I wont get lost either.

2 tears in the bucket... motherfuck it

...and as I put my high heels on their top shelf, I realise that it wasn't you I loved. It was the city.

The Violations Bureau has contacted me more times than you have even said 'Iloveyou'

The worst part about it has to be how much I feel.
I feel probably about 99 things in one day.
They used to diagnose that as bipolar, but I guess they realized the real diagnosis is half blindness and half god.
to be a blind god.. to have so much power but no way to see… all you can do is feel.
“Am I doing it right? Am I doing it right? I cant feel fire yet…but maybe that’s because ive been on fire for so long. Can I feel a breaze yet?” No.
Its been hell over here.
It is hell.
And the winds aren’t going to pick up anytime soon.
I love you because we will never be in love.
I hate you because you are bringing me far into this oblivion that I was leading myself blindly.
I guess its more comforting when you get somewhere blindly than by somebody leading you. Because at the end of the day you could blame it on your blindness instead of your faith.
But I hate you. I really do. Ive been banging my head against this wall too long while all you do is bang me.
Im losing my hair again. Im losing shape and weight and body. Its slipping through my fingers. Im losing myself. Literally.
One of my old friends use to tell me that during my ‘chubby’ phase… in which I weighed about 125 lbs…. that there was ‘more of me to love’
Regardless of the definition of ‘chubby’ there is quite literally less of me to love today.
Im losing myself and im losing my mind.

Maybe I just want something to cry about. I want something to be sorry about.
I want to make sure that life goes this certain way.
I was loved so badly
And I traded it in to be beaten.
And that pain gave me a sick puzzle piece that, if jammed and cut and glued the right way, could fit in the same place ‘love’ use to take.

And there are people offering to remove that piece and give me the right one… but I don’t like the way it fits so perfectly. So snug and comfortable.

i measured everything in 'my last'
my last hour at work, my last minute,
my last piece of gum, my last ounce of patience,
my last mile home, my last track on my grandfathers cassette,
my last emergency contact, my last pill
my last night feeling like this.

and it wont be. pain seems to have its way of coming full circle.

i feel that it doesnt matter whether im happy or sad or i should be happy or sad with you.. because i dont love you... and i will never love you the way i should. so im leaving... because i love to leave. and i dont think thats a bad thing... because one day i will find a man that will leave with me. at the same time. and we will go to find ourselves and we will only find eachother. and we will push and push and cry and push and at the end of the day when no one is watching... we will smile. because we know we have fallen in love.